View Full Version : CRITUQUE: Shadow And Light

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

August 21st, 2006, 09:54 PM
I have finally completed the short story I had started on here. Please feel free to tear it apart to your hearts content. Any and all comments are welcome.


August 22nd, 2006, 07:46 AM
I remember this way back when it was very rough. Dazz, you've done a good job. The one thing that I did not quite get is how Gel was able to suppress and even control the shadow if it was of divine origin? What gave him that power?

August 22nd, 2006, 01:33 PM
BrainC, thanx for noticing the improvement. Yes, I was horrible at first. Good thing you guys kicked me into shape. And poor Dawnstorm for having to cram POV lessons, among others, into my thick skull :o

As to how Gel did that? The shadow may be of divine origin but its not a divinity. Also, Gel is a paladin of Vilinsia, who wanted a maerge of her own. That is actually an important clue as to why in all the time he has been a maerge HE has mostly been in control.

August 25th, 2006, 03:22 PM

I like the bells. I like the way the priest speaks to Gel.

Gel remembers the pain of the ringing of the bells of the planting festival.

"the XXX OF the XXX OF the XXX OF the XXX"

Too many of's.

The pain! I had been [was] in the merchant yard when all the crier bells began to ring and the shadow had screamed and lurched [shadow screamed and lurched]. Then, when the Sundario bells rang and the other temples' bells had joined in [joined in], even I had felt [felt] the shadow's pain. I ran but the ringing was everywhere and I never made if far. I fell and remember nothing until some thief was digging through my clothes. Ring the bells!

Why are you using the past perfect tense, here? I'd just use simple past. (In addition the shift from past perfect to past and back again several times in that section seems a bit arbitrary.)

"Save her," Gel pleads, his voice soft yet commanding. "You need to save her."

How do you plead with a commanding voice?

"to the alter" --> altar

(I'm not that much into reading, lately, nor writing, so that's why it took me so long to reply.)

August 25th, 2006, 07:21 PM
Glad you like the bells and the old cleric :D

:eek: where did all those ofs come from?? Now I have an of and AND problem.

Ummm I didn't realize I was flip-flopping the past

I meant his voice was soft (volume-wise but commanding tone-wise)

Oops mispelled 'altar'

Dawnstorm, does your lack of reading and writing mean your characters have finally rebelled and been holding you captive? And ... how did you escape?

August 25th, 2006, 08:59 PM
I meant his voice was soft (volume-wise but commanding tone-wise)

Yes, and I don't have a problem imagining that at all. It's the "pleading" part that clashes:

"Gel pleads, his voice soft" check
"his voice soft but commanding" check
"Gel pleads, his voice commanding" huh?

Dawnstorm, does your lack of reading and writing mean your characters have finally rebelled and been holding you captive? And ... how did you escape?

They didn't rebell. I suspect they tried, but they couldn't agree with each other. That's the way I wrote them. So now they're just sitting around doing nothing. Somehow they're all capable of lethargy. There's nothing worse than being bored by your characters. Wait! They know that. They're going to bore me forever now. Noooooooooooooo!

August 25th, 2006, 09:54 PM
"Save her," Gel pleads, his voice soft yet commanding. "You need to save her."

Ok, I meant he says BOTH lines softly and pleads the first line and commanding the second. Hmmm. Now I have to rethink how to say that. Never mind the smoke its just my brain on fire

OOOOOoooo I have been in the bored character rut before when making modules for my campaigns. Primarily this meant all the minor characters (NPCs) and ALL the bad guys/monsters. If I was bored with that character, then the module would be flat and no one would want to finish it ... very bad for a dungeon master!

SOLUTION A: Take the ho-hum character through a module. In your case, pull out a short styory you have done in the past and replace the main character with a current 'bored with' character and have him/her have the same events/encounters but written with the 'boring' characters' POV and choice of actions. This can be especially entertaining if your forcing the bad guy on a heroic quest or the hero to be evil.

SOLUTION B: Sometimes A isn't the real problem so I go back and check my plot/storyline. Write a list of the main action/purpose of each scene/encounter.

SOLUTION C: Trim back on characters. Adding too many can be as bad as having too few. After awhile your brain freezes up. Recycle characters/NPCs/monsters gives THEM more depth and makes a deeper impact on the story/module.

SOLUTION D: Do some tedious boring mind numbing chore. Like housecleaning. Your body is active and your mind is force to 'veg' as you work.

All of these have helped me at one point or another (hopefully I wont have to use them now that I am writing instead of making campaigns)

August 25th, 2006, 10:31 PM
I love solution A! Sounds like fun. (Especially, since I usually write SF. :D )

August 26th, 2006, 10:34 AM
Yea, me too! A is my favorite ... but sometimes I've had to go all the way through to D :eek:

Good luck and I hope it helps !