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Leo
February 19th, 2006, 06:53 PM
i have been tinkering with this story for a few months and i have just begun to work it out. i would like your input on the story Magica, If you have any thoughts i like to know thank you very much here is route to the story

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story_edit.php?pid=1233

Expendable
February 25th, 2006, 01:45 AM
First, set the Status of your story to 'Published'. Then after you've saved it, give us a link to that page, not your edit page.

I saw a lot of grammar errors right off the bat.


The sounds of trumpets of cheers and bands filled the streets of San diego.Once formally a demon strong hold and filled with dark magic. Now showed no resemblace to what it once was.It dark spires were gone, and its black walls had long been destroyed.
It's San Diego. Stronghold. There should be a space between the period at the end of a sentence and the start of a new sentence. Putting a comma between "Of trumpets" and "of cheers and bands" will make it a little less clumsy. Rework your first sentence.

Does this story start here, or twenty five years ago? And how do you span three ages in just 25 years?

I can see your story starting to come together but while it's got potential, it's still a little unfocused.
As always, feel free to accept or reject anything I've said here.

-Ex.