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Ctpitcher
August 18th, 2006, 01:46 PM
It's been a long while since I came back on Sffworld.com, but I'm willing to share my prologue to all of you yet I'm skeptical still if my own work will be stolen, that's why I'm going to just post the prologue. Please try and point out the faults and rises kindly, thank you. Here it is:



The Prologue



Voices lingered end to end, and from side to side all through outer space, “The time has finally risen, for this aged life and dying universe to be substituted by another. On the other hand, a closing encounter of devastation would be a fitting end. Unleash the Guardian Destroyers; they shall become a proper destructive demonstration.” The voice faded out and echoed before vanishing.


*

Then there was the spark of light, brightening the shadows of a vast world of darkness. Within this world carried the souls of countless other worlds, many stranded in nothingness while several planets stood awake and tattered. None knew the force of power that created this immense universe that separated life and death, shadow and light, reality and emptiness. Years rolled by, creating an age of time that changed lives of the first epoch forever. The story began when a tremendous explosion deteriorates the bound of space, which then opened a portal from and to another world. Nevertheless, within this flaming judgment of pulsing menace, had unleashed the deadliest sins our universe had ever come across. Surrounding the field of stars and darkness, divulged three powerful deities; from shadow and dusk, they came, through their world to ours and there they stood, floating aerial in the defiant stare of space, preparing for a conflict of destruction against one another. Their eyes, shimmered different spectrum of colors, but all gazed at each divinity, as the role of influential power creating a rhythm within their empty, yet deviant hearts. Doom was set into the center of madness, as all three, postures for their first and final battle. What lingered in each of their minds is a question unanswered, but what they knew was to be the end of a beginning, and the genesis of a total disaster organized to initiate. One spreaded its wings that covered the spectral light of the sun like an eclipse, while the others positioned for a strike of corruption; fear, pain and demise all unearthed from their supremacies, tragically activating the clash to ruin each other and all life around them. None took hesitation, as all charged forth towards each other like predator and prey, and the peril of the everlasting hunt.

There was no halt to the remarkable strength each empowered and released in true terror, embodying the forces of their souls, then generating a massive vigorous control over their might and disparage. Only one may rise, but from their fiery ardor of oblivion, all will experience pain as well as the boundaries of death itself. At last, the battle had risen; one of the fiends pierced its blazing claws into the already broken heart of another beast. The wings aided them to soar throughout the field of space, an infinite battleground. However, only two of them soared opposite ways, just before ascending back to clash their forceful rages upon all. Then the one that stood watching penetrated forth, striking in deadly valor, as suddenly all had spreaded their wings, only to step back to their corner. Each of them prepared to kill the other, no matter the reason. The creature on the left, had fierce crimson eyes, standing on all of its four large legs, and with a diamond-shaped frontal face where the eyes plotted from the sides, and a pointed beak that of a winged predator. Then the roar of the brute on the right echoed all through the universal plane. Its eyes throbbing in an azure hue, while it stood heroically on two legs, arms crossed over its metallic chest, but blades wielded all over this enormous idol, while its face held a calm destructive emotion. Beyond them upon another corner of their circle of pain, twirled the body and tail of a dragonish divine being, a soft vibrating aura intended it was a female guardian, with striking golden eyes gazing at her rivals. Moreover, the rivals, yet male and non-humans stared back at her. As minutes progressed, she spoke tenderly, “The time has come to end all things, have you pleaded for an admitted defeat?”

The beastly four-legged creature growled and conversed, “That is what we’ve been created, and I have no reason to go back, not yet. I am here, to end all of your pitiful lives!”
Suddenly the steel god answered their countering words, “Only one may rise from the battle, and that shall be I.” The feminine serpentine thrashes her scythe-shaped tail upon the torso of this steel bladed deity, who stands unafraid and fearless, “I shall be victorious! Now die impudent fool.”

Upon ending their fatal introduction, they finally prepared for the true defeat; they’re closing to the conclusion of everything. There was no hesitation to their goal towards victory, as each and all of them forged all of their power into the hearts of their foes and friends. For they are neither enemies nor allies, for the goal of their purpose was to destroy each other and create a new beginning to the universe, a new end for this void and genesis of another. Then all of a sudden, a struck of flames pulsated from the skies of dark space and in the center of their circle, as a voice ricochets around them.

“I did not create you three to stand and speak to your heart’s content! I made all of you to generate the most devastating confliction in battle that any force on our side, has ever seen. Fight or I shall tear down the eternal realm, and put an end to you all, myself,” said the voice from above, with a dark and wicked tone of accent. As then he laughs evilly throughout the shadows, where stars glittered and whispered back softly. However, the voice continued to echo in the course of space, as a gigantic flaming eye structures from above. The fire revolving around the pupil of the eye, looking down towards the souls of the three deities that stand below and before the one, they call The Creator. Once they knew that they were not alone, by far their existence in this gyrated space of time, The Creator would not let them escape until the universe and all of them are obliterated. Evil’s puppets doing evil deeds were the reason for all of this to begin with, but the dragon, the hound, and the warrior would not surrender. If the three destroyers were forced to kill each other, they didn’t want anyone else beside themselves to interfere with their dispute, even if it was their master.

