PDA

View Full Version : Critique: feel free to edit...


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


ckorbat
February 25th, 2006, 07:27 PM
deleted for reasons

choppy
February 25th, 2006, 10:02 PM
Hi ckorbat,

Thanks for the opportunity to look at your work. I noticed some grammar problems. Below are a few suggestions that should improve it (although I don't claim to be a grammar expert).

Overall I think you paint a clear picture of a city being battered by a story and a boy within that city that really appears to be at a low point in his life - alone, cold, wet. Anyone who'se ever been camping in the rain can sympathize.

Nit Picks:

there was seems to be little sign of life. seemed to be ?

anyone who was daring to venture outside who dared

it was bustling with stalls selling items ranging from foodstuffs to silks and laces. Are the stalls selling the items? Also, "foodstuffs" is general, silks and laces are specifc, giving this sentence an awkward feel.

The many that are too poor you change to present tense here

Many had to make do with the Dumpster, why Dumpster and not dumpster - and what do you mean by "dumpster" exactly?

The water runs down the path that leads to the cottage, tense again

When the City was expanding, city

Not wanting to waste precious body heat, he curled up ever tighter as he slowing drifted off into darkness. slowly? and do you mean he drifted to sleep, or he drifted away?