[Gkarlives]

Stories
Above these, love (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1092p0.html)
Stubborn (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1752p0.html)
Dragon Dreams Book I: Paths of the Wise One (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1093p0.html)
Dragon Dreams Book II: Currents of the World (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1094p0.html)
Dragon Dreams Book III: Embers in the Sky (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2495p0.html)
Wine and Whirlwinds (http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1780p0.html)

I am just interested in any comments or questions anyone may have about my stories. Also, any criticism as long as it isn't nasty. Thanks everyone.

Edit: I have updated Stubborn with an edited version. Hopefully this is much cleaner. Also, added Wine and Whirlwinds to the list.

[Holbrook]

Not sure what you mean by nasty. A critique is a critique. i.e. telling you what another, in their opinion is wrong with the work.

So this is merely my opinion, it is not personal at all.

I have read most of Stubborn and Above these, love.

I won't do a line by line as it will be spoilers for others. Just give a couple examples.

Your ideas are strong. Your language good, but maybe a bit to ornate, if that makes sense. I am not sure which market you are aiming for, but if it's the YA one should keep the language plain if you get my drift.

The biggest problem is your sentences. I feel they are much too long and often change subject half way through.

Ex;

The sun beat down mercilessly on the barren rocky landscape where plants existed only as the withered and burnt husks of the former life that had once blessed the deepest nooks of the mountain range.

Here you are talking about the landscape then without a break go into talking about the plants. I would suggest this is cut into two sentences. Also suggest you read the work out loud to help you get the "beat" of the piece. Natural pauses, breaks etc... Long rambling sentences often make the work drag for the reader. Shorter ones increase the tension.

Though the plight of the character in Stubborn is well written I found it a little over done. There was no dialogue until the end when the twist was brought into play. Even the internal dialogue was lost in descriptive sections. I did not feel his anger or his pain at his situation.

[Gkarlives]

Not sure what you mean by nasty. A critique is a critique. i.e. telling you what another, in their opinion is wrong with the work.


By nasty, I just mean, rude or foul mouthed for no other reason than to cut somebody down. constructive, even if harsh, is ok. As, for market, adult mainly, but not the hard core violent, sex crowd. Appropriate for YA, too. That is why my sentences are the way they are. I like to challenge the reader. I do try to watch that I don't over do it, but I still like to make them work. I also like to be very descriptive (Donaldson, Williams style). Also, Stubborn has not had an outside edit, but I beleive Above These, Love has.

Thanks for the comments.

[Gkarlives]

The sun beat down mercilessly on the barren rocky landscape where plants existed only as the withered and burnt husks of the former life that had once blessed the deepest nooks of the mountain range.

Here you are talking about the landscape then without a break go into talking about the plants. I would suggest this is cut into two sentences. Also suggest you read the work out loud to help you get the "beat" of the piece. Natural pauses, breaks etc... Long rambling sentences often make the work drag for the reader. Shorter ones increase the tension.

Though the plight of the character in Stubborn is well written I found it a little over done. There was no dialogue until the end when the twist was brought into play. Even the internal dialogue was lost in descriptive sections. I did not feel his anger or his pain at his situation.

I have to admit I was in a hurry when I first read your post. After taking a better look I agree with you on the first sentence. That came from the beginning of the story where I knew there were still rough spots. I would be curious to know if you feel that the story improved as it went along. Some of the problem comes from the fact that I sometimes write a lot of short one line sentences together then when I re-read it, the story sounds choppy and simplistic. I then try to combined sentences to add variety to the sentence structure. In this case I do need to rework the sentence although in my mind I mentioned the plants as another sign of a lifeless landscape.

As for the dialog, that is intended. He is alone in this world (trapped in a world of his own mental creation). The whole drama is inside of his head and this is the complete story. I had no intention of a wider story arc. Thanks again for the comments.

[Gkarlives]

One thing I have come to notice in my stories is that no matter how many times I edit or tweak the stories, the first paragraph or two struggles. I just re-read Wine and Whirlwinds and noticed how choppy the first paragraph and a half are. As the story progressed, the rythm improved and overall was much more sound.

Somewhat frustrating.

[Sidmyster]

try writing a few pragagrpahs before the part you begin and then and try to include the opening paragraphs :P

[BrianC]

The biggest problem is your sentences. I feel they are much too long and often change subject half way through.

Ex;

The sun beat down mercilessly on the barren rocky landscape where plants existed only as the withered and burnt husks of the former life that had once blessed the deepest nooks of the mountain range.

Here you are talking about the landscape then without a break go into talking about the plants. I would suggest this is cut into two sentences. Also suggest you read the work out loud to help you get the "beat" of the piece. Natural pauses, breaks etc... Long rambling sentences often make the work drag for the reader. Shorter ones increase the tension.Two sentences are not really necessary as long as the focus remains one idea (the "sun beat down mercilessly") and the extraneous words are excised. For example, it could read: The sun beat down mercilessly on the barren, rocky landscape, on the withered and burnt husks of the life that had once blessed the mountains.But, if you want to talk about two ideas (the sun beating down and the plants existing as withered and burnt husks= 1. sun + 2. plants) then you'll need two sentences as Holbrook said. Generally, two different subjects require two sentences.

[Gkarlives]

I have finally loaded a complete version of Dragon Dreams book III. The link at the beginning of this thread will take you to the completed version. This is unfortunately not edited yet so bear with me. Thanks.

[James Carmack]

By nasty, he means saying that he's dumb, that the things he likes are dumb, and that he's not as attractive as other people. ^_^

On a serious note, I'm falling well behind on my deadlines, so I really can't afford to give the stuff a read-through at the moment, but I'll try to make a point of it later.

[Power to the J]

I read Wine and Whirlwinds, and I'm just going to say that you might want to try and space things out a bit more. Not too much, but a little. Everything seems pretty bunched up to me.