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March 6th, 2006, 03:46 PM
Hi, this work has changed so much over the last few weeks with me researching and writing and people giving me their opinions. Finally i think i have what i want.
Its quite a bit different than what i started with and i'm well pleased with how its started to come out. The link is below. Take a look and let me know what you think.


Thanks for stopping in. Chris.

March 6th, 2006, 04:29 PM
Wow. That's good.

It's very fast paced. Left my head spinning. :D

Just an idea or two.

Could you make it more obvious about which race people are? Huco is a dwarf and Latch is an.... elf? what about Cunor? Kai?

I really liked your characters, Latch especially, he seemed very real. Perhaps you could tighten up his reminiscing? Which fire? When? Why?

But i had a problem with splotches of soot. Why splotches? It just seemed to stick out. How about patches? smearings? :D

I loved the imagery of the Davin's hand slipping through. Gross. But who are they? Sorcerers. I got the impression they were young. But why are they running?

I have to say it has left me wanting to read more, basically it just needs tightening and editting. Don't they all!

March 6th, 2006, 04:49 PM
Thanks for the info.
Patches does sound better cel. Smearings? - its soot not something else man.:D
Its a prologue and like yours i'm trying to leave people wondering. So not to sound like gimli "i didn't fall off the horse, it was deliberate" but i'm trying to have you guess about people, so that i can either make you right or throw you off later. Its something i've always hated about writers who's prologue's don't do it. You have to get interested very quick, or most will leave it.
Sorry to leave you hanging cel. Specially since i keep saying "give me more, bwahahaha" (okay that was an oddly placed laugh.) But i've got a film night planned with my brother.
I've been running chapter one in my head for 2 days now. So i'll commit it to page either later or tomorrow and chuck it your way.
Glad you enjoyed it.

Background (cause you gave me some): They are sorcerers, they've been studying for years and i tried to make you see what was going on (why they were running) by the fact that the girl was in a magically sealed room and Kimrik (i liked this name - i come up with a good name and i kill off the character - where's my head at?) Anyway, Kimrik tried to shoot the girl (Auline). I'm trying to give away something about here. But the mystery is everything.
Plus i figured out this way to speed things up and fit things in. E.G. i had latch's part in the monastery cell but didn't want to slip in my writing after the first bit with Sira and Davin so i killed time and slipped back to Latch but only for a minute. I think it works.
(Man do i suck, i create a main character right at the start and then i kill her. Crap it sucks to be one of my characters.)

P.S. i'm glad that bit with the wound worked so well, i just came to me but i think it does great - s**t i know i'd break down if that sitch happened to me.
I give you more insight with the next chapter (tomorrow or later tonight).

GTG. Bye.

March 6th, 2006, 05:23 PM
Yeah smearings wasn't good. :D

The hinting is certainly good. I went back and re-read and picked them up more. Perhaps i was drawn along by the pace the first time? If you slowed it down it might work better. You don't have to take any notice of what i'm saying though.

Love the characters names Sira and Kimrik, (do they have to die??!!!) although i found i got confused between Auline and Aminee.

Very good. Have a good time


March 6th, 2006, 05:31 PM
Hey, I'm Celbriän's sister so hope these comments are helpful..

your story is really very good :) I just have a couple of suggestions

1) Vary the pace... so far all of the story is very quick, just slow down some of the passages, it might help me keep my head around what's going on.

2) Would it be at all possible to introduce the caharcters more slowly- or give as definite ideas about the differences bewteen the chacters-possible specific chacateristics about them. Something quick and simple to remember them by??

3) Ok this is only a suggestion and you dn't have to take it but how about changing "The girl nodded again" to Aaain the girl nodded It might just change the form of the story varying the ideas slightly.

Sorry if this isn't particularly helpful, i think its a great story and doesn't need too many adjustments to it... but it is very very fast! :D


March 6th, 2006, 06:48 PM
Thanks for the reply's.
I'd love it if you'd keep reading (as i am with Celbriän's - its just too damn original in its tack, i need more, Bwahahaha...okay i've gotta work on that laugh). Glad you're enjoying the story.
First don't worry about the pace so far or the characters. You're meant not to get all the answers and be fired through it quickly. Ever tried running from something scary, the world goes a mile a minute...(8 years old...big dog...you get the picture.)
Wait till the first chapter and see if it improves for you.
Thanks alot for the interest guys.
P.S. sorry the characters kinda have to die cel. It makes an impact on Davin later and Kimrik is actually a bad guy - you'll see in the next chapter

March 6th, 2006, 09:55 PM
It's an interesting begining, very fast paced. Too fast. In the rush to get into the action, I'm a little lost trying to figure out what's going on.

