PDA

View Full Version : Critique:Please Read...More Detailed, Time Worthy


SFFWorld.com
Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum


SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2006, 05:57 PM
Full Chapter Below.

Chapter One

“Kick in that door Otega!” coughed Platoon Leader Jack Grove. He was gripping a bloody wound on his leg and was losing focus in the midst of desert heat and combat. Otega kicked down the door to a small, run down clothing shop and entered to clear the building. He checked the corners and behind the register desk before announcing it safe.
“I’ve got to get this helmet off.”
“Let me have a look at that sir!”
“Grenades!”
“Lynch is down!”
“Someone barricade that ****ing door!”
All of this was rushing through Otega’s young mind at once. He was seventeen, with buzzed brown hair and desert tan skin. But he couldn’t let his people or fellow soldiers down. He had to keep working. Lynch, an older veteran, had been killed by two grenade blast. His blood was smoking and all over the floor. Behind the register desk was a busted up refrigerator, which Otega pushed in front of the door. What now, what now? Otega looked for ways to help. His Commander, Grove, had already been treated. The two windows of the shop were still wide open, maybe he could barricade those. The only thing in the shop were hangers, a desk, and some racks. It’ll have to work.
He propped the desk against one window and crammed the cheap racks against the other window. Then he looked around for something else to do, but Grove stopped him.
“You’ve done all you can here, just take a break, cover that door, and we’ll wait for help.” he breathed. Otega nodded, and removed his helmet. He sat down in the sand covered floors and listened to the chaos outside. Helicopters zoomed down streets launching rockets at the rebellious soldiers who refused the new world of laws. Most countries had agreed on making laws for freedom, but some had not, some rebelled. The most aggressive country had chosen to side with the rebellion, Zacreet. They treated their people like machines. Women had no word, kids had no life but to fight, and the elderly were executed.
Otega pulled out his small pocket journal and pen, but paused. Did he really want to remember this? What if he died?
“Write it down Otega. We’re going down in history books, your kids will find it interesting.” said Baleen. He was thirty five years old, and believed he could make a difference for his new born baby back home. Otega’s eyes watered, but he wiped them dry and nodded to Baleen.
The first sentence in the journal was ‘They say I’m too young.’, and the last was ‘Three minutes until we land, and we’re already being shot at.’
But that was three hours ago. Otega began writing a new paragraph. ‘As soon as we landed we lost Jalynn. I hope he and his wife have found each other in the Afterlife. I had to stab a man, and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. He screamed and jerked, but I choked and stabbed him again until he died. Some armored Hornet’s were suppose to extract us, but they never made it. We held off rebels until my Commander got hit in the leg, and now we have sought shelter in a clothes shop. I’m still in the fight, and maybe our mission to oppress this city will still be accomplished.’
Otega stopped writing and put the journal back in his pocket. Relax, take a break while you can.
“Ok…relax. Green grass…Megan. Yeah, Megan is a good thought.” he muttered remember the girlfriend he had at home. During school he seen her as a talkative nerd. But one day he realized what she really was; blonde hair, brown eyes, she was what any man dreamed for. But he had left to join the infantry…
Even thoughts of her weren’t good enough now. He examined his rifle. It was his life, without it he was nothing but a human, but with it he was, a killer? I’ve got to stop thinking!
Suddenly their was a loud explosion, and the door was blown open.
“Report!” shouted Grove putting his helmet on.
“It was an RPG!” warned Baleen. He leaned out of the doorway to peek outside.
“Get down!!!” he screamed. Their was more smoke and noise. Otega was slammed to the ground by the explosion. He was nauseous at first, but quickly refocused.
“Baleen!” he called rushing to the limp body. He was alive, but injured terribly. He had lost his right leg and half of his body was badly burnt.
“Otega…help me.” he cried. Suddenly the loud doom doom doom sound of fifty caliber bullets erupted. Otega fell backwards and Baleen was blown apart by the large caliber ammunition. The machine gun could only be mounted on a vehicle, which meant with a little suppression fire the driver would hit the gas and go away.
“Sir, they’ve got a technical out there.” Otega shouted over the noise. A technical was a truck with a weapon mounted on its bed, After every burst of gunfire, the rebel outside would quit shooting, probably so he wouldn’t go deaf. Either way, it was a chance to shoot at him.
“Otega, shoot at him through the window. Hotchkiss, when the gunner shoots at him, launch a rocket at the technical!” Grove ordered. Otega took a deep breath as he moved the burning desk from the window. He peeked outside to find the technical. It was close, if he had the guts Otega could shoot him from the window. But that wasn’t his orders.
“Firing!” he shouted as he squeezed shots at the gunner. As soon as Otega moved from the window, tennis ball sized holes were blasted through the wall. Hotchkiss did his job as told also. He fired a rocket dead into the truck’s middle, disabling it and the gun permanently.
“We’ve got to get out of here before they mass another attack,” Grove said. Otega knew he was right, but they had almost lost half the platoon with only five men still alive. Could they make it to safety with that many people?

TJGuitarZ
August 2nd, 2006, 08:05 PM
Hey man, that's some good writing! Here are my suggestions/comments.

1. It got a little confusing with the 5 dialogue pieces in a row, but then I realized he was thinking them all at the same time. You might want to hint that to the reader before hand.

2. You don't need foul language to make a good action scene. Just a thought.

3. It might be better if you removed the "Let me have a look at that, sir" part. It seemed to tell me that they were relaxed with enough time to share battle wounds. That is unless you're trying to work on some character development in that area.

4. You have a platoon leader, but I only counted two people in the platoon. What happened to everyone else?

5. When Otega is told to take a break, you should have him looking out the window. Describe his feelings of uneasiness, fear, and eagerness to pwn some n00bs... that is if it falls within his character traits.

6. Describe maybe some weapons or vehicles that set your time period. I'm thinking futuristic (on impulse) but I'm not sure.

These were my initial thoughts. I know you only have a little bit posted up so far and it's bound to change durastically but I just wanted to give you ideas.

Tell you what, I'll keep reading yours if you take a look at mine. It's in the same forum. My thread is called "Read my AWESOME Book" or something corny like that. Let me know what you think.

-TJ-

SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2006, 09:37 PM
I'll take that deal TJ, I was planning on reading yours when I got the chance anyways.
There is indeed eight soldiers in that room, I'll have to get that in there.

SubZero61992
August 2nd, 2006, 11:10 PM
There, the rest of the chapter is now up there.^^^^

SubZero61992
August 3rd, 2006, 03:16 PM
I've re-read the entire chapter, and this is my opinion.
It doesn't read well, its very confusing, and is going no where. Anyone agree on that?

TJGuitarZ
August 3rd, 2006, 04:08 PM
Don't have time for a long analysis like before at the moment, but the first thing I noticed was the readability is 'eh'. You need to make your paragraphs indented, or put a space between them. You also might want to break up some of your paragraphs. Like make his journal entry it's own paragraph.

SubZero61992
August 3rd, 2006, 11:06 PM
TJ, it is indented and everything, the website clutters it all together. Cant fix that.