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Bryheinnen
December 23rd, 2005, 11:45 PM
Title--"The Last Road"

Author - Gerald Jennings

This is a story I wrote many years ago (in my twenties--I'm 60 now) and which I just recently dusted off.

There is some bad language, but it is organic to the story and not gratuitous.

Let me know what you think. Fire away.

Jerry

Expendable
December 24th, 2005, 12:21 AM
Bry, where did you post your story?

If you posted it to the Community, did you set Status from 'Draft' to 'Published'? Nobody can see a story when it's on 'Draft'.

Looking forward to reading your story. =^_^=

-Expendable

Bryheinnen
December 24th, 2005, 07:41 AM
Bry, where did you post your story?

If you posted it to the Community, did you set Status from 'Draft' to 'Published'? Nobody can see a story when it's on 'Draft'.

Looking forward to reading your story. =^_^=

-Expendable

I have had two or three things puublished in the traditional sense of the word, and that's what I thought it meant, so I save two of them as "draft". They are now "published".

Dawnstorm
December 24th, 2005, 09:59 AM
Quite an enjoyable read. Good pacing. I especially like the way you introduce "it", in terms of come, been and gone, before you realise "it" was there. Very nice. Made my almost turn my head myself. You caught the mood very well (which is the main attraction to reading, I feel).

A few minor clean-ups on the close-reading level might improve the language flow; e.g.: "Occasionally Jim Owens, the driver, was marginally aware..." (the repition of "...nally", here, creates a cross-reference that distracts). There are some little things like these sprinkled throughout the story.

Good story. :)

Expendable
December 27th, 2005, 01:22 AM
Wonderful pacing! I love how everything unfolds neatly into the next section.

There are little hiccups though.


He knew she had been ‘seeing' (his lips twisted involuntarily into a ghost of a smile at the irony of that polite euphemism) Walt Archer lately, and previously he had suspected everyone from his own boss to the paper boy - probably with justification, in most instances.
You don't need this last bit, it's just a bit much.


As he watched, eyes bulging, it began an effort to get through the window.
'An effort' - I can see him saying this afterwards. But not while it's trying to get in.

Really, all I've got is just minor stuff you'd probably catch in your next edit. The story is good and solid. You are a great writer.

Anything I've said here you can keep or reject at your own concideration.

--Expendable

p.s. I hate the word "Newbie".

onions
December 27th, 2005, 10:06 AM
Is it okay to admit that I just didn't get the end?
What is Owens planning to do, why did he turn off into that other lane? He opens the door to do what?
If someone would explain, I'd be thankful.

What I really liked was the deterioration of him after the first encounter. That was brilliant. Going from pissing his pants to premature ejaculation to the "last road" thing was...inevitable, and spooky. A bit like Stephen King at his best.

The screaming scenes were very realistic.

I was not so happy with some details at the beginning. These are my personal gripes.

About the raccoon: It seems to go on forever.
"Oddly, this small tragedy had fastened onto his thoughts with curious tenacity. He was vaguely but definitely disturbed by the trivial incident; it filled him with a strangely persistent disquiet."
Okay, okay, I got it! Of course, I often underexplain, so this may just be a personal preference.
And were you just trying to create a mood or did I miss the significance of the two roadkills?

"Be it ever so humble" - Huh? Didn't understand the sentence, sorry.

Camus reference: I think it would have been better to have him quote a passage in his mind, rather than have you, the author, explaining the similarities to Camus. Sounds like you showing off, when that wasn't your intention at all.

I like the absurd details that flash through his mind, like things often do, like "Jupiter in Scorpio" or "gregorian chant"

I liked this story!