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Rocket Sheep
August 2nd, 2006, 07:07 AM
Hmmm, cruel teachers making fun of children... but then, revenge is sweet.

Is it me, or is the imagery on this lot REALLY good?

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit
their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high
school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the
amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's
winners.....
*******************
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances
like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without
one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the
country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a
solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-
temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog
makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated
because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a
surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag
filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an
eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city
and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced
across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains,
one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the
other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences
that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was
the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap,
only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike
Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not
eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck,
either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping
on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender
leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around
with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard
bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up .

Hereford Eye
August 2nd, 2006, 07:50 AM
I am in awe like after I read a Shakespeare sonnet only I'm rolling on the floor laughing instead soaring in the clouds gasping.
The child who wrote #17 has met me, I'm certain.

MrBF1V3
August 2nd, 2006, 09:10 AM
Words fail me, as words are wont to do....

What country? Where was this published?

Just nosey.

B5

TheGhost
August 2nd, 2006, 08:42 PM
Most of those are great, and certainly meant to be funny. My favorites are 3, 6, and 11.

Tell you what: comedy is harder to write than drama.


Ghostie

Rocket Sheep
August 2nd, 2006, 11:00 PM
Given all the US specific language references like Hefty bag, Canadian beef, pavement, Jeopardy, mph, the East River, Cleveland, garbage truck, vacation... I'd say we are laughing at US children and it was given to me by an USian.

SubZero61992
August 3rd, 2006, 01:22 AM
Given all the US specific language references like Hefty bag, Canadian beef, pavement, Jeopardy, mph, the East River, Cleveland, garbage truck, vacation... I'd say we are laughing at US children and it was given to me by an USian.

I could believe it, I have to write the craziest crap and Im not even in high school yet.

Hereford Eye
August 3rd, 2006, 08:03 AM
I'd bet those were lifted from serious compositions by students who were really trying to write good metaphors as most of them are really good metaphors even if they are funny. Richard Lederer made a living finding and publishing such things. His books Anguished English and More Anguished English are great reads. He wrote a piece for the National Review titled 56 B.C. and All That copmprised of statements lifted from student papers. The first paragraph reads:
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the desert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.
That piece goes on for 30 more paragraphs. My favorite is:
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up... Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote Organ of Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Dragon Child
August 3rd, 2006, 05:08 PM
Ow. Those were really funny, but it's not fun to laugh when you're sick. Oh well, still great. I may just have to print those out to share with some of my friends.

Hereford Eye
August 4th, 2006, 10:00 AM
It's not always our children who are brilliant. Consider this gem from the president of the Teachers College at Columbia University, broadcast on the U.S. NPR Talk of the Nation:
"The fundamental problem with being poor is that you don't have enough money."

Michael B
August 5th, 2006, 03:12 AM
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

How did this one slip onto the list? It is not only funny, but would encourage me to read the rest of the tale.

The rest, well, they are just funny.