Critique:zombie summer blockbuster spring break a retelling chapter 1

[familymatters]

a zombie summer blockbuster spring break: a retelling



EPILOGUE
when i stepped out onto the veranda i noticed htat something had changed: i was eating on some brains. quickly i dashed to the mirror on the veranda (the veranda mirror) and peered into its depths. what i found there was both terruifying and made me self-conscious you see i was the zombie that saved spring breaaaaaak. i finished them brains.

CHAPTER1
it seems i am the zombie that saves spring break.. yes the mirror on thev eranda verified this for me only moments ago. i think about this outloud and my neighbor jerry peeks over the damn fence and says "what"

slowly i duck behind my veranda brick wall and think to myself "how do i get away with being the zombie that saved spring break all the time?" i think outloud. jerry says "what" and i suddenly realize i am going to eat this man. i eat jerry from behind because apparently i am sneaking zombie. he does not notice and dies peacefully. as i eat him i strangly desire to eat every single person i see and this makes me wonder......

i jump over the fence and return to the mirror on my veranda...only to find that yes in fact i am the zombie that saves spring break still. with much dsicussion i decide that i have to get some help for this disorder. i decide i should go to the mall to get some help for this disorder.

i drive my car to the mall but find that my feet are very heavy and my hands have lost some shape. driving is difficult and i crash into a postman. i get out of the car and look around to see that there is a gathering of people to watch the dead postman. i am now in the spotlight and i begin to sweat...but as a zombie i can only sweat blood so i am a very bloody zombie who just ran over the postman. i fastly grab the postman, throw him in my ECHO and get the f&&& out of there. on my way to the mall i hit a few more postmen but no time to stop and sweat now

i arrived at the mall by hitting a postman outside the mall. i decided to change into the postman outfit to disguise my horrible blood sweat zombie body. in the mall ig et strange looks. i buy a pair of sunglasses and a gilmore girls dvd and a tic tac so as to appear as a normal postman. i deliver some fake mail and find the doctor stall in the back of the PACIFIC BLUE.

the withc doctor looks me over and says "hey youre a zombie" to this i can only nod and say "yes i am a zombie that saves spring break"

the witch doctor looks me over again and says "i can fix you but it's going to cost you at least 35 dollars because i have to use a lot of pencillin" i agree and hand the witch doctor 35 dollars from the postman's wallet (i dont feel right stealing but i did deliver some mail for the guy) the witch doctor pulls out a treasure map and says "to cure your disorder you have to search out the ancient face of zeus in the depths of the mall underground. here is a map that i drew with a crayon because i was in olive garden and they only had crayons and some pasta" i say "was it good pasta" and he says "yes it was very good pasta can we get back on track here a guys gotta make a livin" and i say "i just really like pasta so i wanted to know if it was good pasta is all" and he says "well yes i guess that's ok but yes it was good pasta now youre gonna have to go to the mall underground and get the face of zeus" i say "k" he says "ok but it's guarded by like seven zeus statues so you gotta disable em first you got it?" i think about this for 10 minutes and say "yes i understand" then i think about this for 10 minutes and he gets mad and kicks me out. i buy some pants.

i follow the map to the mervyns mens section and i get a little pissed off because i just bought these pants for 35 bucks but i dont have time for that because mall security spots my map and maps arent allowed in mervyns. i freak out and eat 2 mall security guards they shoot at me a little bit but thankfully the postman had a bullet proof vest and also i am a pretty fasteater. no one notices that i ate the security guards so i am free to continue searching for the secret entrace to the mall underground. it turns out it is under the shorts. i never thought that there was an underground under the shorts but it just goes to show you....

i get into the mall underground it is very dark and it smells like a meth lab. in fact i think it is a meth lab. this is probably a meth lab. i find the face of zeus but it is surrounded by what looks like seven giant zeus statues. they are made of stone so i go and take the face of zeus.

in my hand i hold the face of zeus and i look at it with wonder sparkles in my eyes and i bring it close to my face as if to put it on my face.............

um it actually only has one chapter i think u see what happens after this......

