philosopher
March 28th, 2006, 12:07 AM
Having just started writing, I am fairly in experienced, and don't expect to publish anything - I write for fun. However, I still very interested in polishing work, so it would be awsome to get a critique.
I am not easily offended, and would appreiciate hardcore advice, be candid and tell me what you think. (if you thinks its crap, tell me its crap, so I can fix it :)
Here it goes first page or so:
A handsome fire crackled in the living room, casting shadows across the wood-paneled walls. Two fourteen-year-old twins, one a boy and the other a girl sat lazily on the sofa. Both teenagers were tall and slender, and had dark brown hair. They sat in silence, their faces crestfallen, starring contemplatively into the warm fire.
After a short while, a man strolled into the room and sat beside the twins. His eyes were like windows into a cloudless night sky, and his features were soft and wrinkled. He looked about fifty (although he was much older), and wore silver spectacles atop his nose. The man cleared his throat, and the twins were immediately shaken from their trance.
“I have been wanting to tell you something,” The man said, “You see, I feel it would be best if you did not return to boarding school after Christmas break.” A smile crept across the twin’s faces, and they sighed in relief.
Paul began, “Thanks Aleister, we feel the same. I was hesitant to talk to you about it--afraid you would think we didn’t appreciate--,”
“Nonsense, I know you appreciate my effort. I am just sorry this school was so awful,” Aleister said.
All of a sudden, Paul and Mara felt warmer and more comfortable, with the news that they would not be returning to the atrocious school. Paul stood up and poked the fire with an iron rod.
“Are we going to stay here?” Mara asked.
“I’m afraid so,” Aleister said, smiling warmly.
“But, I thought you were always on the run, traveling for your job?” Paul Inquired.
“My circumstances have changed – I have decided to live in this cottage for a time,”
The twins seemed satisfied by this answer, and returned to gazing in the fire. They didn’t notice their grandfather turn pale and shift nervously in his ancient leather chair.
Aleister glanced at the two teenagers, convinced they were daydreaming by their blank stares. Nervously Aleister, focused on a book that was lying on a mahogany table half way across the room. In his mind’s eye he imagined a cloud of air forming beneath the book, pushing it off the ground. Seconds later, the old book tentatively floated across the room, landing gently on Aleister’s lap. He sighed quietly, feeling drained of energy, and opened the book to read.
“How did you just do that!?” Mara was starring right at him, eyes wide with amazement.
“What are you talking about, I didn’t do anything,” Aleister lied.
“That book,” Mara said with enthusiasm, “for a second it was hovering right above your lap, I swear--”
“Mara,” Aleister said, cutting her off, “you haven’t gotten much sleep since you got back from school. There was no book hovering anywhere, I was just sitting here reading.”
Mara looked taken aback, and glanced at Paul, who seemed surprised. After a few minutes, Aleister arose from his leather seat and said, “I am going to make dinner,” before disappearing down the hall into the kitchen.
Mara asked in a low whisper, “Did you see that too, or was I hallucinating?”
“Of course I did, it was incredible. I didn’t even know that was possible,”
“How do you think he did it?”
“I have no idea. We should try and catch him again when he doesn’t know were looking,” Paul said.
I am not easily offended, and would appreiciate hardcore advice, be candid and tell me what you think. (if you thinks its crap, tell me its crap, so I can fix it :)
Here it goes first page or so:
A handsome fire crackled in the living room, casting shadows across the wood-paneled walls. Two fourteen-year-old twins, one a boy and the other a girl sat lazily on the sofa. Both teenagers were tall and slender, and had dark brown hair. They sat in silence, their faces crestfallen, starring contemplatively into the warm fire.
After a short while, a man strolled into the room and sat beside the twins. His eyes were like windows into a cloudless night sky, and his features were soft and wrinkled. He looked about fifty (although he was much older), and wore silver spectacles atop his nose. The man cleared his throat, and the twins were immediately shaken from their trance.
“I have been wanting to tell you something,” The man said, “You see, I feel it would be best if you did not return to boarding school after Christmas break.” A smile crept across the twin’s faces, and they sighed in relief.
Paul began, “Thanks Aleister, we feel the same. I was hesitant to talk to you about it--afraid you would think we didn’t appreciate--,”
“Nonsense, I know you appreciate my effort. I am just sorry this school was so awful,” Aleister said.
All of a sudden, Paul and Mara felt warmer and more comfortable, with the news that they would not be returning to the atrocious school. Paul stood up and poked the fire with an iron rod.
“Are we going to stay here?” Mara asked.
“I’m afraid so,” Aleister said, smiling warmly.
“But, I thought you were always on the run, traveling for your job?” Paul Inquired.
“My circumstances have changed – I have decided to live in this cottage for a time,”
The twins seemed satisfied by this answer, and returned to gazing in the fire. They didn’t notice their grandfather turn pale and shift nervously in his ancient leather chair.
Aleister glanced at the two teenagers, convinced they were daydreaming by their blank stares. Nervously Aleister, focused on a book that was lying on a mahogany table half way across the room. In his mind’s eye he imagined a cloud of air forming beneath the book, pushing it off the ground. Seconds later, the old book tentatively floated across the room, landing gently on Aleister’s lap. He sighed quietly, feeling drained of energy, and opened the book to read.
“How did you just do that!?” Mara was starring right at him, eyes wide with amazement.
“What are you talking about, I didn’t do anything,” Aleister lied.
“That book,” Mara said with enthusiasm, “for a second it was hovering right above your lap, I swear--”
“Mara,” Aleister said, cutting her off, “you haven’t gotten much sleep since you got back from school. There was no book hovering anywhere, I was just sitting here reading.”
Mara looked taken aback, and glanced at Paul, who seemed surprised. After a few minutes, Aleister arose from his leather seat and said, “I am going to make dinner,” before disappearing down the hall into the kitchen.
Mara asked in a low whisper, “Did you see that too, or was I hallucinating?”
“Of course I did, it was incredible. I didn’t even know that was possible,”
“How do you think he did it?”
“I have no idea. We should try and catch him again when he doesn’t know were looking,” Paul said.