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View Full Version : First novel prolog,part 2, Critiques please.


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MrJims
April 25th, 2006, 11:11 AM
The sisters missed the short conversation between Pudge and the vendor, the large man drained his glass and stood up. Pudge Gray stood more than six and a half feet tall, towering over the merchant and almost over the booth as well, his great belly swayed and from his belt hung a dirty yellow stuffed animal that looked like a duck.”Best be talkin to those lads.” Pudge said as he began to walk away from the booth. The vendor called out as he realized the giant was heading away from the market.
“Ain’t the lads in the square?” the vendor said causing Pudge to look back over his shoulder.
“I think I’ll catch’em somewhere neutral, seems to me that they own that square” with that he disappeared around the corner of the booth.
The mirror’s eye drifted over the confused vendor and into the marketplace, a group of street urchins was chasing one of their fellows through the crowd as it bustled by. Two young boys stood at the edge of the square and watched the lop sided fight with deep interest.
“Cinyu” said Kaya
“No man’s child” replied Kassandra.
“Champion of the unseen” intoned Kalinda.
Cinyu’s face was a study in angles, prominent cheekbones contrasted with a sharp nose that slightly bent at the tip. His eyes were sunken into his head which gave off a mysterious countenance, and the hooded eyelids reinforced the mystery within. The boy beside Cinyu shifted his weight from foot to foot. “Almost there” he murmured to himself. Cinyu nudged him with his elbow.
“Easy Sean,” he spoke out of the side of his mouth. “You’ll draw attention. It’s all but over anyway, let’s go home and see what we’ve collected.”
Cinyu nodded his satisfaction at the square and turned toward the alley just behind them. Suddenly he spun back around with startling speed and squinted right into the mirror’s eye. The sister’s all jerked back from the mirror, sloshing tea and sending a few drops onto the pillows. “He’s seen us!” exclaimed Kaya.
“Nonsense” huffed Kassandra as she threw stained pillows to the outside of the pile.”He saw something in the market as he was turning to leave.” Only Kalinda continued to watch as her sisters readjusted themselves.
“Honey please” she requested vacantly in her childlike voice while lifting her cup in the direction of her frazzled sisters.
“Mercy!” cried Kassandra, “no wonder I’m so jumpy, I forgot the honey. Pass the jar please
Kaya.”
Kaya stretched out from her position on the pillows to grab the jar of honey which she passed to the old women. Using the small spoon inside, Kassandra went about putting one scoop of honey in the other cups and two in her own. As she stirred her cup, her attention returned to the mirror. “You’re both missing quite the debate.” said Kalinda without turning her head. In the mirror Cinyu and Sean were in a dark alley. Sean was talking animatedly to a very angry looking Pudge.
“.... the Head loves ya too much to see ya outa work.” finished Sean in a voice much like Pudge’s. Eyes bulging from their sockets, Pudge deftly removed the stuffed duck from his belt and shook it menacingly at the boys.
“OUT!” Pudge growled, “get out before I decide those slippery tongues would be better off in my pocket.”
The two boys rushed back down the alley they had come with the mirror’s eye in pursuit. Emerging back into the market square, both boys unconsciously scanned for threats, then headed south out of the square. Sticking to the side of the street, Cinyu and Sean wove through the heavy traffic waving or nodding to various people.
“I thought we were goners for sure.” Sean said with feeling. “Did you see the Pudge’s face? If he were any more pissed, I think his head would blew up.” Cinyu laughed boyishly at the thought.
“I know, I thought his eyes were going to plop right outa his head.” Both boys laughed as they maneuvered around a large table full of vegetables. The vendor eyed them with suspicion until they were
well on their way. Looming in front of them was the interior wall and about that the soaring spires of the palace.
“Nobility, bah!” Sean cursed and spitted in the direction of the great structure.”Even their buildings oppress us, running around in their fancy wears, stepping on the little people.”
“Poetic Sean, except that we just robbed a man, outwitted the Pudge, and are walking freely on a sunny day. I’d say things aren’t that bad.” Returned Cinyu, who was staring up at the palace. They walked a bit before Cinyu waved up at one of the spires and gave a jerk.
“Whoa, someone in the green tower waved back at me.”
“It must be Seti’s day, let’s go home and count our treasure.” Sean said dismissively. Cinyu shrugged and followed Sean, the mirror did not.
