View Full Version : Critique:A little alien-war/bioship/psychological-horror novel
March 1st, 2006, 06:32 PM
Hi, there. My current work-in-progress is a novel called 'Typers' about a long-running human/alien war. It features a trio of misfit protagonsits as pilots (though the part I've written so far only introduces two of them) in addition to their ships. The story involves questions about the nature of humanity as a species, as well as the ethics of love versus hatred and how those philosophies pertain to the deadly conspiracy behind the new ships' constructions (doesn't get more dramatic than that, eh ;) ) the first part of the story is here. (http://shanekentknolltrey.tripod.com/id1.html) Any thoughts / comments appreciated.
March 3rd, 2006, 10:36 PM
I read your first story. It's good, some nice details. But it could be better.
I'm just going to post a few examples.
The 60-something commander sneered at the RL over his bushy white moustache.
Give us a proper number. Or if you want to keep that obscure, use something to suggest his age like deep lines on his face, balding, hair gray or white, liverspots, ancient ribbons from old battles, faded uniform, etc.
Chenine was two-for-three on that score, and she rather looked forward to stretching her spine on the outside of the docking ring.
A little past-tense here and there's ok. But your story seems too past-tense. Let me show you a small change to make it seem more vibrant.
Chenine was two-for-three on that score, and she was looking forward to stretching her spine on the outside of the docking ring.
After that point, she proceeded to throw-up all over the side of that pretty opal ship, and it took two steady hands on either side of her to get her off the bay floor and to the toilet, where she continued vomiting for some time. This is a run-on sentence using 'and' joins, very loose and passive. Let's try tightening this up a bit and bring it into the present tense.
Her stomach lurched. Vomit gushed out of her mouth, all over the side of her pretty opal ship. It took two steady hands on either side of her to drag her off the bay floor and to the toilet.
I suggest editing this again - but it's a good story.
As always, you may accept or reject anything I've said here.
March 5th, 2006, 07:36 PM
I don't like this story you know. The title ,first of all ,i hate "war allien psyco",it's horrible!!! It made me think at "iti"!!!!
You have to name this story "two monkeys in the forest "or "go allien"or "agrobusiness and far love"or "tragedy in my mind"
What you think about it?
And it misses one character no? Who loves this poor chast mouse?
no one? Or she have to a chast love? Or a torrid love with other?
I don't know but it's stange. I don't like this conception!!! And this "chast" have a big eye why?I'm afraid to see that not you?
your story and image are cold? (colors and life)!!! it miss life!!
It's too sad!!!
And why the sea? I will have rather seen a lake, plains!!! it lacks nature not?
this conception is strange but if you want advices i can help you!!
For you my advices will be for 10 dollars!! No,it's a joke skk!!!
And if you analize, "this chast" is between the two other characters!! First image is the main character (a man),after it is "this chast",and finaly it is the other!!
Strange,if you analize this conception,it can reveal much. I have notion in psycho because i have passed exam for contests in the social and from a psychological point of view it 's interesting. And the main character seems to be a little proud because all that comes to his point of view. And the women have anything to say? They love him both? if iit's that in this case he is lucky!!! why a broken heart? It' S the chast heart "or the heart of:o "the main character" or At both? this history seems to be at a true passion!!! interesting!!!
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