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FinnMacCool
September 30th, 2006, 04:25 PM
http://sffworld.com/community/story/1950p0.html

This is my first story at sffworld, and one of the first I've written since getting over a long stretch of writer's block. Any comments on how it might be improved are greatly appreciated.

Dazzlinkat
September 30th, 2006, 06:24 PM
This is a good story and you have captured the way kids talk rather well.
Just a couple points of 'kid-speak': creepy as hell should just be creepy, Cindy-esque should be Cindy-ish or Cindy-like, interior should be inside (Ashley is describing the yard to the reader), dumb **** maybe to dumb stuff as she used dog turd, instead of dog ****, just a bit before (kids love to repeat bad words).

Above even the Cool Kids, and certainly above some Class Kid whose name Ashley couldn't even remember, there was the very peak of the pyramid, a group consisting of only one member: Ashley herself.

Here you have Ashley twice in one sentence. Make the first Ashley 'she' and leave the second. Also, you could remove herself as its unneeded here.

At least, that's what Ashley was thinking until she actually got to the sandbox. When she actually stood on its wooden edge, looking down at the sand, even she had to admit that this Class Kid had found something that was, at least, genuinely odd.

You use 'actually' twice. Maybe the second actually could be 'finally' ?

to the girl she called Cindy

use either 'to the girl' or 'Cindy'

When the fire claimed ...

should be its own paragragh as this is now Aunt Cheryl's thinking

Firestarter by Stephen King ...

should be another paragraph as Mindy is thinking back

Mindy presses the shovel into the ground with ...

again should be another paragragh, Mindy is back to business

All these are just minor touch-ups.

JBI
September 30th, 2006, 07:00 PM
I liked it,thoughsome of the language was a little rough for a little girl, and I don't think it is posible for a little girl to lift up a giant cement block. Another thing, I don't see how any little girl could ever understand anything of those authors. Ofcourse you mentioned that she didn't understand much, but Poe for instance would be almost imposible to understand for a little girl. Especially a brattish girl who plays in a sand box.

FinnMacCool
September 30th, 2006, 09:11 PM
Dazzlinkat: Thanks for the touchup suggestions. The same word being repeated too many times is something that really bothers me, so I'm glad you pointed that out. I also realized not long after writing it that I was probably using words that didn't really fit with Elementary school girls; definitely something I've got to work on.

JBI: I should probably put in something about the size of the cement block (I imagine it being about two feet on each side but relatively thin) and make some mention of Mindy really struggling to lift it. As far as her reading Edgar Allen Poe: I actually tried reading Poe when I was in Elementary school. Didn't understand most of it, but I got the gist of what was going on.

Expendable
October 2nd, 2006, 12:15 AM
Interesting story. Nice use of the two girls' pov.