View Full Version : Critique: Opening Chapter for War Story

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

June 19th, 2006, 04:13 PM
Its been awhile since I've wrote something, but after reading some Bourne Identity and playing games, Im back in the writing world. The second chapter is posted in this topic, so Id rather you critique it instead of this.
Just critique this for me please, and you can probably guess whats gonna happen to the people in the helicopter.

Chapter One
Otega was propped against a storage container.
His gloved hands gripped a semi-automatic pistol and a water bottle which was half empty. Within twenty feet of the soldier was a helicopter being loaded with lethal, nightmarish weapons that according to the soldier were meant to be in hell. They could be detonated on land to kill thousands, or detonated in the atmosphere to vanish millions.
The soldier now prepared to board the roaring black bear, his mission; To ensure the arrival of Nuclear Weapons to Celsur, a scarcely populated city with temperatures below freezing. Otega sat furthest away from the weapons of mass destruction, letting two scientist and three other soldiers sit beside it.
“ This is crazy,” he muttered. One bullet to the nukes and they’ll detonate or, worse. Otega thought fingering his gas mask. To make things worse, the chopper would first have to fly thirty miles before leaving an entirely hostile district. How could the General not know this?
The scientist issued a “Go” order and above the ceiling began to hum an electric churn. Once it had opened, the pilots elevated the chopper from the dark underground bunker. Higher, higher, and higher. They rose it above the blanket of trees before dipping the bird forward, bringing it to a speed of one hundred miles an hour. Better then driving with a big a** convoy. Otega joked.

June 20th, 2006, 03:28 PM
me i like it, my oppinion is that you should post abit more, i dont really know if many people just want to read a blurp you have it set up now, now run with it

June 20th, 2006, 03:59 PM
Not bad, it's quite good. Sure you could definately improve, but that will come with practice. Still, I say you could write an entertaining story right now!

So go on and write, post your full chapter and I'm sure it'll be swell. I'll definately read it. :)

June 20th, 2006, 07:33 PM
Sorry about the language, but the military isnt the military without the f-word.:)
Chapter Two

