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monopoly91
May 4th, 2006, 09:38 AM
i wrote a story and i hope it will be like HARRY POTTER, when my family read the story they gave me a push that it will be published, anyway i'd like everyone here to read it and give me his opinion, and for attention im not english not american so please tell me if my story strong or weak honestly
that's my mail
monopoly91@hotmail.com
that's the first pages of the story

am I playing a game ,what is the life, that thoughts was racing inside my mind, Our mission in that life to discover our fate list and I begin thinking that the life isn’t a gift, it’s harder than that? We just have to face it as possibly as we can, and whatever it takes I’ll walk along my path, along my fate.


I’m seventeen years old, and I can’t wait for joining the university because of course when I was a child my dream was to become a director so I can make great movies and I think it’s the easiest way to reflect your personality. After joining the school I wondered why I should study biology, chemistry and math as I’m not interested in them, I had never got a full marks in these subjects and my mother was shouting, she always wants me to become the first at my class and I’ve done my best with no luck. Maybe you have the same thing, maybe you have wondered why we have to study something we never liked, why we have to get full marks, all of you knew that intelligence exists in everyone but we just have to use it in the best way.
I just believe that what ever I’d asked myself a strange questions like that it won’t have answers, so I have to stop asking myself and continuing my path.
I switched the car and went to school, the sun was shining and the birds were flying. The scene in the spring will let you forget all your responsibilities and start looking at the nature, after three minutes or more I arrived and went straight to my class.
The lesson about math and as you knows I’ve never been interested in such subjects like that so I wasn’t concerned at all. But even I liked it or not I must study it to get a high score and join directing in a Hollywood university, in our fate list there have been written math.
When the bell rang I got out and Alice was walking beside me she said gently “hi how are you?” I answered with less-concerned “fine…how the exams are?”
“well I don’t know how I did but I hope I will get full marks you know it’s just about history I haven’t done well, it was hard for a little bit so what about you?”
She is the most intelligence girl in the school and also she is the nicest one “I hope I will get a marks like you” I want to change the serious way she was talking.
She laughed and laughed with no stopping, I thought for a while she’s sick, but no she was laughing from the deep of her heart and I didn’t think I was funny at all everybody thinks that I’m serious but in fact – I hope I will get marks like you – aren’t a funny sentence for being non-stop laughing.
“Alice I wondered why we have to laugh?”
Suddenly she stopped laughing and her cheeks turned red as though she became shy “well I think to take off the stress we are in or to be free for a second”
She was thinking exactly like me “you are right if we haven’t any problems we don’t have to laugh because at that moment laughing becomes less-important than before and of course we all were born to cry and laugh both of them are in our fate list”
She was amazed for what I said and then I went to car going home.

***

Tomorrow my first final exam and I’ll do my best to reach the limit as everybody know that its too hard to climb a mountains from water not stones, life is a sky far away from us but we can reach it by a strong desire.
I was studying without a break or even to take a breath, it was just like a test for my passion, and I won’t pass out. Three hours long and I wasn’t thinking of anything only concentrating at the subject, the papers and even in a very little paragraph. I wasn’t able to know that the force of purpose will let me do that, and without asking myself any questions which is unusual I went to school doing my best to reach the high limit.
Now three days passed and it was like three years, stress and no relaxation was my weapon to get the easiest way to reflect my ideas.
There was no time for thinking why I’m studying at a very moment, was that for getting my ambition? Why I’ve got an ambition? Maybe for having emotions but nobody could judge at that for now.
Without controlling my self I went to bed and I slept for nearly six hours. I just realize that we can climb mountains from water not stones if we are clouds. After seven or eight days I’d finished the final exams not that only but also the school itself would say bye…bye forever to me because I’m not a student at it anymore.
Alice was walking and when I looked at her my heart was beating for a while I thought I’m in love with her but I can’t proof that so to explore my deepest soul I’ve got an idea, I walked in slow steps to her and said in a confidence tone: Hi Alice…how you doin’?
Her black straight hair and long white legs and of course her amazing body could make you getting crazy.
“Can you go out with me?”
She was shocked by this and then she said firmly “m-mm sorry for that silly question but for what? I mean to go out with you?”
“To find something”
She said curiously “and it is …”
“Loving you, to find if I fell in love with you” when you see her you will guess that she doesn’t understand anything, she’s just amazed from the whole thing. I know it was a hard step for asking her to have a date with me, and I also believe that you will think the story is weak, and you will tell yourself – he didn’t meet her to love her – but to be honest with you, maybe I love her because I’m a teenager or maybe to get rid of the bad news I heard before one year or less.
“Ok… you should find that or you will live your life comparing me with other girls”.