Instead, the eye floated up over the interior wall, over the rich homes and up to the top window of the green tower. The window framed a middle-aged man, wide shoulders tapered down to narrow trim waist showing the man to be fit if not young. The man’s face was clean shaven with an unruly mop of black hair atop his head. His jaw was square leading up to a stern mouth and full cheeks, the brow would have looked savage was it not for the powerful nose that put his face in balance.
“King Aaron the third” said Kaya.
“The dreaming prince” replied Kassandra.
“The bleeding Shepard” intoned Kalinda.
The king turned from the window and moved inside with the eye in tow, three men occupied the
room other than the king. All were seated in functional chairs in front of a large desk, and all watched the king.
“Am I not king?” asked the king, “Am I not law?”
“You are king of the people sire, law of the people, of the people” replied the dark-skinned man in a tired voice from the left seat. The king moved to his chair on the opposite side of the desk, his white robe trailing slightly behind him.
“Philosophy is idea Keeto, our country is not” the king sat and looked at the man in the center of the trio. “Joshua?” Joshua shrugged his muscular shoulders and smiled causing the skin to move of the many dents and scars on his stubbled head.
“Kabala” he said softly.
“Kabala” the king chewed the word and from the look on his face found it sour. He looked at the final man, “and what idea will you spout General Cintin?” The last man was small, but wiry looking, short cropped white hair rested above an old and weathered face.
“I spout nothing my king, you are the king, and I am the king’s sword. You need only point and I will slice.” Cintin then looked at the other two men and lashed a toothy smile, both men studiously ignored him. The king rested both elbows on his desk between stacks of paper and dropped his head into upturned hands. Rubbing his eyes with his palms, he looked across the desk.
“This is your council! Be either the servant or the tyrant. I won’t have it. This land will be united damn it. We cannot be lax on this!” He slammed his hand down on the desk causing a stack of papers to
topple to the floor.”I WILL NOT BE LAX ON THIS!” the last coming out as a yell. No one moved, finally Keeto coughed and spoke up.
“You have shown the people great peace for over a decade your grace, now you wish to show them war. More over, you would deny them the truth as too . . . ” Keeto went silent as the king shot out of his chair and leaned over the desk to bring his face close to Keeto’s.
“I deny them truth? I show them war? I did not steal this country. I did not keep this dirty secret for more than three centuries about our origins. At eighteen I was given the crown and the truth, the crown I fought for six years to keep, the truth will out last us all.” The king slumped back into his chair and surveyed the men. “I’ve had enough for today. You may leave.”
The men began to rise from their chairs, a distant ringing sound began to emanate from the mirror but the men did not seem to hear it. The sisters all leaned forward with rapt attention as the view turned to face the wall and then moved through it. Open skies were revealed as the eye traveled over the main section of the palace and toward the black spire. The black wall grew to encompass the mirror until the eve move through it and into the tower. A hallway was briefly seen and then the eye traveled through another wall and into an average sized room. An ancient, bearded man stood in the center of the room and the eye moved toward him, resting in his outstretched hand. The man peered directly into the eye, his face appearing unnaturally large in the mirror. A multitude of wrinkles crinkled across the face along with pock marks and divots. The man’s pointy nose took up most of the mirror as he sniffed the eye, nostrils flaring.
“Blah!” cried Kaya, “that’s disgusting.” The huge nose pulled back and the time worn face was watching them again.
“I sense your power, but you are not welcome here.” With that he crushed the eye in his fist and the mirror was cloudy once again.
“What a rude old man.” Kaya huffed as she lifted herself from the pillows. “I’ll show him not welcome, but Oh, it does look exciting doesn’t it? The young women giggled and twirled in a circle. “I must go there, I’m almost bursting with energy.” She finished another twirl and began dancing to the far door humming a lively little tune. Kassandra watched her dance out of the room, moving deeper into the sister’s home and then looked at Kalinda.
“Will it really be the greatest dance?”
Kalinda smiled a sad smile and shrugged, “Whose to say, but I think it will be a dance such as none have seen the like.” The old women’s eyes widened in alarm.
“And what sort of dance will it be Kalinda?”
“Like all great dances my sister, it will be a dance of death.” Kassandra sighed and looked up at the fresco, men were fighting men, and in other place huge beasts. She shook her head.
“Who would start such a thing?” she asked, more to her self than her youngest sister. The old women then stood up and hobbled her way to the far door. When she disappeared, Kalinda got up and started placing the cups and the honey jar on the tray.
“Gilad play the tune of course, and you should know sweet sister.” She whispered after
Kassandra, “and this time, everybody dances.” Once everything was on the tray, Kalinda, sister of time, goddess of the future, made her way to the kitchen.