One of the three soldiers aboard the chopper happened to be a Special Forces Operative, SFO for short. It didn’t comfort Otega anymore then having a bomb suit on. The nukes couldn’t be stopped unless you had dug a bunker over one hundred feet deep, and even then you would need a gas mask to be ninety percent safe.
Peering out from the open side door, Otega decided to put on his night vision goggles. The forest below was spectacular. Trees danced in the chilling wind. But soon it all faded away into bombed out plains. Charred tanks and troop transports smoked atop a mass grave. Otega had been there during the firefight, the biggest battle against terrorist Karl Lesdon yet. He was elusive, professional, and overall ruthless. He wouldn’t waste a minute if he had these nukes.
He looked at the SFO. He used to admire special forces, but now he realized everyone was the same. Different training, mottos, weapons, none of that meant **** once you hit the battlefield. The Armed Forces became one in any firefight. Otega kept his head shaved, but the operative had a civilian haircut, sunglasses, and a black do-rag on his head.
Otega turned his focus back to the battleground as it began transforming into a forest again. Abruptly and suddenly, several bright flashes blinded him. He was startled at first and didn’t think to say anything until the flashes erupted again and didn’t let up. It was anti-air guns!
“We’ve got anti-air guns shooting at us to your left!” he called to the pilots. The words set off a commotion. Only the SFO kept his cool.
“There’s nothing we can do but haul ass to the safe zone.” he said putting on his own pair of night vision devices. The anti-air gun obviously had a lock on feature, for the bullets never stopped make gold streaks in the night vision goggles.
“Its getting bad down there.” Otega said as rockets screamed past the bird. He was losing his cool. His throat was tight and his stomach had butterflies. The night sky was filled with shoulder launched missiles and several anti-air bullets. Otega thought it couldn’t get any worse when the helicopter jerked violently to it’s side, hurling a scientist overboard. Otega rushed to him when he noticed he had grabbed the edge of the open door and pulled him up.
“We have to crash land, Price, call in our coordinates and request a recovery team!” demanded the pilot with worry in his voice. A recovery team? They aren’t expecting to live! Otega almost vomited.
“Command, we’re going down at Brass-A3-F1, request an immediate recovery team for nuclear subjects… and survivors. Over.” said the pilot. Otega braced himself, then removed his goggles and put on the gas mask incase of a toxic leak from damaged nukes. The SOF did the same and advised the other people to do so also.
“Thirty feet! Sixteen! No-” the helicopter had impact. It had smashed into the ground tilted to its left, throwing Otega and a scientist from the chopper. Otega laid motionless in shock and disbelief. Was he alive? Shock? Afterlife?
He decided to move. He could feel the leaves and sticks crack beneath him. He couldn’t see **** with the gas mask on, so he removed it and strapped the night vision device back to his head. The scientist who had been ejected with him lay dead, his skull cracked open against a tree. The helicopter was in complete shutdown. No smoke or fire, but there was movement inside. Blood splattered the inside of the cockpit, so the pilots were surely dead. The SFO and a scientist were crawling out of the wreckage. Otega tapped his head asking for a headcount, or in this case how many are alive? The SFO identified him and the scientist being the only ones.
The nukes had remained secured in their storage crates, any damage wasn’t visible. Otega moved beside the SFO, wondering what happens next.
“Normally I would make it to a safe zone, but we can’t leave the nukes here.” the SFO said. Otega shook his head.
“That recovery team will be awhile, and its suicide to try and defend the bird.” Otega objected. The SFO gave Otega a forgiving, sorry face. Otega felt betrayed. He knew the nukes must be defended, but would gladly leave them to live. Suddenly the atmosphere was interrupted with loud shouts from the enemy.
“Stand fast soldier!” said the SFO. The scientist picked up a dead soldiers rifle and prepared it to shoot. Otega was ready to shoot when the enemy used a loud speaker.
“Any survivors drop your weapons or you will be killed!” claimed the speaker. The SFO didn’t flinch. He kept his rifle trained in the direction of the speaker.
“Walk to us slowly with your hands up! You have ten seconds before we launch gas!” the enemy reported again.
“Oh ****!” muttered Otega fumbling for his gas mask. The scientist was broken. The crash and enemy soldiers were too much for him and he began walking towards the speaker which was hidden behind a small hill.
“Get back here!” demanded Otega in a low voice, but the SFO signaled him to stop. At the peak of the hill the scientist’s body was ripped with bullets and he rolled back to the lone soldiers.
He was alive and looked Otega in the eyes. Otega placed his hand on the scientist’s cheek to comfort the trembling body.
“They’re coming!” the SFO warned. Otega was built with fear and rage now; adding to his combat effectiveness. He aimed his rifle at the first enemy body he spotted and fired off two rounds. Suddenly gunfire erupted and the fight had begun. The two men kneeled behind the twisted tail of the helicopter for cover as they shot at the enemy. The will to survive was a great ally in a gun fight.
“If a tanks rolls in here we are dead!” Otega shouted. Suddenly the SFO shouted in pain. Otega checked on him to find he had been shot in the calf. In agonizing pain the SFO turned around and shot enemy soldiers that had snuck up behind them. Then he checked his leg and looked at Otega shaking his head.
“Hang in there! We can make this!” Otega lied. He knew they were ****ed to begin with.

June 21st, 2006, 06:53 AM
It's an interesting idea, but in my opinion you need a little more research to do on military topics, nukes and other things of that sort. For example, you claim that one needs a gas mask to protect them from nuclear radiation, but in reality, a gas mask wouldn't do much to protect against such things as it radiation, you need a whole suit against it (and I don't think that a bomb suit would double as one).

Also the helicopter crash seemed a little... weird. I can't quite place my finger on it, but it just didn't seem to make sense. The people getting thrown out, the whole shuts off but no explosion or burning and... well, I think you get the idea.

Don't get discouraged, though, I believe you got the stuff to make a nice story, its just that some details need working out, that's all. :)

June 21st, 2006, 11:16 AM
I've merged your two threads subzero, seems pointless to have two seperate ones, and if you want to post anymore can you do so in the Stories section and provide a link please :)

June 21st, 2006, 12:38 PM
Woadwarrior, the nukes arent explosive nukes, their chemical warheads. Maybe I should change it so other people dont get confused.

June 21st, 2006, 03:06 PM
Also the helicopter crash seemed a little... weird. I can't quite place my finger on it, but it just didn't seem to make sense. The people getting thrown out, the whole shuts off but no explosion or burning and... well, I think you get the idea.

Don't get discouraged, though, I believe you got the stuff to make a nice story, its just that some details need working out, that's all. :)

I've done my research on the helicopter crash with historical military books, particuarly Black Hawk Down. The helicopter crashed, but never blew up or burned. There was a fear that it might blow up but it never did.
Also in a Vietnam document, the pilots shutdown a function after it had crashed to make sure it wouldn't explode.
So the crash aftermath is plausible, but I think I left out too much detail during the crash sequence making it confusing for other people. I didnt describe it that much because I didnt want to make it seem like an action scene for Hollywood.