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Darkin
February 3rd, 2006, 04:38 AM
I wrote an audio script for a production group I do stuff with.

Its a parody of Star Trek - classic ST. Its a complete farce and ive had two reviews of the script which are polar opposites to each other.

Ive uploaded the full script to my site here:

http://www.geocities.com/darkininc/StarTrekParody.doc

Feedback appreciated.... (Remember its an AUDIO script - so no visuals all voices).

onions
February 3rd, 2006, 06:47 AM
Caveat: Okay, it's always hard to critique humour because...well, everyone laughs at different things, right? Also, I'm no Trekkie, though I have watched quite a lot of the old episodes.

You're good at the wacky humour part of it. Some things like the Indian engineer and the passage about Spic's ears cracked me up - and I really really liked the bridge over troubled water.
Other things like the "She's my sister" and the nose picking...well...sigh.
Sometimes your rhythm is also good, like in the dialogue about the cabbage - I didn't think the cabbage itself was that funny, but I liked how you brought it up a second time after I thought the subject was already closed. Same thing with the door closing. I like the way you repeatedly brought it up.

That said, I get the impression of Steak wandering about aimlessly cracking one joke after another. And after a while this relentless joking around gets a bit tiring.
For instance, I was completely confused about why he'd be going down to blob headquarters in the first place. I know he's supposed to be an idiot, but I think the jokes would have been funnier if the plot behind it were a bit less nonsensical. Maybe that is just my own personal preference. But if everything descends into pure silliness...well, it's less funny.

However, I know there's a tradition of nonsense satire that your piece fits into very well, so maybe you want to keep it that way.

The only thing that really needs work, I think, is was the whole part after the Captain succumbs to insanity.
It seemed to me that the piece was slowing down and winding down to it's final credits when suddenly we get all this action and humping around and killing. The rhythm was a bit off, it wasn't a neat storytelling arch.
Also: Who was the axe murderer? That really confused me. Heh. Frankly, I just didn't get what was happening in the last scene.
One line I found completely confusing was Spic's "Some of us are let us go over...." Huh?

You know, your piece reminds me of Shakespeare. Hamlet, actually. Where the only person left standing is Fortinbras, who then has to bemoan the death of all the others. :)

BrianC
February 3rd, 2006, 09:31 AM
Darkin, I chuckled once or twice, but nothing was there that I found laugh out loud *humorous*. There was so, so much that I just did not find funny: WhooHoo, Welsh, Spic's ears, troubled water, the cabbage, phone sex. To me it seemed that you were working a little too hard to bash your audience over the head with gag after gag after gag.

However, the red shirt thing was clever and funny, and I completely understood the part about sending the away team to Coagulation headquarters. I thought the scene with the copyright police had possibilities (on the line of the homicide investigation in Monty Python and the Holy Grail) but, because it just petered out in the end, ended up being just a distraction.

Speaking of distraction, the material that you have seems more suited to a much shorter length. It seemed like a lot of the "jokes" are tossed in as filler, and distract from what I saw as the two legitimate points of parody: the red shirts and the away team. I believe it would be better if you cut out at least half of the script (although keep the copyright police--just get it more focused).

Frankly, this piece--as is--would not appeal to me. It has really good possibility, but the inane and unfunny gags that come one after another just put me off. But hey, lots of people find Adam Sandler and Tom Green absolutely hilarious, so what do I know?

Darkin
February 3rd, 2006, 03:41 PM
Thanks guys, its this sort of detailed feedback that I have needed.

Points noted, and with the benefits of your perspective - I do agree with what you are saying.

I may shake the chaff out of it, keep the good stuff and use it to create something with more structure than this.

(The ending was completely lame IMO too) :)