View Full Version : Critique wanted:The Half Broken Crown
March 7th, 2006, 03:56 PM
Wow, it's been ages since I last posted here - so busy!!! Anyway, I have started a blog on this website where everyweek I add 1000 words to an online high/dark fantasy novella that I am writing entitled "The Half Broken Crown" - if you get a chance please have a read, parts one and two are online now and part three will be added either tomorrow or the next day - here's the link
Take care everyone
March 7th, 2006, 06:01 PM
Dear darren, wanted to read your online blog but couldn't find the first half.
Is it about anywhere, i've already tried your site but haven't found it.
thanks in advance.
March 7th, 2006, 11:54 PM
Dear Darren--if I may:
First, I like the title. It's enough to get my attention. You obviously have a creative mind as well, which is very cool. However, when I read your story I felt like the characters were flat. That's not to say they're uncool, but you don't really delve into their minds. Few men/women in real life can face even ONE opponent without being nervous, angry, or some kind of emotion. And it sounds like your character is up against some pretty nasty monsters. Yet I have no real idea how he FEELS about it. I'm also not one to believe in the invincible (sp?) hero types. It's too stock fairytale for me. I often cheer on the underdog or sympathize with a hero who's got the odds really stacked against him and KNOWS it. The woman too is a bit 2-D. I don't feel anything about her one way or the other. It's only the begaining, but he's sworn to protect her? If she's such an idiot than why is he hanging around her? Is it more loyalty? Is he secretly in love? And if he's in love, WHAT besides beauty makes her worth death? I'd love to know more.
Action is always cool, but this feels rushed too. I understand you might be outlining your ideas, so this is just an opinion that might help you in future chapters. Don't be afraid to slow down. You don't have to info dump, but maybe your hero has friends in the fight already down and he's worried about them? Or this was the 50th batch of monsters and he's tired?
PLEASE don't let this discourage you. I hope you keep writing it sounds like you've got something :)
March 8th, 2006, 03:35 AM
I have to say, your writing technique is very impressive. I might be able to pick up a thing or two from reading your work. Keep it coming!
I have a question, Prophets of the Shadow is mentioned as a prequel to a published work. Is that published work owned by you? If so, congratulations.
March 8th, 2006, 03:51 AM
Queenmegumi: Thank you so much for your detailed crit, such responses are always welcome. Regarding the charcters, at the moment they are a little bit 2D aren't they! To give you an idea the first 4-5 parts will probably act like the 'prologue' to the story and generally when I do prologues I do them in the same way the James Bond movies use their pre-credit sequences; ie lots of action but little in the way of character development (although I am sure you can see some character traits coming through in part two that were absent in part one, hopefully this will continue!) - the reason I adopt this approach is to show the main characters in extreme circumstances before the actual story begins - for instance, how do they deal with impossible odds, chances of death etc etc. Partly because of the way I write and partly becuase of the books I read I love creating genre-cross overs. In this case I am writing a high fantasy story but borrowing elements of dark fantasy for the prologue section - hence the detachement from the violence around - it can be quite graphic but it remains detached - hopefully like the main character Alraeic - from the worst of it. When you do start getting into Alraeic's head, ie when he is thinking about Leena, you start getting some emotion, ie anger, passion etc - for the violence, he is disattached, hence the sometimes distant feeling of being an observor rather than right in the middle of the action. -phew-
Regarding general character developments, they will be coming soon - I can tell you that Leena is a noblewoman and thus demands Alraeic loyalty - is she worth dying for? No per se in Alraeic's mind, but yes because she is noble and he is not - a minor point but hopefully will help with the context for you :)
Reginald Gordon: Thank you so much, it always makes my day when people like what I write :) Prophets of the Shadow is a prequel to my debut novel, Lord of Darkness and Shadow which is a fusion novel that combines dark and high fantasy (like the Half Broken Crown) and some sci-fi - if you want more details please visit my website www.DarrenReid.co.uk
Ghostshell - all parts of the story are in the same blog, part one being at the very bottom :)
I will hopefully write and publish part three later on today so if you like, please look out for a blog update from me :)
Best to everyone, keep reading ;)
April 17th, 2006, 09:24 AM
P.S - here is the link to the series!
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