First there's a bunch traveling to meet some monks for a job of some sort. Then we jump in with Sira running into Davin with vague warnings. It's not very long before the two of them and a new girl named Aminee are caught in a fire trap of some sort and having to make their escape from powerful wizards - but we don't know why. Or why this starts at a school for training young mages?

Why not start this story earlier, where Sira first becomes aware something's going on? Like around the monistary theft. Then explain how the others became suspicious of Sira and her friends.

It's not necessary that we have all the details, just enough to get us on the hook.

Hereford Eye
March 7th, 2006, 10:20 AM
Me in full crit mode:
I yield to DS or KatG for elucidation of the point, but there are many, many grammatical errors throughout as you will see below. But what always fascinates me is the logic of things. For example, I first wonder why you call it a Prologue. A prologue is presumed to be “a preliminary act or course of action foreshadowing greater events” yet these four pages seem to be the start of the story. There is no foreshadowing, just putting the players in place and watching things go bang.
Next, line by line:

SUMMARY: Six men, mercenaries, each one hiding from a past they wish to forget. Three sorcerers, escaping their home with the magical legions on their heels. A prophecy that could release the Shade hordes into our world. Things are about to go pear-shaped.

The devil, they always say, is in the details. Six men is the announcement but the reality in the opening sequence is six mercenaries, one dwarf, one, maybe two elves, but just five names produced. Huco is a dwarf; Eral is an elf and Latch may be one since he is referred to as ‘elf ears.’ Kai is something undeclared but lots of folk could be unfamiliar “with the form of his people” And we don’t know what Cunor is. So, technically, I’d recommend the summary begin by deleting “Six men” and opening with “five mercenaries,” which is accurate enough for the opening sequence. Or, let us have the sixth name.

Latch remembered the fire. It seemed to hover just beyond thought, and always came back to him when he closed his eyes. It was a malevolent, unnatural fire, which probably meant that the burns it left were still present on the field after all these years.

I want to see a different descriptor than ‘burns.’ Burns is an active kind of thing, still aching today. Maybe that’s the point you’re trying to make but the way it reads I’d expect ‘ashes’ or ‘scars’ or ‘desolation.’

He remembered the field<,> then. How it looked before...just before it happened. They were at least twelve leagues from where the field's remains still stood and goodness knows why he was thinking about it. It could have been the forest on his left. They had had to cross through it, so it could have been that. But then there were reminders for eighteen leagues all the way back to Kavrick city, so why now. Why was he thinking of it now<.><?>

Twelve leagues is about 36 miles, right? Eighteen leagues is 54 miles. So, how does he know the “field’s remains still stand”? He can postulate the field’s remains still stand; he can expect or hope or believe but there’s no way he can know they still stand. It’s been at least a couple of days – and from context a lot longer – since he was there.

‘Head still hurt?'
‘What do you expect? The wall was eighteen feet high.'
‘That's not so bad.'

A fall of 18 feet means he hit the ground at about 22 mph. Ever see what happens to an automobile in a 25 mph crash? The metal gets twisted pretty good. Must have been some nice cushioning below that wall.

‘Cunor<,> you're not the one who fell off it. Or<,> more accurately<:><,> was pulled off it.' Cunor quietly chuckled to himself. ‘So, I'm still not clear on how you came up with that idea.' Latch said.
‘Hey<,> don't bring me into this<,><;> it was Eral's idea.'
Latch looked to the elf riding in front of them<.><,> <c>owl pulled up well over his head to keep his face in shadow.
‘Oh sure,' Latch replied, ‘<b>lame the quiet one.'
Under the shade of his hood<,> Eral smiled.
‘It's not like I don't appreciate the help and<,> yes, I probably would not have been able to get out in time if not for the "running dwarf tied to a rope" trick, but next time can you think it all the way through.' Latch continued.

Despite being told it was Eral’s idea, Latch is continuing to critique Cunor.

Kai slowed his horse so the two could catch up with him. ‘

Evidently, Kai is riding point. He slows his horse so the two, Latch and Cunor, catch up to him. What happened to Eral who was riding in front of Kai and Latch?

