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MrBF1V3
September 18th, 2006, 01:21 AM
Hello, I am a regular poster in these parts, and I occasionally write;) . Anyway, I have posted a new story and would like some second opinions, some divergent points of view...well, you get the point.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1907p0.html

What do you think, too subtle, not subtle enough? Amusing or just silly?

Thanks in advance,

B5

kater
September 18th, 2006, 07:48 AM
What do you think, too subtle, not subtle enough? Amusing or just silly?


I'm going to go with quirky, the dialogue is sharp if a little confusing at first but I like it. I think all bartenders have some weird and wonderful stories to tell and when you throw in an sf element there really is no limit to what you can think up.

Hereford Eye
September 18th, 2006, 10:13 AM
Nicely done, B5. Needs a grammatical edit but the story works.

Until you stop to think about it but no one but me is going to do that.

Spoiler:
The alien's last line indicates a possible familiarity with this specific bartender. To me, that begs a question as to why the alien would come into the bar, just for the pleasure of being discovered? Then, why disappear? Must be alien logic of a kind not accessible to us mere humans.
Or, it's the first-ever-alien-on-the-station but no one is going to believe the bartender's tale precisely because it is the first-ever-alien-on-the-station and he can't prove it was there.....except for the station safety/security scanners which will not collaborate the alien's presence because ....:D


A point you may want to consider is the use of 'television.' In a future of photonic blasts, do they still have television? Wouldn't the term have evolved into something easier on the tongue, less tied to a specific technology?

MrBF1V3
September 19th, 2006, 12:26 AM
I think all bartenders have some weird and wonderful stories to tell and when you throw in an sf element there really is no limit to what you can think up.

In my short time as a bartender, not one of the aliens I served ever left a tip. What is it with them?

I can't believe I actually used the word "television", I'm sure I intended to use a different word. And, HE, it's worse than you think. Our friend didn't know the final fate of the first mate, and didn't know that using the referent "first mate" was, well, about like the time when I was in High School and I refered to my mom as "mommy dearest" (If you don't understand that one, ask someone a little older.) On the surface, fairly benign words.

On the other hand, he seemed to know what to expect of this bartender, and a case could be made for him having an idea of where to find him. Maybe his first statement was true.

By the way, thanks for the input. I will put it to good use.

B5

Dawnstorm
September 19th, 2006, 05:32 AM
Is the ship called Sunaria or Sunarea. I prefer the former. It's so opera-esque. ;)

Television might still exist in one form or other (probably digital). We still have newspapers, or radio. As long as people still work with screens, it's not such a stretch to still have the word.

Nice story.

kater
September 19th, 2006, 10:13 AM
Television could just be a relic word that doesn't really describe the actual piece of technology any more but was so ingrained in our language that no other word really took in the same way.