Before the battle had begun, the warrior bladed god charged upwards, warping its fists into giant rapiers, forcing them to strike away the eye of fire. “I will not let you ruin my opportunity to triumphant.”
Then at that very moment, the god and goddess puppets of doom followed the other aloft the rising flames that surround them all. The eye was not grateful for such an assault, as the burning iris continuously fired rounds ablaze that envelop all three of the divinities to a close center. The feminine goddess, with a heart of darkness placed her claws upon the sharp edged rebel, while staring with him at the inferno eye, “We follow no one. You gave us lives; now let us arrange it alone. Our victories and consequences are ours to deal with!” Afterwards, the tremble of tremors around them, begin to spit fire from the space of nothingness. Whereas the eye of pyre, pulses even stronger, ordering the three puppets of the eye, to follow its command. “Then I feel sorry to have to destroy my own creations. Get ready to depart this last and only life!” said the deep voice of the ineradicable eye. The time space coiled like spirals within the claws and palms of the gods and the goddess, attacking their creator, the eye of fire that threatens them. Unfortunately, the painful assails all three of the Guardian Destroyers formed, did no damage or spoil of the eye, it only made him more powerful in anger and fury. Before all of them could realize surrender or fleeing at the midst of battle, the creator’s eye, flaming in pure madness and darkness ablaze, the eye struck a devastating inferno that pulsed even greater and more powerful in both strength and size each second that progressed. There was no thought of him being defeated in any way, so the only means to end his creations, is to finish them with his influential powers.

The three of them had to reason to fight each other anymore, but grew a much deeper reason to fight against their true enemy, the eye of the beholder. The Guardian Destroyers quickly charged forth towards the eye, wings flutter like that of the halos of great comets. The portal of the eye had been opened, and if it unlocks the gate from this universe to theirs, then the hands and eyes of The Creator will demolish all of the worlds around them, the galaxies and stars. Suddenly, the growing inferno was producing too fast that the gate became affected by the flaming energy, opening the portal even more. So all three deities agreed to end their once known master, and wedge the gate with their own bodies, and so they did. Flying forward, claws gripping upon the gate’s sinister doorway, they worked in unison, like true divine beings. There was no end to closing the gateway, until they thought of a plan. Using all of their strength, and their wings to wrap around the hands of the gate of space and lock it eternally.

“We must work together, if we want to end these chains of hatred! All at once, we must force our powers to close the gate,” said the brave hearted god, the deity with steel blades and swords as his flesh.
The goddess-like serpent nods, agreeing to the demonic and angelic warrior. The only strength needed to close the gateway entirely is that of the godly beast, using his diamond-shaped forehead to push against the portal’s entry, but was not enough. They needed the four-legged beastly divinity to compel also his legs to grab onto the gate and push. “Vengeance shall be ours!” roared the beast, as finally he gathered all of his strength, emerging his giant claws against the gate, and helping his godly companions shut the doorway from this world to the other, forever. It was not over yet though, as the eye grew angrier, and surfacing the now finished inferno to drop down to the deities and destroy them as well as everything else. It then fired forth, hitting the chests of the celestial beings. The flame and fire caused so much pain to them, that their bodies were beginning to vaporize and turn into ashes throughout space. Nevertheless, they didn’t give up; they only grew stronger in heart and one that last second of hope, all of them forced their powers at once. Upon that very one moment, they thrashed on the portal, there one and only reason came true all of the hope of wishes and motivation. Together, they forever sealed the gateway with their bodies materialized over the doorway as a fastened lock. Silence whispered and the flames of the eye disappeared for centuries to pass and pass, until no sign of that evil ever came back. Slowly the atmosphere of the universe grew brighter and precious with vivid starlight and planetary vibrancy. However, from the seal of the three Guardian Destroyers, a soft glow of spherical souls struck down all the way through the starry skies of space, as the sign of the seal was eventually grown invisible with time. When these three globe-like souls of the divinities fell down and around the sphere of the universe, it reached upon a world. This world, so green and blue, whitish clouds twirling in motions like that of living whispers, until the three blazing balls of light collides down onto this mysterious planet, creating a vast explosion that causes a viral storm, a cloud of mist that carried a deadly infection to those who walked upon the world that had been encountered. What this collision created was massive, the living illusions of other planets that died; that impact crafted something many living things must need the most to survive on; an air of revolving non-oxygen. There was the thought of no hope, as all those we took breath, failed and fallen, died upon the mysterious hands of the Guardian Destroyers’ honor to save the universe, and fell too short.

Miraculously, as time evolved and shifted forward, the lives below upon that once fallen planet were rising again. They began building a new life for their own, by generation and generation. Even at the last moment of expectation and point in time, these living miracles heaved themselves, and growing their world even greater and much more beautiful than it was before. Maybe what ever happened that destroyed the life upon the planet was meant to be, and what reason it was to put together a novel of existence and life. This world was once known as Earth, or so as they formerly knew and said.

