View Full Version : Critique the Rise of Yoshimo
December 15th, 2005, 12:07 PM
Chad is a junior in high school and this is his first attempt at writing a fantasy short story. Any feedback would be much appreciated.
December 15th, 2005, 02:07 PM
This story has some energy and potential, but the writer's rushing it a bit, creating some abrupt transitions.
Yoshimo wakes up to find the wizard's death spells has killed everyone else and vows revenge - then suddenly he's in an alley being taunted by a teen gang of wizards. His master rescues him, making a medicene but then when Yoshimo wakes up, his master's dead too.
But why did Kunta kill Yoshimo's family?
What's between Yoshimo and the Skulls?
Why did Obemi die? Why was his body already cold if he just died?
The fight scene had just the right pace, as did Obemi making the medicene. He just needs to put the effort into expanding the rest of his story.
December 16th, 2005, 11:57 AM
The story is offline now. . .
December 16th, 2005, 12:04 PM
Why? Was he upset or something?
December 16th, 2005, 12:40 PM
No, but he doesn't seem extremely invested in the process. I don't want to waste this community's time when the student doesn't really care a whole lot.
He got some feedback and that's good enough for me (and him, so I say!)
The stories I've left up are from students who are thoroughly engaged and excited about the process.
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