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Randor
April 3rd, 2006, 11:14 PM
My Prologue is up in the COMMUNITY under STORIES/POEMS. I invite you to take a look and leave some comments/feedback (positive or negative..whatever you feel it needs), etc, etc. Please enjoy.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1426p0.html

JWREmmett
April 4th, 2006, 12:59 AM
this post was miserable so I'm killing it................................

Randor
April 4th, 2006, 01:36 AM
meaning?:confused:

JWREmmett
April 4th, 2006, 02:18 AM
The better fairy stories deal largely with simple or fundamental things, untouched by fantasy, but these simplicities are made all the more luminous by their setting.

- Tolkien

Blue Tide
April 4th, 2006, 11:02 AM
..for someone just to bash, rather than to provide meaningful feedback. Especially on an anonymous public forum like this.

If it isn't useful advice, then ignore it.

I like the way you describe the wizard. It was pretty easy to follow what was going on - I didn't have to stop and re-read to understand who was saying what. It readily created the scene in my imagination.

A few mechanical things:

Nix the 'had' in the first sentence. Should be 'drew' or 'had drawn'. 'had drawn' is passive voice, which a bit weaker.

If the speaker changes during dialog, then start a new paragraph. There were a few places that I saw that.

When include words & phrases in another language, like Elvin, consider immediately following it with the translation from the point of view of the person speaking. Otherwise it just looks like gibberish that breaks the flow. For example:



The elf casually reached down and grasped her backside.
"Giesh mae nokh fiaduth, lakharum,” she said. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.

- vs -


The elf casually reached down and grasped her backside.
"Giesh mae nokh fiaduth, lakharum!" Don't touch me again, elf! Just because he was an elf, didn't mean he could have his way with her. His eyebrows shot up in surprise.


If, however, the other language doesn't play a large part in the story or doesn't advance the plot, consider leaving it out all together.

A very common thing for those of us who are just starting out to do, is to make things over-wordy. Often, we think that writing with a tone that is reminiscent of Jane Austen or even old English it somehow imbues our writing with a classic literary quality. However, I've only seen this done well a few times. Mostly, it detracts from the story.

The descriptions of your main characters, what they did and what they said: The wizard smoked a pipe and had a long pointy nose. The main character stood while the never-ending breeze ruffled his cape. They fit the stereo type for those kind of characters - wizards, heroes - so well, that it almost becomes a parody. Which is fine, if it is intended to be a parody, but you would need to make it obvious it's supposed to be parody. Otherwise, the reader thinks "Nothing new here, move along." If it's not supposed to be a parody, then stay away from clichés.

You haven't quite justified why the reader should care. What they see is a hero, who is tired of having to win battles and beat off the bad guys, do so yet again. That combined with what I said in the previous paragraph, would probably lose most readers.

To get the reader engaged, they have to have to identify with, and have sympathy for, the main character. Most people want to identify with a hero, as long as they are not perfect, so I don't think your main problem is there - give him some faults – make him more human. (I know he is an elf, but we see and understand everything in human terms.)

For sympathy, the reader has to feel sorry for the character. (not that they are a sorry character.) Usually this is done by placing them in jeopardy, hardship and/or making them the underdog. What can you do to put the far-from-perfect hero into a tough situation - nigh un-winnable, that isn't his fault, against forces he has no chance of beating, where failure is not an option? That is much more interesting than the hero who is bored of winning.

Above all, learn from your mistakes, provide useful critiques for other people (you learn a lot from critiquing - not bashing - other people) and keep writing!! Write every day!

I hope this has helped.

Rob B
April 4th, 2006, 11:42 AM
OK folks, settle down. There is no use providing potshot feedback that only ridicules. If you have negative feedback at least support your feedback with some examples.

Randor
April 4th, 2006, 12:00 PM
*Listens to The Ballad of John and Yoko*

Thanks for your critique, Tide. :)

and trust me I dont follow the sterotypes to a "t". Randor doesnt have a wand or pointy hat, or beard....or a pointy nose either :P . You shall see more in the chapters of the book...have some things that are different....seems some people out there dont like my changes to the stereotypes...others do..... :)

*continues to listen to The Ballad of John and Yoko*

:)

Randor
April 4th, 2006, 12:31 PM
"The better fairy stories deal largely with simple or fundamental things, untouched by fantasy, but these simplicities are made all the more luminous by their setting."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Tolkien is the greatest. :D :D

Randor
April 4th, 2006, 12:36 PM
You gotta make your own kind of music
Sing your own special song
Make your own kind music
Even if nobody else sings along

--Mama Cass Elliot

;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)

JWREmmett
April 4th, 2006, 02:45 PM
Who's bashing? I was referring to my post as miserable... so I chose to edit and remove it.