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Leo
January 21st, 2006, 09:02 PM
i know most of you have read tierra nova, but do to recent developments i have made a new draft with some what a different twist. i have also edited alot and i would like to know what you the public think of the story. its short and i hope you enjoy it

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1201p0.html

Mark13
January 22nd, 2006, 06:32 PM
Raul, Your ideas are interesting. I am curious to see where the story is heading. You could work on your dialogue a bit. Try to loosen it up and make the characters sound less stiff. Also, perhaps you could flesh out the characters a little, by giving them some idiosyncracies, or a little history. I'm not talking about detailed biographical exposition, here. Just a little color. Take care, Mark13

Leo
January 22nd, 2006, 10:10 PM
Raul, Your ideas are interesting. I am curious to see where the story is heading. You could work on your dialogue a bit. Try to loosen it up and make the characters sound less stiff. Also, perhaps you could flesh out the characters a little, by giving them some idiosyncracies, or a little history. I'm not talking about detailed biographical exposition, here. Just a little color. Take care, Mark13


thank you mark for your comments. i appreciate it

Darkin
January 30th, 2006, 06:37 AM
When you read feedback - remember that in the real world editors get paid to ruin your day. They will send you a dissection of anything you send to them which will make you feel like you should just never commit any idea to paper again.

But that said - what follows is my opinion, and while Ive been writing for nearly 30 years, Im not an editor.

So..

Story concept is good, plausible the story flows when it can.

Your punctuation, sentence structure, grammar, character development, plot framework and cohesiveness are nearly non-existent.

The first paragraph nearly choked me to death.

My comments in red.

Jessica had almost reached her Sansalvador San Salvador isn't that a country not a town or a suburb or even an architectural style? Why then do you describe her apartment as if it were?apartment when the rain started to pour down on her. this is hard to read. Try: Jessica had almost reached her apartment when the rain started pouring down. We know its pouring down on her - that should be clear from the previous sentenceIt had been a long day for her Of course it was a long day for her. Who else would it be a long day for? There is no one else at this time - you switch from her POV to 3rd person in a way which jarrs.and the weather wasn't making it any better. Her Who's body? Jessica's? Use her name again. Or find a differnet adjective... body and hair were already soaked in sweat after having gone through a day of combat exercises, sentence structure is bad. Try: After a day of gruesome combat exercies her body was soaked in sweat. Her hair is part of her body - dont separate the two.and fatigue was catching up with her, the gruesome combat exercises Dont use combat exercises twice. Its a waste of wordsnever ceased to amaze her. Inside her home she climbed the steps to her room. We know its jessica's home - but call it her apartment. Or just "inside" becuase we know it is her home, we dont need to know she is going up to her room - we know its her room because its her apartmentShe quickly peeled off her wet clothes Jessica peeled off the wet clothing... (perhaps go on to say that it was starting to chill her, or that it clung to her like a second skinand, got into bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. Peace had finally come to her, when suddenly the buzzing of the telephone woke her up.Okay.. so she goes to bed. falls asleep immediately but then peace has finally come to her? She fell asleep immediately. Peace was right there at the moment of sleep. You are contradicting yourself. Perhaps the buzzing of the phone does more than wake her up - rouses her from her peace, drags her back to consciousness... or something

Anyway all just my opinion. Keep writing.

Leo
January 30th, 2006, 05:17 PM
When you read feedback - remember that in the real world editors get paid to ruin your day. They will send you a dissection of anything you send to them which will make you feel like you should just never commit any idea to paper again.

But that said - what follows is my opinion, and while Ive been writing for nearly 30 years, Im not an editor.

So..

Story concept is good, plausible the story flows when it can.

Your punctuation, sentence structure, grammar, character development, plot framework and cohesiveness are nearly non-existent.

The first paragraph nearly choked me to death.

My comments in red.

Jessica had almost reached her Sansalvador San Salvador isn't that a country not a town or a suburb or even an architectural style? Why then do you describe her apartment as if it were?apartment when the rain started to pour down on her. this is hard to read. Try: Jessica had almost reached her apartment when the rain started pouring down. We know its pouring down on her - that should be clear from the previous sentenceIt had been a long day for her Of course it was a long day for her. Who else would it be a long day for? There is no one else at this time - you switch from her POV to 3rd person in a way which jarrs.and the weather wasn't making it any better. Her Who's body? Jessica's? Use her name again. Or find a differnet adjective... body and hair were already soaked in sweat after having gone through a day of combat exercises, sentence structure is bad. Try: After a day of gruesome combat exercies her body was soaked in sweat. Her hair is part of her body - dont separate the two.and fatigue was catching up with her, the gruesome combat exercises Dont use combat exercises twice. Its a waste of wordsnever ceased to amaze her. Inside her home she climbed the steps to her room. We know its jessica's home - but call it her apartment. Or just "inside" becuase we know it is her home, we dont need to know she is going up to her room - we know its her room because its her apartmentShe quickly peeled off her wet clothes Jessica peeled off the wet clothing... (perhaps go on to say that it was starting to chill her, or that it clung to her like a second skinand, got into bed, and fell asleep almost immediately. Peace had finally come to her, when suddenly the buzzing of the telephone woke her up.Okay.. so she goes to bed. falls asleep immediately but then peace has finally come to her? She fell asleep immediately. Peace was right there at the moment of sleep. You are contradicting yourself. Perhaps the buzzing of the phone does more than wake her up - rouses her from her peace, drags her back to consciousness... or something

Anyway all just my opinion. Keep writing.


thank you for your oppinion and your sudjustions well taken into note. i will make the proper adjustments in order to try to not make you gag

Darkin
January 30th, 2006, 06:16 PM
Choke was harsh. I apologise for that.

Also thanks for clarifying my own Geographic confusion... El Salvador is the country, San Salvador the city.

Expendable
January 30th, 2006, 06:23 PM
thank you for your oppinion and your sudjustions well taken into note. i will make the proper adjustments in order to try to not make you gag
Leo, I know it hurts, but Darkin's actually trying to help you - please do not bash him. Spelling, grammar and punctuation counts in this business. We all misspell a word here and there. If your word processor doesn't have a spell check, go get a new one. If it does, use it.

You can have the greatest story in the world - and still have it rejected if it's full of spelling errors.

Leo
January 31st, 2006, 04:55 PM
Leo, I know it hurts, but Darkin's actually trying to help you - please do not bash him. Spelling, grammar and punctuation counts in this business. We all misspell a word here and there. If your word processor doesn't have a spell check, go get a new one. If it does, use it.

You can have the greatest story in the world - and still have it rejected if it's full of spelling errors.


i understand perfectly i do take his comments to heart.