Therefore, this is a story after our age, our era, and a legend that shall foretell a new beginning to a new world. The same world humanity once strived upon, the same world our hope had kept us free and yet, prisoned. For centuries and long filled decades of time, our world has changed far greater than any, in aspects darker and brightest in between. What humanity and mankind knew of the lands they walked ahead and seen has been altered. It is not that of our old world, not that of any world in any way. For this new planet, this daughter of graceful yet dead mother Earth has finally given birth. For years that passed, many besides us humans that once stridden over our lands now live alongside with the species and races of several others. These new living beings, with hearts and many with none, immigrated from the deep reaches of outer space and the galactic regions of the slowly collapsing universe. These have become the scars of eternity; forever etching a mark of supremacy, and a parable fable of the few that now saunters this fresh natural world of Aria, daughter of Earth.

The humans and the creatures that live amongst each other now have lifted away the fog that once killed many lives, and altered existence so long ago. It was known to those who fell in mystery and hope as three diminishing balls of light, but to this very day and bright new eon, we all call this legendary destruction not as a bad omen but as a gift from the guardians for new hope. That legendary prophecy now lingers in far reaches of the world, but now nearly reduced since the rise of humanity and extraterrestrials; they call this phenomenon and sensation, Zero Oxide. We all can expect a brighter future, but that is only our prospect of desire. Someday, there might be another precursor to collide once again, but when that time comes, we shall prepare for the best victory, for Aria.


[There it is, I hope to hear from you and tell me if its good enough or needs more editting. I thank you!;) ]

BrianC
August 18th, 2006, 03:59 PM
Well this is actually quite dense, especially as it seems to be intended to read in a mythic style, but I'll give it a go with some specific comments.

1. Nuts and Bolts (grammar, construction, spelling, etc.) There are lots of mistakes running throughout the prologue, many of which are rather obvious to me. Take a look at the opening:

Voices lingered end to end, and from side to side all through outer space, “The time has finally risen, for this aged life and dying universe to be substituted by another. On the other hand, a closing encounter of devastation would be a fitting end. Unleash the Guardian Destroyers; they shall become a proper destructive demonstration.” The voice faded out and echoed before vanishing.Are there many voices, as stated at the beginning, or is there one voice as stated at the end? I believe that the person of the "voice" should match. Second, umm there a voice in outer space?? Don't you know that in space no one can hear you scream? Third, I would suggest rethinking "Guardian Destroyers." Are they guards, the purpose of which is decidedly not to destroy, or are they destroyers, in which case they surely do not guard?

Many of your sentences are convoluted and difficult to comprehend. Take this section of the first paragraph:

Within this world carried the souls of countless other worlds, many stranded in nothingness while several planets stood awake and tattered. None knew the force of power that created this immense universe that separated life and death, shadow and light, reality and emptiness.Do worlds have souls? This is not clear. Do you mean world as in 'planet' or world as in 'life existingon a planet'? Are the souls stranded in nothingness or are the worlds? Also, I'm not sure that stand is an intellectually proper verb for a planet. Who is "none"? The souls, the worlds, someone or something else? Force and power can be considered the same thing, so that the phrase 'force of power' might be as meaningless to the reader as "broth of soup'. Now, lastly, is it the force/power that spearates life and death, etc. or is it the universe? Again, not clear. I would suggest writing simpler sentences first. Then, if you want the style to be a bit more "mythic" go back and carefully combine a few sentences without changing the meaning or readability of the passage.

2. Style. This may be difficult for you read but--in my opinion--the entire prologue sufffers from overwrought prose. Look at this sentence from the second paragraph:
There was no halt to the remarkable strength each empowered and released in true terror, embodying the forces of their souls, then generating a massive vigorous control over their might and disparage. Leaving aside the fact that the words 'empowered', 'generating', 'massive' and 'disparage' are not used correctly, it reads as if you want to pummel the reader with every multisyllabic word that you can stuff into the sentence. I think that you are going for a mythic style here, but powerful writing does not result from stuffing modifiers willy-nilly into your prose. What exactly is 'true' terror, as opposed to false terror?

Anyway, I don't want to belabor the point. These are just my suggestions. Take them for what you will.

ETA: It's obvious that you put a lot of work into this and I want to encourage you to continue. If you really want to invoke the mythic style, however, I suggest that you do a little reading. The Silmarillon would be a good start. So would The Worm Ouroboros. It would not hurt to read some Joseph Campbell if you can get your hands on it, and Peake's Titus Groan and Gormenghast are fine examples of powerful writing without resorting to overblown prose. Lastly, given your subject matter, a little Lovecraft might be good reading for you.

Sidmyster
August 18th, 2006, 06:23 PM
I read it earlier....an I agree with what Brian has said and though the same on some parts myself....but didnt think of half the stuff you mentioned


my advie would be to re-read through it and take out the things that dont make sense (which Brian highlighted)