View Full Version : Critique, please - Mike
December 14th, 2005, 05:57 PM
Mike is a senior in high school. This is his first attempt at writing fantasy. He'd appreciate any feedback on his writing.
December 14th, 2005, 07:54 PM
Um, I hate to inform you of this, but this piece is basically a retelling of the opening section of the Computer Game Baldur's Gate 2: Shadows of Amn. Clearly, Mike does not intend plagiarism, as he makes no effort to change the names (some liberties are taken, and the dialogue is clearly his own). I'd call this "fanfiction", which is legitimate on the web, but not on this site. From the terms and conditions:
We do not allow fanfiction as in work based on Star Wars, X-Files, Wheel of Time or other existing series or any other copyrighted characters. This due to copyright infringements.
The style is pretty simple. He did this, then he did that. Without an original idea, I'd expect the style to be of interest. Sadly, it's not.
Sometimes, the prose is hurried, taking leaps:
Keldorn thought intensely for a moment, he felt he could trust this girl and that he knew her from before.
Sometimes, there are too much words:
Not having any idea as to who this young woman was, Keldorn said in a rather rude manner "who are you?"
I'm sorry to say, I didn't get much further than the first page.
December 15th, 2005, 09:03 AM
Thanks for the feedback. This is very good to know, especially as I am his teacher! Now, how to handle this? . .
December 15th, 2005, 10:24 AM
I'm not a mod, you might ask them, they're helpful people. :)
You might put the story up on your own page and link to it from there.
December 15th, 2005, 11:24 AM
From a teacher/pupil perspective, I'd say it's good that he has an interest in this kind of work. Certainly when I was at school often teachers would chastise me for writing fantasy or scifi stories. Quite often teans DO write "fan fiction", and many go on to become writers of that kind of fiction, particularly comics, where an extensive fan knowledge is required.
I would go easy, and suggest he try creating his own world - but avoiding sterio-types. Encourage him to be creative.
Hope this helps!
December 16th, 2005, 11:56 AM
The story's offline now. . .
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