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A. Lynn
December 13th, 2005, 03:04 PM
Prepare to be CONFUSED :evillaugh:
Alright, I'm a n00b writer and this is something I was trying to play around with during Nanowrimo (yeah... you can tell I really got that project launch ><)

Anyhoo: This here is the poem prologue

Legend has it we are not alone
And this us humans have always known,
For in the darkness do monsters roam
Within that realm they call they're own.

This darker plane, it mirrors our time.
Mimics our land, and shares our sky.
In this place, only a difference slight;
There is no day, there is no night.

Yet we are sheltered from their avail.
The planes asundered without fail,
Behind the thing they call the Veil.
Or so they say in the old world tale.

But it is certain some believe,
that on this dark, fall-time eve,
the Veil will crumble... sink and reeve...
and let the worlds interweave...


If you like what you see then you may continue the story here :) http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1121p0.html

Thankyou! A. Lynn

Expendable
December 13th, 2005, 06:36 PM
It's a good story, it's got great flow. There's some misspelled words you should look for but you've painted a clear picture from start to end.
-Ex.

A. Lynn
December 14th, 2005, 12:35 AM
It's a good story, it's got great flow. There's some misspelled words you should look for but you've painted a clear picture from start to end.
-Ex.


Ahh, grammar. Always my bane.. damn you mr. fuzzy pickle man! *shakefist* But I'm glad you like it. ANything you liked or disliked?

AskPik
December 14th, 2005, 01:14 PM
What worked for me:
- The introductory poem was great.
- I like reading from the point of view of a different species.
- You build good suspense as you lead up to the fighting.
- I am eager to find out about the silvery orb.

What didn't work for me:
- How can they burn a forest every other year?
- The verb tense seems to change often.
- It's uncomfortable for me to be "in" a character who enjoys eating ogre flesh. (that's just personal preference)


Did that take you a long time to write? If I tried to write sentences that complex, it would take me forever!

I would read on. I would want to see how the poem is going to play out in the plot. And I am very curious about finding out about the Hawk? (flying thing with talons) that is telling the story.

Hope this helps. Keep it up.

--Aaron

A. Lynn
December 14th, 2005, 07:51 PM
What worked for me:
- The introductory poem was great.
- I like reading from the point of view of a different species.
- You build good suspense as you lead up to the fighting.
- I am eager to find out about the silvery orb.

What didn't work for me:
- How can they burn a forest every other year?
- The verb tense seems to change often.
- It's uncomfortable for me to be "in" a character who enjoys eating ogre flesh. (that's just personal preference)


Did that take you a long time to write? If I tried to write sentences that complex, it would take me forever!

I would read on. I would want to see how the poem is going to play out in the plot. And I am very curious about finding out about the Hawk? (flying thing with talons) that is telling the story.

Hope this helps. Keep it up.

--Aaron

Oh yes that helps! This makes my night! I'm glad that you have pointed out what you liked AND disliked, so few people do that!

Okay on what you like:
Glad it's made an impact so far, it gave me shivers while writing it so I was hoping it would give others the same feeling too! You shall find out about the silvery orb soon enough :D

On what you disliked:
Yeah, my verb sense really stinks. I will always fiend for help on that.
The forest thing? Yup, you've caught, it couldn't happen. Thank you for pointing that out.
Is it really that uncomfortable being "in" a thing that eats flesh? GOOD! I want everything about this character to seem awkward and unruly, it is supposed to make you feel uncomfortable every sense of the way!
I am very glad you want to see the next chapter, thank you so much for the comfort, and I have already started Chapter 1 to further the story.