Help by way of critique

[ssparks120]

Hi all. I'm a very new writer. I have written two stories I'd love to have critiques for. I hope to read a lot and offer my critiques as well. I have posted my stories in the story section, and the links are below.

Thanks so much :)

Steve

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1404p0.html

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1405p0.html

[Expendable]

I read The Life Expectancy of Chocolate. (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1405p0.html) It's a good story, it's clear you know what you're talking about.


"What are you waiting for, Private." Private is not a proper noun by itself, so there's no need to capitalize it in this case. Also, the sergeant is asking a question - so where's the question mark after private?

A man bearing a sergeant's insignia stood behind the truck glaring at Steele. This line can be trimmed.
A sergeant stood behind the truck glaring at Steele.


There in the crowd of soldiers, a lit cigarette dangling from his bottom lip, stood Specialist Coleman. He dropped his head, but still managed to look up at his squad leader Great description! Absolutely brilliant.

Others will chime in soon. I'm going to make one more point - this really isn't either a fantasy story or a science fiction story. We can give you some advice but if you haven't already you might want to also try sites that do more modern stories, especially military fiction.