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March 23rd, 2006, 05:39 PM
Hi all,

I haven't been around for a while, but I posted a few excerts of my last novel on here, and the critiques I recieved were very helpful. Three FMs of that novel are now in the hands of agents, but while I wait the looonngg wait on that, I've been working on a new one.

This is the 2nd draft of a fantasy/detective novel. I would appreciate any comments on it, particularly the dialogue-if it flows well, sounds realistic.

SNOWTEAR: http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1380p0.html

March 23rd, 2006, 06:51 PM
Now that's a fun read. :D

Little more to say. That one needs a line edit, not general comments. It grabs and flows well from there.

There's been talk about prologues lately; and from what's been said, it appears what you've written is really chapter 1 (but, then, I don't know what the story's about, so it might still be a prologue).

And to say something useful as well:

the man she could only was Riken Snowtear snapped.

This clause misses a verb. (I think, it's a verb that's missing...)

...and the sudden thunk of something thrown against the door...

...before something else shattered against the other side of the door...

The first time you didn't say "other side", the second time you did. This may cause confusion (read: caused confusion for me - for about half a second, but enough to break the flow) on account of ambiguity: The other side from before, or the other side from where she stands?

Context provides the answer, but context would provide the image without "the other side" being mentioned, as well. I think it's safer to drop that phrase.


That's about it. Great read.

March 23rd, 2006, 10:30 PM
Very enjoyable.

The min, mon confused me however, and i gather that you''l explain properly about what Sage is (species-wise) later in the story.

I also liked Snowtear, he was a stereotype detective yet not, which is very interesting, its the first thing i've heard of like that before and very intriquing to start with.

Keep it coming if you wouldn't mind i would really like to know where this is going.


March 24th, 2006, 03:00 AM
If you had showed us the child being kidnapped or told us something about Human/Sophci/Liechen relations, that would have made a good prologue. But this?

Dawnstorm's right. This isn't a prologue, it's chapter one. It's too essential to the story but not showing anything the reader wouldn't expect. Why would you waste a prologue to hire a detective?

Other than that, it's a modest start to your story. The kidnapped child and the fact she's not human gives it a bit of a hook, we'll have to see how it goes.

March 24th, 2006, 02:43 PM
Hi all,

Thank you for your comments.

Regarding this first part being a prologue, the rest of the novel is told from Snowtear's POV, so I may have wrongly assumed that such an abrupt switch of POVs required it. If you guys don't think so, I have no problem changing it.

As to Snowtear's ability to morph from low-life to competent detective, hopefully I paint a clear and realistic picture of how that works later on. Maybe not. I'll post a couple more chapters, see what you guys think. The next chapter is already up.

Again, thanks for your comments.