[fullhouse]

this is compelling and very original thank you. but i had some questions baout the zombies plz "private msg" me and i'd like to have a minor chat

[choppy]

Hi Familymatters. Welcome to the forums.

Out of curiosity, are you still in school? If so I would encourage you to keep pursuing writing and to polish up you skills. It looks like there are some vividly imagined ideas here, but your grammar still needs a lot of work. You need to use proper punctuation and capitalisation. Chat-room short type won't cut it if you want other people to take you seriously.

And just as a tip, an epilogue usually comes at the end of a story. A prologue is what comes in the beginning.

[familymatters]

well i think the idea is for a series called the zombie diaries written by a zombie through the EYES of a zombie and since zombies arent allowed in school(BS) it only makes sense that the writing is maybe no so great..... imo this makes it easier to get ito the action like you feel like you might have to duck or get punched until you remember that its just a dang book and calm down for a minute

[Monty Mike]

well i think the idea is for a series called the zombie diaries written by a zombie through the EYES of a zombie and since zombies arent allowed in school(BS) it only makes sense that the writing is maybe no so great..... imo this makes it easier to get ito the action like you feel like you might have to duck or get punched until you remember that its just a dang book and calm down for a minute
LOL, it's a nice idea, but choppy is absolutely right; polish up your writing a little and take it from there. Unless you make a distinction in style, perhaps between narratives (i.e. tell the story through the eyes of a zombie with terrible spelling as well as a human), it will appear that you are just being careless.

Basically, if you want to keep the grammar you should make it clear that it is deliberate and not leave the reader to decide this for themselves. It looks like it could be an entertaining read, keep working on it ;)

[doubledare]

um well i am the original author of this story but familymaters did not steal it he is my brother lol

anyway i would like to adress smoe of your questions if i may...u see familymatters is right it is through the eye of a zombie and also the epilogue is first bc it is like memento you see the END comes first....i wrotei it with proper grammar and capitlaization first then i went back and thought of how a zombie would type it into his pc while he was thinkin about brains and all of that

anyway i hope that you like it i sent it into reader's digest and hopefully theywill print it they give you 100 dollars i think. i could use this money to publish even more stories in reader's digest. probably about a robot zombie next

just remember when you see this in reader's digest think of doubledare and how much you wish you could be in reader's digest lol i am just kidding of course but think about it anyway

[familymatters]

hey thad(doubledares for those that dont know my bro)im glad your blending in bc i wasnt sure if you'd be mad about me trying to get some pub but i figured with a story like that all you need is some pub and this is sure the place for it(i think?) i have been working on my own story about a talking baby that is actually president george w bush come back to life which leads to some rather sticky and funny imight add situations when baby president(this movie is called baby president) meets real president that actually isnt dead yet. one scene will feature baby president falling flat on his face and getting angry about wearing large pants as the real president talks to an important japanese businessman while wearing a DIAPER because of a crazy mixup by that guy from king of queens. i hope this isnt to much like look whos talking 2. has anyone seen look whos talking 2?

[doubledare]

um ill be honest with u im gonna be readin THAT

[Richardb]

First of all, congrats on putting forth the effort and starting to write. Practice is key to writing, and it takes time.
Now, since you asked for input: you have capitalize and use proper punctuation... you just have to. You will not get published using the above sample. Trying to imitate how a zombie would type it into a PC might just be too 'cute' and certainly is offputting to the reader. I think you can capture that feeling through the use of first person, and through the language.
Additionally, the storyline sounds a bit 'young'. It feels like it may be written for pre-teens based on the simple quest idea and simple writing, but if true, then clean up the language (ie 'pissed off').
Think about what the audience is and write to that audience. Use common writing conventions. Practice.
Keep at it and have fun, and prepare to need a thick skin when asking for writing input... it is hard to hear critiques sometimes.

[doubledare]

this story is fro recovering drug addicts it is a story of hope and perseverance if i change it im letting down everybody especially my mom and especially familymatters my bro kev lol and im not abot to let everybody down unless i get a lot of money so when can i expect a check