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Blue Tide
March 12th, 2006, 01:24 AM
I have posted the first chapter of my story. Please give me your feedback, good or ill. I am also interested in knowing if this is at all compelling.



-- Curtis

March 13th, 2006, 02:28 AM
Your summary says this planet's forgotten their tech but so far I've not seen anything to suggest they're on another planet really, other than mention of the galactic arks.

Also we have no idea what a 'fallen angel' is or how society views these girls. As everything is about making Tiana a hooker, they must be hookers. Sad you couldn't have done anything to make her more than that. Our only hope is that as the story continues, she develops beyond this fallen angel/hooker.

Blue Tide
March 13th, 2006, 11:45 AM
Thanks for your honest appraisal. It's what I was looking for.

I was trying to set the stage for a great deal of soul searching, personal growth and transformation as the story unfolds. However, I think I have failed answering the basic question of 'so what?' There is not enough there for the reader to be able to either identify with the character, or understand the trap she's falling into.

March 13th, 2006, 12:49 PM
Maybe if you worked a little harder to show how miserable the first colonists lives are and contrast it against a showy example of an apparently successful 'fallen angel'. You know, rising celebrity stuff. Magazines, parties, nightclubs, yadda yadda yadda. Then along her 'rise', show the bitter examples of failure, exposing your moral trap.

Blue Tide
March 13th, 2006, 02:14 PM
Thank you for your candor. Your input is helping me quite a bit.

Can help me understand what I've missed? Here are the points I tried to get across with the first chapter:

- Tiana is from the lap of luxury.
- Her father is an asshole and has left her woefully unprepared for any sort of life as a woman outside that lap of luxury.
- Tiana is unfairly ejected from her life for a cross-class liason.
- Tiana comes into contact with a particularly nefarious drug, which more or less turns the users vampire-like, which will play a much larger role later on.
- Alone and scared, she unfortunately turns to the only person she know (Willow), someone who makes their living in an immoral way.
- Revealed later on, Willow sees exploitable opportunity in Tiana, based on her class (being from a citadel), her money and her beauty.
- Revealed later on, Willow is actually grooming Tiana for her own purposes.
- Tiana battles with her own personal demons of self-doubt, self-worth, and a love-hate relationship with her father, which ultimately makes vulnerable to exploitation by Willow.

In the first few chapters, I attempt to take Tiana from the very top, to the very bottom, where she comes face-to-face with herself, discoveres what is truely important to her and embraces her destiny..

March 13th, 2006, 04:02 PM
I think part of the problem is we don't see the fall. You just tell us about it. And that's not enough.

We need to see Tiana in her lap of luxury. We need to see her father denying her the chance to grow so that he can groom her towards his goals, probably marrying her to a wealthy family to cement some sort of business arrangement.

This way you build up sympathy for Tiana.

The fall is the hook. The discovery of her secret love affair, her fall from grace, no one to turn to - except Willow.