<”>We'll be there within the next half hour.' <h>e said, his hand unconsciously on his sword.

The monastery is now about a league ahead of them - a half hour's traveling time on a walking horse - so the terrain is either sloping towards the place or it’s pretty flat country. Unusual with a forest ending abruptly to the left of them. Forests tend to start at a given elevation and rise upwards. When they end abruptly, it’s generally because of geography. Otherwise, as you go down hill, they go from tall trees to scrub trees to scrub brush as a matter of what’s comfortable growing at differing elevations.
So, Kai can estimate the distance and the time required to traverse that distance. Of course, if he can see it, I’d sort of expect the rest can see it as well and their estimating skills ought to be at least as good as Kai’s. Maybe Kai just likes to state the obvious.

It rested just below his cross guard<.><,> <a>lthough his sword was not of a normal Celestran design but from one of the smaller continents, which meant the cross guard wasn't so much of a cross as a circle, with the blade curved and sharp on only one side.
Having his hand where it was would tend to offend people unfamiliar with the form of his people but the group had been together a while and they knew he meant nothing by it.

Recommend “having his hand on the hilt”

‘Thanks Kai.' Cunor said, while Latch simply inclined his head. Then<,> Kai returned to his place in the formation.

In the formation? Thought he was riding point.

Lack of space prevents further discussion. If you're interested, I'd be happy to finish and PM the crit to you.

March 7th, 2006, 11:33 AM
I'd love it if you'd keep reading (as i am with Celbriän's - its just too damn original in its tack, i need more, Bwahahaha...okay i've gotta work on that laugh). Glad you're enjoying the story.

Sure will :) I know her story is really good i wish she'd hurry up and write the rest of it for me :D

Btw, nice laugh ;)


March 7th, 2006, 11:50 AM
Now my head hurts.

Addressing points:
1) There are six, obviously its something annoying enough to the reader that i explain it further in the text. Brinus is the sixth, he leads the group. I never stated that kai was riding point. Formation:
Brinus Kai
Eral Huco
Latch Cunor -This i obviously need to highlight.

2) Sira, Davin etc. (though i'm happy you remembered the names) aren't in the monastery, nor related to the earlier theft there. Latch looks out of a monastery window, sees a building ages away, an explosion at said building and then i move to the sorcerers in said building. - Another point i should be more clear about, though i'm surprised it was one that bothered you.

3) 18 feet (measurement error) - will fix. Thanks

4) With all my writing character postulation comes through in italics. Thoughts they have. Anything not in italics is author's description. THe field is still there. Burns - good point. Time since he was their alot longer, Field is a metaphor for field of battle. A specific battle. - will look into.

5) Latch continues to mess with Cunor: "Sure blame the quiet one". Is a statement suggesting disbelief. And have you never seen nor been party to an arguement with someone even when you know it was not entirely their fault. Also i know i don't believe everything i hear right away so this (i will tighten up on) could be called an example that. Their human (so-to-speak), humans make mistakes, rash judgements, aren't always right, and its a realism point.

6) "Can you think it the whole was through..." You meaning *all of you* - will tighten this up.

7) Exact distance of leagues will be noted for later.

8) Elevation point could have been explained in much fewer words hereford eye, your gonna kill me with these.

9) Its a Kitana, it is never drawn with just one hand, one sits on the hilt and one just below the cross-guard. Its a readiness tactic (maybe i should just say cross-guard rather than explaining the sword.)

10) I hope this explains a little, i will look hard at the "Prologue" per-say and let you know when its updated and chapter 2 is in.
PM me the critiques, i didn't come here to half-heartedly listen. But don't pick on silly things like Latch continuing to blame Cunor, that wasn't an error, the 18 feet thing etc are all well appreciated.

11) Expendable - maybe my prologue can be as you say (in keeping the Hereford Eye's prologue point) Earlier. This part could be Chapter 1.
My original Prologue sucked, it was eddings style - history, but there's too much history to get into easily.

P.S. read earlier in the thread, as i was trying to keep the mystery by not explaining particular bits, however i do see that as readers you need a bit more to latch (hehe) onto.

Thanks, check back later for changes more work. Happy to hear the voices (on the forum, not in my head:D )

Also, what does BTW mean (man do i sound the fool).