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Tari
February 16th, 2006, 04:08 AM
This is the opening of a piece entitled Rules Past I have begun writing for the national youth week writeit competition. . . i'd like to know what people think. . . the theme is adventure. . i know it isnt alot there right now but the rest is still to be typed (its hand written at the moment)

RULES PAST (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1257p0.html)

Appreciated
~ Tari

Dawnstorm
February 16th, 2006, 05:01 AM
The two paragraphs are quite good, only a few things struck me.

1. This may be a result of not having the entire story, but the transition from talking about Toy to getting into action with Risika is a bit abrupt, and left me wondering why the narrator talked about Toy at all. (Or, perhaps, that's not just a paragraph, but a scene break?)

2. Is there more than one "coven"? (From your past pieces I got the impression, there's just one). If no, then I'd capitalise the Coven (cause it's a proper name - even if it's only a nicname).

3. "I reached from my pistols" --> for (?)

Nice flow! :)

Tari
February 16th, 2006, 06:13 AM
The two paragraphs are quite good, only a few things struck me.

1. This may be a result of not having the entire story, but the transition from talking about Toy to getting into action with Risika is a bit abrupt, and left me wondering why the narrator talked about Toy at all. (Or, perhaps, that's not just a paragraph, but a scene break?)

2. Is there more than one "coven"? (From your past pieces I got the impression, there's just one). If no, then I'd capitalise the Coven (cause it's a proper name - even if it's only a nicname).

3. "I reached from my pistols" --> for (?)

Nice flow! :)

Hey DS, The comments are appreciated. No there is only one "coven" so yes they are rivales in the same "club" if you will.

The idea of the seperate view points was to introduce the characters. . .there is a third party in this piece but i will have to extend the work for it to make more sense. it's hand written right now so i'll type it up later on. . .when i get a chance . . .lol. . .homework is crazy.

The end of the second paragraph is supposed to indicate a part of Toy's character. the fact that his weapon of choice are his pistols. . .i did change it at school to "fully automatics" i think. . . .

Do you have any suggestions on making the transitions smoother? I'm kind of stumped. . .

~ Tari

Dawnstorm
February 16th, 2006, 08:42 AM
1. I have no problem with the pistols whatsoever; I just thought it should be "reached for my pistols", not "reached from my pistols"; but it wasn't sure, because - logically - his hands could have been at his pistols and... [edit: I just ended the sentence here :eek: I don't know why; there weren't even the ellipsis-points; I just added them (because I'm too lazy to finish the sentence properly, and because I think the point's been made anyway).]

2. I didn't even realise that there was a PoV-change! I thought it was a third character thinking about Toy, while battling Risika (which struck me as strange).

I actually like the idea of having alternate PoVs.

***

How to make the transitions smoother. Hmm...

1. Scene-break indication: Basically, you don't have to insert a scene-break at all, if the changes are regular (each paragraph a different PoV), but it's harder for the reader to get into the story, and you place emphasis on the method (as the reader has to figure out the method in addition to the story). So, I'd suggest to include scene-breaks, after all (and I'd suggest one scene per PoV; which is what you've done anyway, so there... ;) )

Now, since all the "scenes" so far only last one paragraph, the blank lines could separate paragraphs, as well as scenes: the blank lines are ambiguous. I'd suggest to add an additional marker; an asterix or something:

"...deal with him.

*

Her..."

2. I think, part of why I didn't even realise there was a PoV-change, was that the first paragraph did not contain any reference to the setting; basically Risika just introduced her own background. The reader has no indication of where/how she is, and wanders about that.

The next paragraph, Toy's PoV, goes straight into the action. I think I didn't realise the PoV-change, because the first sentence of the second paragraph is the first concrete indication of setting/action I got.

This is as close as you get to a concrete setting description in Risika's part:

"More than ten years to get this far and I was not about to let some second rank wannabe beat me in my own arena. Toy they called him."

But it's not conclusive. I don't know whether they're actually fighting in that arena, now, or if Risika's just preparing for the fight. (Or, what I actually read into it, because of missing the PoV-change, that someone else thinks of battling toy in his/her own arena while currently battling Risika.)

So, you could start Risika's passage with her observing Toy, and only then go into giving the relevant information (in other words, use the same strategy you used for Toy's PoV).

Could look something like this (just an example, since my explanations might be confusing):

"He circled me like he was playing predator. So confident. I couldn't see his pistols but knew he had them with him. No style, no skill; relying on trinkets. I, on the other hand, had spent most of my life..."

See what I mean? You introduce the scene straight away, and only then go into explanation.

If you have the first paragraph start with "He" and the second with "her", a reader might be confused just for a split second before noticing the parallel structures. For the third PoV, you could then start with "They", and the reader will instantly know there's a third party involved, too.

The rest of the story you can write any way you want, because you've established the pattern.

***

I'm sure there are other methods. That's just what I can think of. If you have any questions, ask. I'm not always very clear. ;)

Tari
February 16th, 2006, 09:02 AM
Okay lots of advice. . .must now edit my piece. . . thanx DS.


1. I have no problem with the pistols whatsoever; I just thought it should be "reached for my pistols", not "reached from my pistols"; but it wasn't sure, because - logically - his hands could have been at his pistols and... [edit: I just ended the sentence here :eek: I don't know why; there weren't even the ellipsis-points; I just added them (because I'm too lazy to finish the sentence properly, and because I think the point's been made anyway).]

I didn't even notice the "from my pistols" lol so thanx for pointing that out.


2. I didn't even realise that there was a PoV-change! I thought it was a third character thinking about Toy, while battling Risika (which struck me as strange).

Well thats no good for the reader not to realise. . . Hmm. . .

Well they havent actually begun fighting yet and he hasnt arrived when Risika is talking so I may be able to use the third person to introduce the scene. . .i dunno. . .too many options. . lol. . actually i cant use third person. . .i'll have to finish typing it for you.



2. I think, part of why I didn't even realise there was a PoV-change, was that the first paragraph did not contain any reference to the setting; basically Risika just introduced her own background. The reader has no indication of where/how she is, and wanders about that.

The next paragraph, Toy's PoV, goes straight into the action. I think I didn't realise the PoV-change, because the first sentence of the second paragraph is the first concrete indication of setting/action I got.

This is as close as you get to a concrete setting description in Risika's part:

"More than ten years to get this far and I was not about to let some second rank wannabe beat me in my own arena. Toy they called him."

But it's not conclusive. I don't know whether they're actually fighting in that arena, now, or if Risika's just preparing for the fight. (Or, what I actually read into it, because of missing the PoV-change, that someone else thinks of battling toy in his/her own arena while currently battling Risika.)

So, you could start Risika's passage with her observing Toy, and only then go into giving the relevant information (in other words, use the same strategy you used for Toy's PoV).

Well as for changing opening line of risika's could happen but wouldnt make much sense and i know i need to describe where they are first. I realised that whilst typing it earlier. . .

it's late i'll work more tomoro. . .thank you for the advice and i'll post the rest 2moro night. . .

~ Tari

Tari
February 19th, 2006, 01:18 AM
Amazing what you can get done in study periods. . .I've typed up another few paragraphs of this piece if anyone is wishing to look.

~ Tari