Critique: Help Wanted

[Obawok]

Hi all,
Due to an unexpected ice storm that has kept me locked in my house all weekend, I've had some time to go through my computer. I came across a story that I had shelved a little while ago. The problem is that although I like it, I'm not sure if the point comes across to a wider audience. Plus, the genre placement is a little murky. I was hoping to elicit some of your opinions. I've posted it in the stories section under Kristi Brooks, or you can just follow the link:

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1276p0.html

Thanks in advance for any advice you might be able to offer.

[Expendable]

It's more Science Fiction than Fantasy, really.


Allison tried to jump back, but in her flurry of movement she tripped over her own feet and fell on her right side, sending a volt of pain from her hip up her side and into her shoulder. The wording of this just seems a bit clumsy to me.

I think you need to sit down and do a good edit to polish this a bit more.

A little preachy, but a good story.

[Obawok]

Thanks for the tip. I didn't mean to make the story preachy. It's supposed to be about a goddess who's gone insane and locked herself away as a suburban housewife. In doing so, she's causing massive destruction through household chores. I wasn't sure how else to depict that, and the idea of a squirrel discussing metaphysics was hilarious to me. But I'll work on it more to sharpen the prose and tone it down.
Thanks again.