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Expendable
July 15th, 2006, 10:32 AM
A conversation I had with someone sparked an idea - this is what I've managed to dash out so far. Tell me what you think (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1720p0.html).

Dawnstorm
July 15th, 2006, 12:30 PM
A great intro. I liked how you sustained the "birth" metaphor.

Only one thing I'm not sure about:

"Humans don't remember their birth,":

This sounds a bit too placatively "us vs. them", especially considering that the speaker probably doesn't recall his own birth-before-death-before-birth. Their "human" lives do seem to carry some weight with them still (--> "My name is Dillon. Ring any bells?"). Unless I misinterpret... much depends on how the story carries on.

***

A bit of dialogue-puntuation:

"...questions," he said, "But we...":

"...questions," he said. "But..." or "...questions," he said, "but..."

*

"Just one of those difficult questions," Dillon sighed

"...questions." Dillon sighed... (unless he sighs through the entire sentence, instead of speaking, then sighing.)

***

That may not really be news, but I quite enjoy your style. You're choosing the right point-of-views. In this case, I'm sharing the confusion with the narrator, wanting to know what's going on. Sly reference to "Mother", etc.

Very gripping.

Expendable
July 15th, 2006, 01:29 PM
Thanks Dawnstorm, you've helped alot. ^_^

-Ex.

Hereford Eye
July 15th, 2006, 02:14 PM
Why does she refer to this benefactors as her "savior"? What does she believe she has been saved from?

Disagree with DS on the humans and birth thing. Seems to me the benefactor is making the comment, not the rescued protagonist, making the comment appropriate and applicable.

You've been very gender neutral in this opening allowing interpretation as I see fit.

Dawnstorm
July 15th, 2006, 05:40 PM
Disagree with DS on the humans and birth thing. Seems to me the benefactor is making the comment, not the rescued protagonist, making the comment appropriate and applicable.

While I respect your opinion, I have to point out that I did realise the benefactor is making the comment (direct speech tends to be hint towards that effect). He may be vitally challenged, but he's still human. He may not think of himself as such, but comments he makes later seem to indicate some relevance of pre-post-mortem-life to the current state of being. Which means that said character (assuming that he was among the living once, which is not a given) has something like a "human birth he does not remember" in his (perhaps quite distant) past.

To compare "rising after death" to birth is a metaphor, but the metaphor rests on an experience he had too. I'm not saying a psychological/social constellation where such a comparison is made is implausible; but it's quite complex, because - if they refer to their "rising" as "birth" to the extent that they compare it to the beginning of human life - the question is what do they call their first, their human birth? Is it taboo? (If so, why isn't the entire past life? Why single out birth?)

Do you see my reasoning, or is this just the usual Dawnstorm convolution process? :cool:

Expendable
July 15th, 2006, 05:55 PM
Actually both of them are very much alive - just not quite human. My protagonist died and was buried. And has just crawled out of their grave.

Dawnstorm
July 15th, 2006, 07:55 PM
Ah, things are getting even more interesting. :D

BrianC
July 15th, 2006, 08:20 PM
Actually both of them are very much alive - just not quite human. My protagonist died and was buried. And has just crawled out of their grave.
I got that right away. The story thus far gives me a vibe of "The Highlander" (the original movie, not the crappy TV show). Also, pretty well written.


BTW, where ya been lately, expendable?

Expendable
July 15th, 2006, 11:30 PM
Had a little trip. Only wish it was for fun but I got some reading in.

A friend wants to do a group project on immortals and I got to thinking about some of the immortals I've read about. I thought I try something a little different. A different sort of immortality.

MrBF1V3
July 16th, 2006, 12:16 AM
How many kinds of immortality can there be?

I can see a really good "what in the world is going on" set up for a "nothing you thought you knew is true" scenario which can be really good if delivered properly (unintentional).

To answer your question, I think it sounds like a good idea, and it looks good. Keep writting, see where you go.

Of course, you'll find in most of the good stories, immortality has to be paid for.

B5