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Megris Vernin
May 15th, 2006, 01:29 PM
Lets start by saying I'll take any and all criticism. Feel free to take my work apart and attack it, saying the characters are horrible and the plot sucks and all that stuff. Just be sure to tell me how it could be better.

I am looking to expand this 16 page work into an epic length novel set against a back drop of interstellar war and conflict. The seemingly unstoppable Unity begins to absorb entire worlds by giving them immortality and fulfillment, at the price of their free will. Can humanity and its Galactic Allies stop this threat, or will the entire galaxy become part of the Unity.


Hereford Eye
May 15th, 2006, 02:26 PM
This is harsh. But, it is what you solicited.

In space, all is silent. Since the first definition of silent is “making no vocal sound; not speaking; speechless;; and the first definitions of ‘quiet’ are (1) mute still; calm; motionless, and (2) not noisy; hushed; I recommend you go with quiet. Planets do not speak in the traditional sense that silent suggests.

Neither the destruction of planets nor the death of a million lives so much as creates a ripple in the void. The death of a million lives is somewhat of a tautology I recommend you shorten the phrase to “a million deaths.”

It even creeps into the hearts of those who dare cross this chasm. This is a reflexive problem, “It” by context, refers back to silence but there is no noun to refer to back to; there is only an adjective. Adjectives cannot creep anywhere. Recommend you state the obvious for dramatic effect: “such a silence creeps….”

Their hearts freeze and their minds become lost in the shadows. Do minds survive frozen hearts? Which shadows are you talking about? At this point, you have not yet brought light sources into the conversation.

The stars give life to the universe, but here in this vacuum there is only nothingness. Gee, isn’t there nothing but vacuum between Sol and Earth save for Mercury and Venus? How do the stars give life to the universe if their energy cannot traverse the vacuum?

Without the warm light, life withers and dies. So that’s why there is no life on the dark side of the moon. Oh, wait a minute, what happens at night on Earth? Come to think of it, is there life on Mercurity, Venus, and Mars; they all get warm light?

Those who enter this chasm of silence and nothingness often lose themselves, leaving behind the very thing that gives them life.
“The very thing that gave them life” would be? By context, you seem to be referring to the warm light of the stars but we know that did not give these travelers their life so what, exactly, is it that they lose? Losing oneself is a way of saying losing one’s mind, correct? Are you making a new philosophical point that mind and self are co-equal; lose one and you lose the other? If so, then the sentence goes on to claim that the mind gives life as that was what was lost and is now identified as ‘the very thing that gives them life” Very profound if disjointed.

_So the first paragraph has three distinct topics. Most English teachers will say that one topic is enough for any paragraph. Recommend the first paragraph deal with the silence of space; the second paragraph deal with effect of that silence on human beings; and the third to talk about the life-giving properties of stars.

And every paragraph on this first page shares the same problems as the first paragraph._

Sorry that there is so much that is negative. This is just how I see it; perhaps others will be find more to praise.