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TrueScorn
March 10th, 2006, 12:34 AM
Removed at request of author

The Towers of Adrala is now available for purchase at www.lulu.com/adrala

Blue Tide
March 11th, 2006, 07:53 PM
This is a great start. You have me wondering what the situation is, who the characters are, and what their relationship is. Btw, nice imagery in the beginning. “Tornadoes cut through civilizations like twisted scalpels.” - nice

Here are some general comments. My goal is to give you honest feedback.

There were a few run-on sentences in there. Either split them into separate sentences, use conjunctions, or figure out a way to merge them together.

Check out this webpage about the difference between lie and lay. There are really three different meanings there and they all conjugate slightly differently.

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/grammar/archive/lielay01.html

Craft the words in such as way that they are as unobtrusive as possible and yet draw us into the story. Wordy-ness or complex constructions can sometimes trip up the reader and it breaks the flow of imagination. Keep it simple. The greatest part of editing and revising is throwing away the unnecessary.

Something else is the whole show vs. tell thing. Tell us the main character’s thoughts and motivations, but allow the reader to draw their own conclusions. Take, for instance, the beginning scene when he is lying in the forest and hears the thing in the trees. You have the beginnings of some great tension here and then surprise the reader when it turns out to be Pird.

Overall, it’s an excellent start. Revise and write more. I want to know what happens to the people and what is going on.

-- Curtis

TrueScorn
March 19th, 2006, 10:56 PM
Thank you, Blue Tide, for being one of the brave few to leave a feedback. An honost one at that.

Like I stated at the top, the Prologue is a very recent addition to the Towers of Adrala (The original one was painful), but I haven't gotten around to downsizing the first chapter. There are, like you said, many run on sentences. The next half is similar, but with the lack of critiques (my fault really, I haven't had the time to critique everyone else's, been on vacation) I'm not sure if I'll continue to post here.

Lay and lie, those plagued me until around the sixth chapter, then I noticed the error I was making. Thanks for the site suggestion, though.

Show vs tell- harder when you're juggling four characters. I ease you into their minds very, very slowly.

I dunno, I'll have to critique more and give this site a shot.

Blue Tide
March 20th, 2006, 12:21 AM
Don't be discouraged by lack of responses. Instead, use this as a means to find people with whom you can correspond. It takes time for people to get to know you and to start knowing your work.

Spend half an hour on this site, reading a responding every other day, and within a short while, you will start to get more responses.

The other thing to do, is look for local critique groups where you live. I have found a couple in my location.

In any event, feel free to email me privately if you would like more feedback.

Regards,

-- Curtis

TrueScorn
March 20th, 2006, 07:32 PM
Thanks for the encouragement, still need to find a set time where I can spend that kind of time on this site. That's exactly what I do on the other two sites I visit, I average a ratio of 13 critiques to every 1 I receive. Thanks for the time, though.

Also, Part 2 starts here in the stories, just click http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1337p5.html