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Leo
March 9th, 2006, 02:31 PM
i have posted this story in an attempt to put myself out there i really just want some feed back. i have done some editing but dont really know if its comprehendable this is where you people the public come in. i would like to know some thoughts on the idea its order and anything else you guys want to mention, i do realise that the idea is far fetched but so is alot of things in the SF world so just give me your honest oppinion.

here is the address
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1335p0.html

Merancapeman
March 9th, 2006, 03:15 PM
One thing I want to point out quickly: if you wish to post your story, first exit your account, go to "Stories and Poems", find your posted story, and THEN copy and paste the URL. Your story is coming up in an "Edit" box, and I'm SURE you don't want some jerk screwing with your story which, by the way, looks like a great beginning. I've done that before (I copied the URL from my edit box and have regretted it since) and it's not very fun to discover new words in your story.

Hold on... You need to save your story first, don't you? Give it a title, set it as "Published" and it should be completely viewable by public. I don't know if you did it that way on purpose, but I wouldn't recommend it.

GhostShell
March 9th, 2006, 07:19 PM
I liked this alot. Its quite fast though, starts well, but if you keep this pace you'll be charged with manslaughter - my heart having exploded from your writing.:D
(Don't worry its a hassle that sometimes affects me too.)

These types of stories are usually very good and are very giving when it comes to new technology info. Its a nice choice of genre.

Have 3 critiques though:

1) "May I suggest my friend Nicoli Sergio; he is an old friend of mine he used to be part of the enemies military. I think he would be a great asset on this mission. He is also a skilled engineer and he can reverse engineer any electronic out there". Most often in this type of situation, you're soldier will give the man's full name. Then any relation to him. "While he used to be part of the enemies military, he has since...blah blah blah... I think he would be a great asset on this mission."
The general would probably question how trust worthy this pilot is. Get the commander's response and order a background check done, just in case.

2) Usually in these briefings would give a brief idea of what the political implications were or how the political people are treating this. You could put just a small amount in and that would make sense if there was a war on (though i can't tell if there was or is one on from what you've said).

3) You've got alot of spelling errors (like mined instead of mind or minded, i can't remember which). I don't usually say about this because it happens easily to everyone, but there were large amount in your work. This means that either your not too good with spelling (as none of us are) or that your a bit worried about your work (or something worried you when you were writing it). If it wasn't your work, well not much i can say, if it was just the worry of doing the work or putting it out here. Don't worry, your among friends here, and your story is something i would definately keep reading.

I can already see things going pear shaped for them out there. Its a really good start, looking forward to additions.

queenmegumi
March 10th, 2006, 04:37 PM
I like the idea of your story, maybe because China is going to have a major part to play in world history @_@;I think it's too rushed, though. Slow down. Take the time to explain more about your character. Not just her looks. Her thoughts and feelings and concerns. I'm really interested in Jessica and would like to learn more. :) You can thread information in that will make that phone call all the more important. How did China's testing get on the news if nobody knows where they tested? Little details will really transport me to the future. I can't wait to learn more about this future. Good job!

Blue Tide
March 11th, 2006, 01:04 PM
Good beginning. You have a nice flow to your writing that allows the reader to be pulled into the story, as opposed to being tripped up by over-wordiness.

One thing I noticed is a sentence in the first paragraph. It looks like it might be a bit of a run-on and you might switch “was catching” to active voice. Maybe something like:

Her body and hair were already soaked in sweat after having gone through a day of combat exercises. Though fatigue caught up with her, the gruesome combat exercises never ceased to amaze her.

-or-

Her body and hair were already soaked in sweat after having gone through a day of combat exercises. The fatigue of the gruesome combat exercises, though amazing, caught up with her.

The last sentence in the first paragraph is a great opportunity to ‘show-not-tell.’ Rather than telling us that peace came to her, let us experience it or give us a peek into her humanity. i.e.

The sound of the rain outside lulled her weary thoughts, allowing her to relax. The tide of sleep was just about to overtake her, when suddenly...

- or, since she is so tired from the harsh training –

Though first love was the intense physical and mental training session, her pillow was a close second. As soon as she felt the softness against her face, consciousness blissfully escaped... or whatever..

This sentence is a bit confusing, because is she saying it, or thinking it? Also, get rid of that 2nd ‘could.’:

Turning her attention to the television she *muttered the phrase* "How could the bastards could even considered unleashing such," *she thought watching* the recount on the television and then finally turning to head out of her room.

Sometimes thoughts can just be expressed as questions and will be understood by the reader as such.. i.e.

She watched the television in disbelief. How could the bastards even consider unleashing such a thing?

You have a great start here. In the first few paragraphs you have me hooked. I’m already wondering: What is this amazing yet gruesome combat training? Who is she and what motivates her? What is this horrible weapon created by the Chinese? What is her relationship with Rio Dario?

Conflict is one of the things that engages the reader. The conflict with the Chinese is great, but you have some other opportunity for interesting conflict: Her relationship with Rio Dario. Maybe one is interested in the other more than professionally, but it’s unrequited. Maybe Rio is an arrogant young pup that annoys everyone, but is so good at what he does that he can get away with it. Maybe she is. What if she was part Chinese?

Anyways, keep writing and refining. I want to find out what happens.

Btw, I'd love to get your feedback on the start of my story 'The Fallen Angel of Ngamgani' posted above.

-- Curtis

Leo
March 11th, 2006, 06:42 PM
i will add things to it to make it just right thanks