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stevenbsouth
September 16th, 2006, 04:02 AM
edit-removed for editing

MrBF1V3
September 18th, 2006, 01:03 AM
stevenbsouth-since I'm one of those who told you how to post a story, maybe I should also be one willing to critique.

Oh, and before I go too far:
*************** WARNING: SPOILERS****************.

All in all, a pretty good read. I would generally suggest another editing pass or two, you want the words to "sing".

There are a few details that stuck out, keeping in mind that these are just my opinions, and the story is yours. Also, I am mentioning the things which I think need attention, don't lose confidence because I don't say enough about the good parts, okay?

Oh, and maybe you need a shorter summary, better yet, don't tell me what's about to happen. Editors may want a summary, but I'm just a reader.

The opening was good, nice concept. I would think she's in mortal danger, but she's just messing around. I had to look back, but you were careful in never saying she was in danger, just being chased.

When Brianna greets her father in the throne room, I would expect it to be a more formal affair, unlike how they would greet each other away from the throne.

Perhaps her hesitation at being the crowned princess is a little over dramatic (but then, I have a thirteen year old, and maybe it isn't:) ). I felt you spent a little too much time on what may be theme material for this story. Mention the opposition, so we know who they are, and maybe some of their platform, but don't have speeches. I personally have a hard time believing there could be a long line of Queens, and none of them have ever had any power.

And then it's inconsistent that Brianna's teacher, who would teach her all the subjects a future sovereign needs to know, would be a woman. In this environment, how would she have learned this?

Also, if Brianna is half the leader everyone expects her to be, she would have been with her father no matter what the doctor said.

Enter the villain, or one of them, Varin. He thinks too much, you gave too much of him and his plans away at first. Let us wonder what he's up to, and who he works for. There is plenty of time for us to find out what manner of friend he is as the story progresses.

Um...a carrier crow?

Brianna, et al, are concerned about what might happen at the death of the King, but there is a deplorable lack of suspicion. I would not expect such trusting people to hold rulership positions, at least not for long. The doctor would have checked for poison, and if he didn't find any, he would report that it may be a poison for which there is no test. And, the princess would have been secured, at least with guards outside her room. If there were, they should have been mentioned.

Hopefully this wasn't too painful, and somewhat helpful,

B5

stevenbsouth
September 21st, 2006, 01:31 PM
Thanks for the critique and suggestions, I really appreciate it. I can see what you mean about Brianna & Co. not being very suspicious about the king's death, but I wanted to have them go through the grieving and "what do we do now?" process right after the king dies in the first chapter, and then investigate the death more fully in the second chapter. In real life, when someone dies, their relatives mourn first and start asking questions later. I wanted to mirror that in the 1st chapter. Brianna & Colleen investigate the king's death further in the 2nd chapter.

And you're right, I shouldn't have put that summary in there...I edited it out.

Thanks again for the crit!