Critique- Prologue....

[Sidmyster]

Ok heres the first draft my prologue. The title of my story is yet unnamned
so any suggestions how i can make it better etc

o' and i havent spell or grammar checked it so i reckon it will be full of errors so feel free to point them out for me and i plan to add more to it to lengthen it out abit as well :p


Prologue

The day had begun as usual, I wandered through the green fields and down the silver stream. I spent most of the day playing warrior games. I would be Freneor battling the Goblin army from the grey mountains then Brumswick facing his step-brother who tried to slay him, but even with twenty companions Brumswick bested them all with the blade. I always wanted to be a warrior like one of the many people my farther would tell me and the other village children about, we never got bored of hearing tales of ages past where handsome princes would ride on the noble steeds and rescue the impossibly beautiful princes from some equally impossible ugly witch, or another similar incarnation of evil. These however were tales to stimulate the minds of the young.
After a few hours of slaying hunger began to get the better of me so I headed home. I knew that aunt wouldn’t have the evening meal ready for a few hours yet so I decided to take a long work home and I saw a spot the day before which would be perfect for skimming a few stones. Soon after scoring 6 jumps I heard the distant sound of yelling and cursing and with my mind still active from my morning of swordplay I became frightened and quickly scrambled up the nearest tree hoping I would be spotted. After a few seconds a women came into view with ripped clothes and a bloody face whom was being hastely pursued by four horsemen all clad in dazzling silver armour. They looked liked the knights of tales not the murdering tyrants they were. I watched as the men caught up with the women and made a circle around her. I was only twelve but I could not sit in that tree and watch a helpless women be abused by these men, so I jumped down from my safe haven in the tree and yelled
“STOP”
All four men turned to face me and just looked at me with eyes of malice, I felt like they were staring into my souls and that they could read my every thought. And fear.
Then all four men started laughing, not the laughter of joy but the laughter of evil and that was the moment I knew I was going to die.
A light exploded in my eyes and I knew I Must have been struck on my face. I lay on the floor seeing the point of the warriors sword ready to plunge into my heart and steal my life, I was saved however when one of the silver men shouted something. The noise was muffled but even in my state I could tell there was desperation in his voice. Approaching was another man in silver armour and the mildest hope of being saved I had was dashed but as the rider approached he sported no helm like the four attackers and I could see his shoulder length blonde hair blowing as he raced towards us. The four dismounted warriors drew swords and advanced slowly and what I believe was reluctantly towards the blonde haired man.
I got to my feet and was going to run, then I remembered the women. I raced to her body and turned her over and her deathly pale eyes stared straight at me. She was dead. I began to run but my head was still spinning after I was struck and my legs buckled. I heard a horse galloping towards me and not for the first time that day I thought I was going to die. I closed my eyes in prayer when I was suddenly lifted but a powerful arm and placed in front of the rider. I looked at his face and it was the blonde warrior who had approached a moment earlier. Even with the four men behind him trying to mount their horses and give chase he managed to give me a warm friendly smile.
“I’m Achroneous” he shouted against the wind as we rode. “what’s your name?”
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Feudalism - Its your Count that votes

[BrianC]

Okay, this is fairly rough. I suppose it is a rough draft? I'll try to help you smooth out some rough edges but you can do your own spellcheck :) .

#1. Writing in the first person is actually more difficult for most beginning writers (IMHO). Perhaps because, as readers, we are more used to seeing third person, and so it feels more natural to write in that person at first. I would suggest rewriting this from the thrid person.

#2. A few specific points:


The day had begun as usual, I wandered through the green fields and down the silver stream.These are actually two sentences. A period is needed after 'usual'.

I spent most of the day playing warrior games. I would be Freneor battling the Goblin army from the grey mountains then Brumswick facing his step-brother who tried to slay him, but even with twenty companions Brumswick bested them all with the blade.Awkward construction and extraneous words that can be cut out by switching the sequence of the phrases: Most of the day I played warrior games, being Freneor battling the Grey Mountain goblins, and then Brumswick single-handedly slaying his step-brother and his twenty wicked companions.

I always wanted to be a warrior like one of the many people my farther would tell me and the other village children about, we never got bored of hearing tales of ages past where handsome princes would ride on the noble steeds and rescue the impossibly beautiful princes from some equally impossible ugly witch, or another similar incarnation of evil.Extraneous words and run-on sentence, not to mention difficult constructiuon to read. I suggest tightening and clarifying the language: I had always wanted to be a warrior, like those in my father's stories, and never tired of hearing tales of ages past, of handsome princes on noble steeds and the rescue of impossibly beautiful princesses.

These however were tales to stimulate the minds of the young.Not sure where this fits into the story. Is the protagonist both naive and jaded? Perhaps best to drop this sentence unless you have a specific purpose for it.

After a few hours of slaying hunger began to get the better of me so I headed home.Dangerously close to cliche. Suggest: After a few hours of play hunger drove me home, but I knew that aunt would not have the evening meal ready for hours so I took the long way.

I knew that aunt wouldn’t have the evening meal ready for a few hours yet so I decided to take a long work home and I saw a spot the day before which would be perfect for skimming a few stones.Two different topics in one sentence (and see previous point). I suggest: On the stream I found a spot perfect for skimming a few stones on the water.


Okay. I think you should get the idea: your sentences tend to run on--which is not always a bad thing--but when the topic switches midway it confuses the reader. Long sentences are not per se "bad," but you need to tighten up your word use. This will help the reading flow more naturally.

[Sidmyster]

thanks for the advice :)

i know its very rough and i have a few spelling errors.

I just wrote what came into my head, and when i read through it i grimaced at a few parts :D
but i had to go out and thought i would edit and change it today as i didnt have the time yesterday.

This is/was going to be the only part of the story in the 1st person as the story teler would be met by the main character(s) later on and he tells the story. But if it doesnt work i shouldnt have a problem changing it to the 3rd person.


Thanks again for the advice :)

[Sidmyster]

heres a link where you guys can post comments (hopefully) and read any updates :P

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1801p0.html

the first paragraph has already had some changes.