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Blue Tide
March 11th, 2006, 01:03 AM
Hi everyone! I am soliciting critique and opinions about the beginning of my story. Please let me know what you think..:)


The Fallen Angel of Ngamgani


March 11th, 2006, 01:38 AM
I love the characters, especially Willow. Hilarious! You've got really creative ideas going too, but I'm not sure if you're on earth or not. Even one sentence can clarify what Nuris are or at least if they're human/magic/etc. You don't have to launch into their history at all, just Willow muttering under her breath about them. "Stupid natives of this stupid planet" or "stupid magic users" or whatever . Something that simple would make me go interesting!! Also, the transition between scenes is a little too sudden. That's easy to fix, however. . Still, I love the crazy driving scene and the fact that Willow is such a free spirit. Good job. :)

Blue Tide
March 11th, 2006, 01:43 AM
I definately appreciate the feedback!

Please, tell me more about your suggestions about scene transitions. Generally, is it all of them, or are there ones that are better than others? Sometimes my head is so deep in the words that it is difficult to come back up and get perspective.

March 11th, 2006, 04:44 PM
i can see this turning into somthing. i had trouble with start trying grasp. like of the other people said before you have to give more about your charachters. over all pretty good keep going you have somthing here