PDA

View Full Version : Writing Work Shop: Week 4?


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Pages : [1] 2 3

enazwo
May 11th, 2002, 11:26 AM
Just wandering when week 4 will get under way. My turn is approaching and I hope that interest has not fallen off.
I believe estranghero is next.

Nathan Carter
May 11th, 2002, 12:13 PM
Alas... the funk has faded... what shall we do? What shall we do??

Alucard
May 11th, 2002, 02:17 PM
Well, whoever is up next should send everyone the stuff, and then we can post critiques here. By all means, everyone should get their turn, especially if they have been critiquing for others. So, next in line . . . start e-mailin'.

Aidan Aasarin
May 11th, 2002, 08:17 PM
Alas, Funk, who I speak with regularly offline, is in Mexico, in a little place where access to the electronic world of the Internet is unavailable. I do not know exactly when he will again be able to post as regularly as he had before, but I do know he would wish you all to continue with the workshop until such a time when he can join you again.

enazwo
May 11th, 2002, 10:51 PM
Hmm?
Interesting. Funk's in Mexico?
Has he then bailed on the writing workshop he proposed after experiencing the benefits of 7 member's reveiws?
We're being notified by his proxy?
I'm somewhat confused. Of course I'm perhaps being a wee bit over sensitive, but where I come from, leaving the country is something you know fairly in advance, inorder to tie any loose ends, such as notifying people you have commitments with, etc, etc,
Oh well I'm just being jaded when I say I almost feel like I was "duped", "Hornswaggled", "conned", that's probably a little harsh. How about "blown off" or "snubbed"?

Oh okay he probably had a family emergency. I understand.

However it is nice to informed by one of his agents that "he" "the funk" would like to see us carry on until such time he can join us again . How ambiguously refreshing.

I'm eager to see this workshop through to its end. So far I have experienced great things and have learned a lot. And I was counting on at least 5 more weeks of learning.

So who ever is next, I believe estranghero is next, then lets move on. There's lots for us to learn.

enazwo
a prickley pear

gabador
May 11th, 2002, 11:46 PM
estranghero! You are needed to make a submission. Well, if you want your work to be critiqued by out most estabilished, and experienced board of workshop members... Not including me.
Anyway, I guess it's your turn.

estranghero
May 13th, 2002, 07:28 PM
YIPE!!!! IT'S MY TURN!!! NOBODY TOLD ME!!! HELL!!!! SORRY, SORRY, SORRY!!!!


Sorry guys, and here I was waiting with you guys for the next story. I was thinking that Nate's story review was still ongoing.

Anyway, will be sending copies right about now. Not the story I wanted to send but hell, it's something on the backburner I've been percolating.

Here we go...

kassimir funk
May 13th, 2002, 10:17 PM
Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Dont worry I still love you. But if you had the opportunity to come here... youd be here too. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif Ive been in a place called Temixco for the past nine days enjoying tropical paradise. Unfortunately, I was sans internet the whole time. But now.... Im back in Mexico city with semi regular access to the internet. So... keep the submissions coming. Ill get to them... I promise. May take me a bit... but I ill get to em.

Remember, I havent forgotten about you guys.


Da Funk

P.S. Kudos to anyone who noticed that my apostrophes are backwards. These spanish keyboards are friggin goofy!

gabador
May 14th, 2002, 12:47 AM
Well, I think I shall start my critique, and do it as I go along.

First of all, you have put in sufficient intrigue, and mystery about these characters, that I can look forward to reading on.
I'm wondering why you called the Swan song a song. I would have called it the passage of the swans, or something, because I don't think It'd go well if sung. It's a good piece of writing though.

Now as I read on, I see the names. They are excellent names, spanish or portuguese in a way, but the trouble is, that I will not be able to remember them later in the book. What I mean by that:
Valentin-s-Flamiano, Ricardo-s-Safiero, Rinaldo-s-Montaguet, Lenardio-s-Safiero: To the simple mind, wishing for a simple read(namely me) It's just too much to take in. I'm not suggesting you chaange them, it's just how I feel. If the story is interesting enough, I will read it, and learn the names.