I wore a smoky suit and switched my car and finally arrived, along the way I’ve got a lot of questions and above of them all I didn’t know if that is a true love or actually it’s not a love at all.
When I knocked the door she opened it, at that moment I believe that she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, but beauty is not everything and love is not the main thing.
She was wearing a black evening dress with a shining silver necklace and her black hair was slipping at her back. I took her hand and invited her to my classic car which was Mercedes Benz.
“You are amazing” I said.
“Thanks” she continued “Where we’re going?”
“Exactly I don't know but you can decide”
And finally we decide Hilton hotel, so we can talk to each other while we are drinking a hot chocolate.
When we entered everybody was looking at us – for being a teenager – and it didn’t affect me at all, we have finished exams and we could have a date.
“You know something… you are the strangest person I’ve ever met, you are the only guy who got courage to tell me he may fall in love with me”
“Did you ask yourself why a guy loves a girl?”
“Maybe to get married”
“And why we have to get married, is that for the desire inside us or the instincts… we get married to continue our life, to share our emotions to another one, marriage is something in our path, in our fate list, if there’s no marriage we won’t be here because the fate list will be erased and so we will be nothing”
“You are right, the life is most complicated than we imagine but we have to walk the red line and so we can see what is beneath the life”
“The red line is death and beneath it there are heavens or hell.
I just got a lot of questions with no answers, how can we choose the path beneath the red line? I just wondered what is the simply questions so I can think there might be questions with answers”
The music starts and everybody was dancing and I was talking and talking and suddenly a gentleman came and ask Alice for a dance, she looked at me and I said without controlling myself “Don’t you see, she is with me” the man leaves us and ask another girl, everybody acting here like a rich people, all of them are thinking the life in their hands and they can take whatever they want, as they owned the whole life and the whole universe, finally I asked her for a dance.
Music begins; I put my hand round her waist and start dancing.
“So did you ask yourself why we’re dancing” she asked me.
“It’s a routine”
The music is getting louder, I could hear her heart argument, she was talking to herself in whisper, and the music is getting louder and louder.
She said with confused tone “did you find out?”
Now the music is the loudest thing here as though it could break the glasses “yes”
She said curiously “and …”
“I found that I need a person to talk with”
She said but I couldn’t hear her for the music is getting louder and louder than before “which means?”
I paused for a while and said “I’m not in love with you”
Suddenly the music stopped.

***
I knew after the date that I was the only guy who got courage to tell her that he is not in love with her; I think to love a girl you have to let her be loved of you.
And now I think I need relaxation.
After three days I’ve got a flight to France at Bristol hotel. I was waiting it because I need it and I knew that I have to stop wondering about the game of the life.
And suddenly I was thinking about the plane I know it’s not that important thing to lose my time thinking about it but I can’t control my heart but I can control my emotions, you think that the untouchable things are the most important things in our life just like love, happiness, may be sadness and the other feelings like that but you had forgotten the thing which control them, the thing which is touchable it’s you, your body and above all of that your character which is untouchable, you just have to believe that you can’t compare them.
I thought if I were the one who invented the plane, what I’ll do if I know they use it at war, they use it for killing people, I just think that we don’t need another generation which is possibly could killing us in a part of second or maybe less than that, inventing and generation is not an important thing and we don’t need them in our life, they are useful.
I’ve got only three minutes to reach the airport; I was driving like a crazy getting there and there trying not to lose my ticket.
‘Boom’ everything is black and I can’t see anything nor hear anything.
The doctor was walking straightly and then he said gently “how you feeling?”
“Fine”
“You were driving very fast”
“Trying not to lose my ticket but it has been lost… (I know inside myself that in my fate it has to be lost and that’s it) … well why they are doctors all over the world?”
He was amazed by that question “to cure everybody… trying to get their life’s back as hard as we can”
“What if we don’t need to be cured … if they didn’t bring me to this hospital, I would probably die and that is better?”
“Why you are dispirited?”
“I’m not, I just think that there’s a lot of things in the life we don’t need it, I’m just wondering about the other people jobs, I believe that we don’t need all of you because whatever you did you won’t change the fate… that is the game of the life, the whole mankind trying to challenge it but they can’t because the end has been already written”
Exactly the end has been already written, and for me I won’t challenge the game, I know the strategy and I know it is unchallenged game.
“Doctor, when I will get out?”
“Today”
“How long I was there?”
“About three days”
Three days without any questions that is fantastic, I’ve been relaxed for three days.
The doctor said “may I invite you to my house for few days”
I said yes without knowing why.

