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June 20th, 2006, 11:00 PM
i do realise that you have read abit of the story but i have added alot to it and made many editations to it. i would really love it if you give your oppions on the idea and how it is progressing. :) ;)



June 20th, 2006, 11:27 PM
I'm not a very good advisor on writing, but this work still needs some approvement. I think most of it could be fixed if you re-read it, pausing at commas, stopping at periods. I don't think you went into too much detail and then again sometimes you stretched detail too long in sentences.
Just re-read it and if you've read enough books you should be able to spot some errors.
If you're anything like I use to be, then you have seen or thought of some cool action or fighting sequences that you want to get on paper. I'm not going to say you cant do that, but you certainly dont want to rush into stuff without giving us detail first.
Lets go with your character to fighting excercises; dont need any detailed fight moves, just say what she was learning, gun wielding suspect take-down, hostage situation...anything is better then rushing.
And if you dont want to go that far, then give us some more time in her home during the beginning. She took a shower, got a drink or a sandwich...checked her firearms...anything.
You need to slow down the beginning part where she is in bed and stuff. It was confusing to me.

P.S. Why is China the bad one? It be more logical if you had North Korea as the bad guys, check the news. It'd make your story more interesting.