PDA

View Full Version : Critique?


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


Dragon Child
June 15th, 2006, 10:55 PM
I've had this story idea for almost two years now and I'm madly in love with it but afraid I can't do it justice. I've only attempted to write it a little here and there, usually trashing what ramblings that I had managed to scrape out onto the page.

In a nutshell, it's supposed to be about this guy, Ferdinand, who lives in a place where magic is considered evil but ends up finding out he has the potential to become a mage (or whatever you want to call it, I'm still undecided). Along the way he ends up losing touch with reality and decides he's going to take over the world.

So this is all I've got, other than a pretty good outline of how I want the story to go. I guess I'm looking for information on why I dislike it so much now after I had had so much fun and felt good about it while writing it. More importantly, however, I think I'm really just looking for encouragement to continue with my attempt.

I've never written anything really major, and I'm all too sure I'm trying to bite off more than I can chew... but I REALLY love this story.

Er... anyways, whithout further ado:
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1645p0.html

MrBF1V3
June 16th, 2006, 02:14 AM
D Child, if you don't try really big bites every so often, how do you know how big of a bite you can take? I, for one, am glad I decided to write the novel that had been bouncing around in my head. It took a long time. I learned a lot. And these days I cringe at the end result, and hope no one ever reads it. (On the other hand, there is no way I'm trashing it.) By all means, write on.

As for the story, you have a good writing style, easy to read--That's important. You save a lot of time on endless rewrites when you start out with something better.

I would say, perhaps the reason you are not as pleased with the result has less to do with the quality of your writing and more to do with plotting. Dare I use the word "predictable"? (Okay, I don't know you well enough to use rude words like that. Ignore it. Sorry.) In your writing, you may want to aviod the straight path between point A and point B. Throw in some curve balls and left turns and underground railroads. Leave me at the end of a chapter wondering what they're going to do about . . .

Give it a try, it may make the story more enjoyable.

B5

Dawnstorm
June 16th, 2006, 06:22 AM
Hi,

The good news, you've got a vivid style. You have a good eye for details, and your language flows nicely. This is a section I particularly liked:


He slowed his pace to give himself more time to figure out what to do. But then the passing point came and there was nothing left to do but walk on. So he stopped.

(The language does sometimes seem a bit uneven, but there's nothing that can't be taken care of with minor edits.)


I'm looking for information on why I dislike it so much now after I had had so much fun and felt good about it while writing it.

Here's a guess.

You may hurry things too much. You may want to get the set-up stage out of the way; a lot of the fun for you might come from your anticipation of where things will lead.

Take for example this section:

[quote]At any rate, he could not bear to see the man go, and decided to speak before he had a chance to escape

Dragon Child
June 17th, 2006, 11:14 PM
First off, I just want to say thanks for the help you guys, I really appreciate it.

As for the rushing thing, I have noticed I tend to be lacking in the patience department. Writing, reading, and everything else. After reading your comments though, I have become inspired to try and drag it out a little. In fact, I think I'm going to do just that as soon as I post this reply.

One thing I was afraid of is that it may have seemed like I was trying too hard to make it sound, I don't know, smart or something. Maybe it's just my imagination? The character's are supposed to seem a bit arrogant, although really they're clueless.

I also really appreciate the compliments. So far the only people I've really had critique my stuff would be my parents and I expected them to say nice things about it. It's nice to hear unbiased strangers let me know I have potential:D

So, I won't give up on this project--even if I do end up putting it on the shelf and forgetting about it when I'm done. At least I'll know I tried, right?

Edit: stupid typos

Dawnstorm
June 18th, 2006, 03:49 AM
So, I won't give up on this project--even if I do end up putting it on the shelf and forgetting about it when I'm done. At least I'll know I tried, right?

That's the spirit! :D

***

(What happened to the rest of my post? I'm pretty sure, I didn't stop typing in the middle of a quote... :confused: )

Monty Mike
June 18th, 2006, 06:51 AM
Dragon Child, I very much enjoyed this story, especially the opening and the intriguing stranger!

To add only minorly to some previous comments, there's one tiny thing which struck me. Near the end, you describe Nickodemus's patience as wearing thin, however, for quite a few lines before it he is seen smiling and almost excited. I didn't really believe this change in temperament as it seemed rather sudden and nothing up to that point suggested to me that he was losing his patience. Indeed, it just seemed too short a time and in too peaceful a place for anyone to become impatient; they seemed to only have been talking for a couple minutes, if that. Plus, this stranger seems to be there for a reason, and so if anyone should lose their patience, then I feel it's more likely to be Ferdy (who at this point would be completely ignorant of what Nick might have in stall for him). Of course, as I said, this is a minor detail, but it should be kept in mind when writing other scenes; it's all about well-realised characters! :D I appreciate it's your first draft and you're certainly a better writer than I am, but I suppose there's no harm in keeping an eye out for little points like these (too many of them in a story can slowly start to degrade it).

I think your on a fantastic start, though, and I shall certainly hope you post more so I can continue reading :) ;)