View Full Version : Critique: prologue
December 13th, 2005, 07:14 PM
~Removed by author for, you know, author reasons~
December 13th, 2005, 08:01 PM
Your prologue has some promise - it grabs the reader's attention.
It was not the first time she felt the sharp wind whip her face as she ran, the scent of human men causing her every sense to burn.
If she's running into the wind, where's the scent of man she's smelling coming from?
Claws smacking the pavement with every stride. This creature had no time to look back, just keep going, just to get away.
What sort of creature is she?
She turned sharply, sliding slightly due to her current speed and ran toward an abandoned bell tower just near the city’s outskirts.
I'd cut "due to her current speed", if she's trying to outrun a car then we already know she's going fast.
Curving her long tail in front of her, the spikes on it facing the men, she slowly and gently she lowered the seemingly human baby from her mouth to the ground.
"seemingly human" is a dead giveaway, isn't it?
“Look!” another man cried, “it’s probably going to eat that baby! Save it, and hurry!”
"Probably"? >.<; Some dragon's got hold of a baby and you're worried it's just probably going to eat it?
She sprung in front of the baby, snarling and baring her teeth to their roots, moving in to attack… almost as if protecting it rather than guarding it.
I thought she was guarding the child as its protector?
“we’re taking this thing to the sheriff’s office,” a man said, still shivering with dread.
Why aren't they calling the sherrif out there to see it instead?
Immediately with at most care, lifting the crying infant, Mike said softly, “don’t cry, it’s ok… I’ll take care of you, you don’t have to be afraid.”
Mike named the boy Carter, taking him into his own home after that night. He tried desperately to find the parents of the baby and when after months of failure he’d given up his search and Carter, he decided then, was HIS and he’d take care of him as if he were is own...
The last two lines can be cut - mostly because they don't read right. A baby's been carried off by a dragon and you're not taking it to a doctor or hospital? Does Mike have everything he needs to take care of a baby at home? Does he have a wife or family to watch the child when he's working? Why isn't the sheriff looking for the parents?
A little editing to tighten up your prologue and you'll be fine.
December 13th, 2005, 08:09 PM
thanx alot for the crit ^^ i'll work on it
December 13th, 2005, 08:14 PM
You're welcome! ^_^
If you post your edited prologue, please leave the original one up so others can compare.
December 14th, 2005, 01:34 PM
What worked for me:
- great beginning, you start with a bang and I am immediately interested.
- I immediately like the clawed character once I realize she is holding an infant, for some reason I can tell she is not going to hurt it.
- Great hint-giving to keep suspense, you don't tell everything about the character and let my imagination work.
What you might consider improving:
- as I began, I thought I was reading from the character's point of view. If this is true, then think of this:
- Does the character know that a car is a "car"? If not, you can't name
it as such.
- The character wouldn't refer to herself as a creature.
- The character wouldn't know what a shotgun was, or a pick-up.
- if you aren't writing from that spikey character's point of view, polish it up a little bit to be more clear.
- WHy did you kill the character off!? I would do this with the prologue:
Write from the character's point of view, adding confusion about her surroundings. Don't kill her off, perhaps she gets wounded and they get the baby. Don't tell us why she had the baby, but she has to have it for some good reason that we'll find out later. LEave us hanging at the end of the prologue, you wrap it up too quickly and nicely in one short paragraph. If it's meant to be a teaser, it's okay if you end with Mike pointing the shotgun at her--I'd definitely want to read on. . .
Awesome start to a story, i'd be interested in reading more.
hope this helps.
December 15th, 2005, 10:31 PM
thanx alot for the crit i'll work on it ^^ you'd have to read more of the story to know why i killed her in the prologue lol. you find out who she actually was WAYYY later lol. you can read more if you are interested i could use more crit on it.
and when you realize what she was in the story, she is familar with humans and things liek cars/guns, she's just scared of humans so she is trying to get away
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