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Uplifted1
January 11th, 2006, 12:52 PM
Hi!

My name's Eric and I have come back to theis now GIGANTIC forum. (It used to be tiny!)

I am amazed that they still have my short story still on this Site (Upon this Life...) and I am gratified to see a lot of people here.

I am an Author and I do have a novel out, that's why I haven't been here in a long time.

I hope everyone is doing well and hope to hear from some of you!

Take care!

Eric

Uplifted1
January 11th, 2006, 12:58 PM
Here's a story I wrote. Tell me what ya think...

Whereabouts Unknown: The Unforgivable Sin

2006 Ó Eric J. Obmann


He looked out his faceplate and looked to where he was. Galaxies and asteroids flew by him, as he did a check of his equipment. He still had oxygen and his spacesuit was equipped with a makeshift semi-stasis meter. Fanedest snickered; it was a work of genius. It would put the user in an almost suspended animation, thus lowering his oxygen intake. Then, nanobytes that were injected into him, would not operate until he was in stasis. Should an emergency arise, the nanobytes would activate and assist in helping him to alleviate the situation. They could not aid in regards to his rescue beacon, since it had given out when Neptune had appeared as a pinpoint of light.
He looked at his bloodied space suited arm and ratchet tool in his right hand, released the tool and smiled. Those small-minded cretins only knew how to take orders from the ground and make it look good for the TV cameras. He decided, before he signed up for the mission, he would show them the error of their ways. He would show everyone all the wonders of space, even at the cost of his own life. He tried to re-enter the ship, as was his original plan, but the door had sealed shut and cut off his ‘lifeline’. He floated above the craft for a half-hour, mentally debating what to do. Finally, he made the decision to abandon the craft, turning around using his maneuvering jets, giving a short burst with his thruster, head out into deep space, letting inertia do the rest. He then turned on the mini-camcorder inside his suit. It ran on a nuclear battery that never went out, unlike his oxygen, which was on recycling mode since he left the Solar System.
He was awaken every once in a great while for only 20 minutes at a time, but he could see galaxy clusters, pulsars, and asteroids whiz by him in a dazzling, three-dimensional living planetarium show. He would surely die, as his components for his oxygen recycling system were almost depleted. He awoke, as all of his components were refilled and his suit became fully functional. He gasped and looked out his faceplate.
He saw a huge planet…no…a glowing sun with orbiting contrails with…wings? Two bright orbs circled his suit, as one of them stayed above his bloodied arm. He frowned, then held his breath, as he realized what he faced.
He was face-to-face with the Almighty God of the Universe in His Domain. Fanedest felt at a loss for words, until he remembered the blood on his arm. Terror gripped his heart. He tried mouthing forgotten prayers, hoping his awful deed would be overlooked. He did what he did for a reason; a good reason.
He could feel the nanobytes dissolving in his system, as he felt himself being turned around. Even though he knew it was not logically possible, he found himself hovering above the Earth.
His suit instrumentation wildly buzzed and glared inside his helmet, as he started to re-enter the atmosphere. The suit burned and started to turn to ashes and disintegrate. His body and blood burned and boiled. Such intense pain kept him from screaming, as his flesh split from his skull…
He reappeared, sweating profusely, as his suit faced the Earth once more. He looked upon burning letters, engraved on his faceplate:

YOUR HELL FOR ETERNITY

His suit instrumentation wildly buzzed and glared inside his helmet, as he started to re-enter the atmosphere…

onions
January 11th, 2006, 03:27 PM
Hi Uplifted.
I'm really very sorry but I just so do not get what's going on. I don't usually read science fiction, but that wasn't the problem in this case.

What are the nanobytes supposed to do?
Why is his arm bloody?
What was his "awul deed"?
What was his "reason"?
And what's the punishment?

From what I understand, he has been cut off from his ship by mistake. Instead of panicking, he decides to give them all a good show. Evidently he expects the nanobytes to prolong his lifetime or something. As he drifts away he comes face to face with a supernatural being who for some reason takes offense (hubris?) and flings him back into Earth atmosphere. Where he will presumably burn to death with some scathing graffiti before his eyes as a final insult. Is that it? Doesn't answer my questions though, could you explain?

Some oversights:


He tried to re-enter the ship, as was his original plan, but the door had sealed shut and cut off his ‘lifeline’.
If this is something that happened in the past, then it ought to be "He had tried to...". The tenses confused me because I didn't know whether this was happening now or before.


His suit instrumentation wildly buzzed and glared inside his helmet, as he started to re-enter the atmosphere…
Is repeated twice in the story.

And here I get to say a criticism I don't like hearing myself:

He was face-to-face with the Almighty God of the Universe in His Domain.
That is telling, not showing. It might be better to have him exclaim something along the same lines.

SturgeonFreak15
January 11th, 2006, 06:29 PM
I got something a little bit different from what you got, onions. I gathered that this was an astronaut(in the future) sent on a mission to do one thing, and his superiors, thinking he would do it, had left him to it. But he disagreed with their thinking.(is there a hint of politics there?) So when he got up to space, he destroyed something, getting himself hurt in the process. He went against whatever he was sent to do, in any case. Afterwards, his plans went a bit awry when he found he had locked himself out of his ship, he sent a distress signal. But he was too far out in space for it to work. So he decided to end his life the best way. He went into deep space in only a spacesuit. Instead of just depleting his oxygen, and dying because of that, he meets God.( or the almighty god of this story) god is offended by either his previous act, or him in particular. he is sent back to earth. I couldn't tell if his punishment was to go back to Earth, or if it was simply burning in the atmosphere. I thought it was going back to earth, except for the fact that he was burning in the atmosphere. So.. that hell part I couldn't fit in. Eric, where did you get the idea for this story?


Speaker of Nonsense

Uplifted1
January 12th, 2006, 11:44 AM
Hi!

Okay,first things first.

Story in a nutshell:

The astronaut,Fanedest, had a mission in space,but beforehand, he decided he wasn't going to do what the higher-ups told him to do on the mission he was on.He killed the missions crew to take the craft into deep space. Problem was, his 'lifeline' was cut by the door, so he turned himself around and headed for deep space,even though it meant his own life. The nanobytes he inserted into himself help him continue on with minimal oxygen. His rescue beacon's battery wore out,but his camcorder kept going.

He met God and was speechless to meet him.The two orbs showed his blood on his arm.(What is the Commandment? 'Thou shalt not kill?') So, instead of going on, God turns him to face Earth. And he re-enters the atmosphere, burning up in fire. As he thinks he's only getting deja vu,the helmet tells of God's plans for him, as he re-enters the atmosphere....over and over...and over...

Second:

I've got a warped mind. Comes from thinking that the Dan Ryan Expressway in my native Chicago is actually a time warp that slows you down,instead of speeds you up...and eating too much potato salad. If you like that, drop me a line at obmanneric@yahoo.com and I'll share some more tidbits. Look under stories in here under my name and see what you think. Title: 'Upon this Life...' on this Website.

SturgeonFreak15
January 13th, 2006, 02:10 AM
Huh. so I was close. I think you did a good job on it, if I could guess close to what perspective you were writing from. I am definitely going to check out your other stuff. Oh yeah, Welcome back! lol. TTFN tata for now!








Speaker Of Nonsense