From how you start writing it all, I get the feeling that this is going to be a love story. In a way. I can see a fantasy version of Romeo and Juliette.But I guess you explain that yourself. Maybe you shouldn't say to the reader what this story is going to be like. Maybe you should let it come through in your writing.

"Valentin slowly took his sword from the table and hooked it on his belt. He then shouldered both of their cloaks which were drying on the chair beside the fireplace. Lastly, he placed his lute back into his battered traveling case and locked it. He checked around the room to see if he had forgotten anything and, taking a moment's pause, followed Ricardo out, his lute in one hand and their cloaks in another."

I'm not very fond of this line. It was description not done subtly enough. He then, and lastly just don't go well together in one paragraph.

"have important business to contend to" Did you not mean "attend to"?

There are some good lines in there:
"'The last act is upon us and time and tide waits for no one.'"
and the reply:
"You've always had a way with words, milord"
That's good.
Sometimes your description is a bit... Strained. Like here:
"Fortunately, the night was already cool with a light rain so three cloaked and hooded figures on the streets of Duarno went unnoticed. Still, the muddy streets were full of people doing last-minute business as night fell and the fugitives managed to blend in with the crowd. A left turn at the first street, right down a narrow corridor of closely-built houses, straight through a public market just closing for the day, another turn down a side street to avoid a overthrown cart bearing watermelons, across a small dimly-light plaza, and into a small alley that led straight to a dead-end." You might try shortening your sentences, the paragraph would flow much better.

That final action scene was quite good. I see a lot of potential in this piece. Is it a short story, or are you planning to continue it? You need to work abit on how you describe actions, and the length of your sentences, but apart from that, it is an enjoyable story, with a beautiful ending.

Hope this's been a help, if not, you can always retaliate next week with a truckload of unhelpful comments on my work http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif
Good luck:
Gabador

estranghero
May 14th, 2002, 05:59 PM
Thanks gabador! For putting in the first critique even after I submitted my work late, you get a prize: a cookie! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

In answer:


I'm wondering why you called the Swan song a song.

Just thought up of the title because supposedly swans, graceful creatures that they are, supposedly sing a beautiful song before they die. Just a little melodrama on Valentin's part but hey, he's a bard so they can be forgiven for these lapses. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/wink.gif



Now as I read on, I see the names. They are excellent names, spanish or portuguese in a way, but the trouble is, that I will not be able to remember them later in the book... To the simple mind, wishing for a simple read(namely me) It's just too much to take in.

Well, I appreciate the comment and keep it in mind not to overdo it. http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif


From how you start writing it all, I get the feeling that this is going to be a love story... I can see a fantasy version of Romeo and Juliette.But I guess you explain that yourself. Maybe you shouldn't say to the reader what this story is going to be like. Maybe you should let it come through in your writing.

Good point! I always have that problem between saying too much and saying too little. The past work I submitted here had the problem of saying too little while this one... *sigh* But thanks for pointing that out.


I'm not very fond of this line. It was description not done subtly enough. He then, and lastly just don't go well together in one paragraph.

Sometimes your description is a bit... Strained. Like here:

You might try shortening your sentences, the paragraph would flow much better.

You need to work abit on how you describe actions, and the length of your sentences, but apart from that, it is an enjoyable story, with a beautiful ending.


Thanks! I'll edit these and try to keep the flow moving.


That final action scene was quite good. I see a lot of potential in this piece. Is it a short story, or are you planning to continue it?

Well, it's really a one-off from a song that inspired me but who knows if there would be continuation.

Once again, thanks gabador! http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif http://www.sffworld.com/ubb/smile.gif

P.S. Hey kassimir! Have I sent you a copy already?