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One_Man_Band
July 1st, 2006, 02:44 AM
Here it is, hope you enjoy!


It started quietly and discreetly, we had no inkling of what was to come. They took us by surprise. Their actions worked with horrifying efficiency, our defenses lasted for mere minutes. Their armada landed on our planet, their soldiers flowed out of the ships like a river torrent down its bed. They want our planet, we want it back. We are the Warriors of Earth, defending what is ours, destroying what is not.

I am Captain John Murphy, a soldier in Earths Army. I used to be a writer a lifetime ago until duty called. My planet needed me, my publisher did not.

“Ok man here they come, fire at will.” I shouted down the trench line

With that order, a wall of fire erupted upon the advancing Reds. They fell by the dozens, but were reinforced by the hundreds. I commanded a trench with 200 men, my orders were to hold for as long as possible.

The reds landed all over the world, but chose my country to fall first. I call Australia home, so do many, well there won’t be many left after all is said and done. One can only speculate why the Reds picked Australia to attack first, my hunch is after they take Australia they will move into to Indonesia the gateway to Asia.

“Sir, look!” A private pointed to the sky.

A Red attack ship was hovering above the Trench, the mammoth vessel silhouetted against the afternoon sky. I jumped onto the mobile com, and requested a wing of F-209’s to attack the ship. My request was granted, the F-209’s sometimes known as Panther class attack fighters, because of their black exterior and incredible speed and agility. The panthers were two minutes away, however the Red ship started dropping concussion pulse bombs on top of us, the bombs were not designed to kill rather immobilize.

The bombs emit a high harmonic frequency once dropped, causing severe pain and disorientation – the Red soldiers as part of their backpack carried a pair of earmuffs designed to withstand the particular frequency used. They would sit back in silence and watch their birds rain down the concussion bombs otherwise called ball busters, because once hit with one, soldiers tended to fall to their knees, and quiver around on the ground in agony. Our scientists had not yet figured out the specifics of the ball busters, so were remained defenseless against it.

I looked up towards the sky the Red ship bombs were raining out of the bays, I had no umbrella so all I could do is get soaked.

“Block your ears!” I shouted, knowing fully well that it would do nothing to block the coming pain.

Here comes the rain, I watched a ball buster hit the ground with a thud, for a few seconds dust rose from its impact, then suddenly a hush came over the soldiers, or had I lost my hearing, a whining sound ringed in my hear, and then with one swift kick to my senses I fell to my knees, every inch of my body retched with pain. I fell face first to the ground, I landed on my chin, paralyzed, I could not move. I noticed the red boots of an enemy soldier they had taken the trench, and had taken the unit and me as prisoners.

“Bloody hell here come panthers!” An enemy soldier said. His combat helmet muffled his mars accent.

The panther fighters fired their pulse cannons on the Red positions. The pulse cannon fires a focused burst of nuclear energy, suffice to say anything caught in its part would die even if they survived the initial blast. Our captors had no choice but to retreat. The panthers fired on the retreating reds and killed most of them.

They wanted to take us prisoner, for that we killed them. In a war for your homeland you don’t take prisoners, you kill all that stand against you.

This war is civil war, humans killing humans. In an era of high technology, we don’t explore past our solar system instead we look inwards. We still fight each other for power, money and resources. Nothings changed in the last millennia, it’s just got a whole lot bigger, that’s all.

choppy
July 1st, 2006, 09:53 AM
Hi One Man Band,

Welcome to the forums. I dabble in military science fiction from time to time myself.

Basically, what you have here is the introduction to your world, the battle, and an opening scene. You introduce the main character, Captain John Murphy and then paint a picture of his unit surviving an attack that uses sonic weapons to incapacitate his troops. I would encourage you to keep writing. While there is a definate need for some polish, there is a vividly imagined world here.

Your last paragraph seems to contradict the buildup in the rest of the post as you suggest that this is a human vs human war. If you really mean for this to be human vs human, I'm not sure you generate much of a dramatic effect by hiding this fact. Let the reader know early on.

Some of the grammar and writing mechanics are off, but this will come with practice.

Ozzie U Nolem
July 6th, 2006, 09:53 AM
The first paragraph is strong and can lead the rest of the story.

"My planet needed me, my publisher did not."
--I find the moods contrast too dramatically. Get to the core emotion of why he chose planet over his life while maintaining mood and tone...

Ozzie U Nolem
July 6th, 2006, 10:01 AM
Also...

Before I'm thrown into the action sequence, I'd like to know why I should care about the battle. What makes this battle so important as to begin telling a story with it.

Remember, the beginning of a story is the beginning of a story and therefore it should be that One In A Million event.

...

"This war is civil war, humans killing humans. In an era of high technology, we don’t explore past our solar system instead we look inwards. We still fight each other for power, money and resources. Nothings changed in the last millennia, it’s just got a whole lot bigger, that’s all."

Show it don't tell it. Don't make it too hard to see either.
I would omit this parag. and make the reasons behind the parag. your first chapter.

...

GREAT story idea. Just SHOW the story and get the reader emotionally involved...

Jumbo Frendie
July 9th, 2006, 06:56 AM
I dunno, but im not one to judge...

One_Man_Band
July 10th, 2006, 10:26 AM
I dunno, but im not one to judge...


Well that was pointless.

To choppy and Ozzie_U_Nolem, thanks for your input... much appreciated!

queenmegumi
July 10th, 2006, 11:09 AM
<<My planet needed me, my publisher did not. >>

That made me laugh. I LIKE when stories are peppered with humor. It made me want to read more. I also know that eventually we'll get to hear about why he decided to drop writing and defend the earth, so I can't wait for the next chapter.

The Earth Army name sounds silly, but that has massive potential (your character could even acknowledge that the name is less fortuante than the population it serves, etc. etc.)

And now I go back to whatever it is that I do...

--Megumi