***

Boll Weevil
May 4th, 2006, 01:28 PM
As English is not your first language it's a very good effort. It's probably better read in your own language and then translated by a professional into English. More specifically there are places where the grammar and tenses are not correct. This makes it hard for fools like me that can only write in one language, to give a reasoned and reasonable critique of the text.

Also there are a lot of requests for critiques on the site; consequently it takes time for somebody to get around to doing one. There are professional authors on here, who sometimes, if you're lucky offer words of wisdom. So be patient and keep going is my suggestion.

monopoly91
May 4th, 2006, 01:47 PM
thanks a lot
so you think i have to keep going or to stop writing the story?
i don't know my cousin whose profissional in english told me that it's weak, i don't know what to do, i think if i write it in my language it won't be published or even translated to english ........anyway thanks for your advise and i hope someone will help me here, i don't know i use to be good in english, i read a lot of stories like HARRY POTTER, MEMOIRS OF GEISHA, THE ALCHEMIST & THE DA VINCI CODE but i think i'm still weak in this language, maybe i'm good in speaking but not writing :(

Boll Weevil
May 4th, 2006, 04:03 PM
Hey don't give up. I don't know what your native langauge is, if it's a big market it's probably worth doing it in your own language. I think the key is practise and keep practising.

I can barely read French and couldn't even dream of writing anything like the above in another language.

TheEarCollector
May 4th, 2006, 11:25 PM
Let's put it this way... Yes, you have some grammar problems (tense shifts are a big one in this piece) BUT that doesn't change your actual story.
We understand what you are trying to say, and that is the biggest part of the story. If you were to continue your story and then have a native english speaker just go over it, they would be able to clear up most of the problems.

Story is story, and personally this is a bit slow for my taste but that does not mean that it isn't a story that someone else wouldn't like (or maybe it just hasn't picked up yet). Keep telling your story and don't worry so much about the english (or maybe you might want to write it in your own language...) and then clear up the language details when everything is down.

It's like filming a movie and then dubbing it. We understand the story by seeing the general idea of what is going on, it's just the translation that may not be 100%, but that doesn't mean there aren't some great foreign films.

choppy
May 5th, 2006, 07:50 PM
thanks a lot
so you think i have to keep going or to stop writing the story?(

Absolutely keep going Monopoly91.

The best way to improve yourself as a writer is to keep writing. I would suggest that you don't worry about publication right now. Write a complete draft first. Then refine it. Focus on learning the craft. Ask for critiques (as you have done) and everything you learn will improve your skill.

Here are some thoughts on your opening paragraph:
am I playing a game ,what is the life, that thoughts was racing inside my mind, Our mission in that life to discover our fate list and I begin thinking that the life isn’t a gift, it’s harder than that? We just have to face it as possibly as we can, and whatever it takes I’ll walk along my path, along my fate.

(1) Start by capitalising the first word of each sentence. And end each sentence with proper punctuation.
Am I playing a game?

(2) Watch your use of "the." In English, it's used in front of nouns when you want to refer to something specific and singular. When you say: what is the life, I suspect you want to say:
What is life? Here, "life" can refer to anyone's life. "The life" would refer to something like the life of a cat, or the life of my father.

(3) A comma does not end a sentence. Rather, it inserts a pause. You don't need to place a capitalised word after one.

Here is how I would re-write your opening paragraph. Keep in mind that I'm not competely sure on your meaning in some places.

Am I playing a game? What is life? Those thoughts were racing inside my mind. Our mission in life is to discover our fate. I begin thinking that life isn’t a gift. It’s harder than that. We just have to face it as passively as we can. Whatever it takes I’ll walk along my path, along my fate.

This can still use some editing for meainging. I substituted the word "passively" for "possibly" because possibly didn't make sense. I might argue that inside of a paragraph you should focus on a single idea. Here the focus is on life and fate, but you jump from specific (I) to general (we) and back, which jars the coherence in the paragraph.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

monopoly91
May 6th, 2006, 08:25 AM
thanks to everyone, all of you helped me,
anyway i told my english teacher about the story and he told me that i have to keep writing as everyone said, and he also told me that grammer can be checked by a lot of teachers so never mind, i'm happy now coz i'll continue the story and focus in it