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Leo
March 18th, 2006, 06:38 PM
i have posted the whole first chapter for nova 2.0 and i really do hope its good as always this is the testing phase, but from your previous comments you guys like it so i decided to take the risk and put this chapter out. Its full of suspense and a big twist and problems have just started for the group so enjoy.
i would like some feed back on the chapter if you please and be honest.
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1335p0.html

choppy
March 19th, 2006, 08:04 PM
Sorry for the double post. Compter and I and not getting along at the moment.

choppy
March 19th, 2006, 08:22 PM
Hi Raul,

I notice a fewthings right off the bat in the story summary. I know this sounds nit-picky, but as a reader what goes through my mind is that if there are immediate problems with the summary, there are going to be problems with the rest of the story and I would likely just give it a pass.
In the year 2080 china leads in technology, being the first to conquer the power of Fusion the secret to genetic enhancement they create a race of super humans. Seeing themselves as superior beings the super humans start a war that would envelop the world
- China is a nation and should be capitalized
- Why is Fusion capitalized?
- Is "Fusion" the secret to genetic enhancement, or do you mean to have a comma in there? (As a side note - fusion technology is something many countries are currently pursuing as a means of energy production that is "less harmful" than fission.)

Chapter 1 the unknown enemy Shouldn't a chapter title be capitalized?

Imperialist China had just conducted a successful test in an unknown site. Imperialist China? Are they still communists? Also, you don't mention what kind of tests.


Sorry Raul, the rest of my post died and I don't have time to re-write it. Overall I got through the first page and detected a few flaws that I think could be fixed by a solid self-edit. What exactly was China testing? Why did Jessica have time to put on jeans and a T-shirt, but not a uniform?

As a suggestion, you might want to try reading the story out load. You'd be suprised at how many bugs you anc detect this way. I would encourage you to keep writing though. The story itself is intriquing and with polish, I think could really go somewhere.

Cheers!