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July 4th, 2006, 12:33 AM
Hey, I've posted the introduction to a story I'm working on:


This is usually the kind of thing I'll write, then later edit out. But this is somewhat different than usual, it's kind of looking like a long story, and one which is best told from the beginning.

Anyway, what do you think? Is it too rough? Would you put this down or clamor for more? Or "other"?

Thanks for your continued support,


July 4th, 2006, 05:22 AM
It's interesting - similar to a Peter Hamilton opening in that it's written as if the future technologies should be totally familiar without explanation and the event that rocks the satellite will likely take some explaining. Definitely a keeper :)

Ozzie U Nolem
July 10th, 2006, 09:21 AM
I think it is written well. It brings the reader into by describing a common childhood experience. (Aside from the explosion)

everything seems to flow well.

Look forward to reading more.

July 15th, 2006, 07:11 AM
Well done. Tight and professional. More importantly, I already feel for the character. T

July 15th, 2006, 10:00 AM
Thanks, kind words.

I took the explosion for granted because I plan to explain what happened later, when Lindy is older. I'm assuming a toddler wouldn't know. On the other hand, the POV is from later sometime, I should consider adding a comment to point to information she will eventually have.

Immediately after this segment we join Lindy as an ambitious young adult, but this event is the defining moment in her life.

Still working,


the post hasn't been rated very highly, I wonder what the raters would have to say ?

July 15th, 2006, 10:45 AM
It's a short opening but with a good hook - you're going to be wondering about Lindy and her world. I get the impression you've really thought out how her world works.

If there's one thing I think you should do, it's get rid of all the "...." except at the begining and the end, instead of just a period. They're a little distracting.

Of course, this is just my opinion and you're free to accept or reject anything I've said.


July 15th, 2006, 11:46 AM
Explosion? Lindy? Hmm... I might just have heard of this before. From a different point of view... ;)

I'm having trouble establishing the narrative technique for this scene. As a reader, I don't find my way into the text until near the end: "Lindy was still standing on the edge of the crater when the rescuers found her." From then on, I'm gripped.

Before that I had trouble establishing the narrative situation. A triangulation of "remembering Lindy", "remembered Lindy" and "omniscient narrator" keeps the text in confusion:

She could clearly remember playing with her sisters, two of them.

How many sisters does she have? The answer is a different one if "remembering Lindy" is the point of view character, or if the point of view is the narrator's own. (The latter would yield the correct answer, I think.)

Like many in their generation they were designed as triplets.

A tense problem, here. It's not on the same temporal level as "could remember", not least because her sisters don't exist anymore.

And so on. The text is riddled with such oddities.

So what I think I have, here, is an omniscient narrator hinting at remembering Lindy but talking only about remembered Lindy, which makes borders between the narrator and remembering Lindy blurred, but descernible.

I think consciously incorporating "remembering Lindy, as she is remembering" could improve the text. (Examples: Is this "nightmare-stuff" to be taking literally? Do the memories haunt her in her sleep? Or: Is Lindy the type to construct VR-environments on her memories? Trauma therapy?)

I have a feeling I don't get into the text earlier, because there's no coherent narrative technique. Of course, what you're doing with this will change as the story develops.

Glad you're getting back to the designer children, though. It's a fascinating subject to explore. :)

I think the "..." are a substitutes for indentures, which few people know how to do in the story sections (I for one don't). ;)

Hereford Eye
July 15th, 2006, 12:30 PM
Dawnstorm not withstanding, there is much here to catch my interest and I want to see more.
Writing as if the technology is familiar or should be familiar to the reader, why attach the adjective "genetic" to enhancements. Shouldn't that be familiar as well?

July 15th, 2006, 12:41 PM
Dawnstorm not withstanding, there is much here to catch my interest and I want to see more.

Ooh, sorry. I'm not saying it doesn't catch my interest. It's just that about 1.5 years ago I read about the same event (I think) from a different point of view, so what catches my interest in that one caught my interest 1.5 years ago, already. I'm not a fresh reader, so the stylistic problems (if they exist; believe me at your own risk) stand out for me. :o

July 15th, 2006, 11:50 PM
So many insightful comments, it must be time to respond.

Yeah, Ex, the " ... " are there to make the paragraphs are somehow indented. If there is a better way to do that in the story section I'd love to hear about it. I suppose in a segment this short I could space between paragraphs, but I hate to do so in longer stories.

Yes, DS, you have seen this event before. (Was it only 1 1/2 years ago?) Lindy was an extra, a minor character, but there are such great possibilities! I do write in other worlds and other situations, but I do seem to return to this world quite often, I hope this is not a weakness. I do seem to have a tendency to eliminate the designed siblings of a character... I wonder what Freud would say?

I should be able to focus narrative style in the next rewrite (or one of the next rewrites) I tend to write the story down haphazardly at first, then fix everything. For example, ambigious sentences. (I knew what I mean.:rolleyes: )

HE, glad I caught your interest. The obvious answer to why we would qualify "enhancements" with "genetic", is that there are other kinds of enhancements. I'm not sure if I can make this distinction clear in the narrative without having to launch into an explanation before I want it in the story.

Really, really, thanks for the input. It is so helpful to have a POV which isn't me.