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dragonofdawn
October 18th, 2006, 07:41 PM
its a story im working on pleace coment
“I wonder what he wants?” thought James as he walked down the hallway to his father’s study. James was nervous because the last time he had been in his fathers study was when his younger brother Dean was born. His mother died giving birth to his brother. But surprisingly he wasn't as nervous as he thought he would be, probably because Patrick was with him. Patrick was his father’s man at arms, and also James’ friend and role model. A role model especially as he was a retired knight late in the service of King George the 3rd and Queen Olivia.

When they got within sight of the study's door all of James’ nervousness washed over him again, but he also felt a light touch of curiosity. Maybe his father was finally was going to make him a page in the castle. James turned ten six months ago and most pages start out a week are so after their tenth birthday. The king made it so that any Noble older than ten can become a page.

Then they reached the door to the study. Patrick knocked on the door twice, waited about five seconds, and knocked twice more then opened the door. They entered and were standing in front of his father; then James found that he couldn't speak or move. He was paralyzed with fear that maybe it was something much worse than becoming a page. What if they went down to commoner status or something like that?

His father started to speak. “What are you doing here... Oh yes, I remember now. I'm kind of busy right now so I will get straight to the point.” Only then did James see the Noble in front of him. It was Kaden, the knight master in the castle. James bowed politely to him and returned to listening to his father. “James,” his father said “you are to become a page in the castle and Patrick is to become a guard at the castle. Patrick you are to live in a connecting room to James. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, my Lord,” James and Patrick replied in unison. His father waited to see if they were going to say more. Seeing that they weren't, he excused them. James and Patrick left the room.

James shouted out his glee saying “Isn't this great Patrick? I'm finaly going to become a page!” He couldn't contain himself any more. He ran down the hall shouting that he was going to become a page.


addmore later.

thank u for helping

Archren
October 19th, 2006, 12:59 PM
All I can do is suggest making sure that what you post in public has the proper punctuation, spacing, and grammar. It makes it easier for people to read and for them to give you feedback on what you're really interested in: plot, pacing, character and interest. Also, this thread probably belongs in the "Writing" section instead of "Collaborative," you might want to see if a mod can move it for you. You'll probably get more feedback that way.
***
“I wonder what he wants?” thought James as he walked down the hallway to his father’s study. James was nervous because the last time he had been in his fathers study was when his younger brother Dean was born. His mother died giving birth to his brother. But surprisingly he wasn't as nervous as he thought he would be, probably because Patrick was with him. Patrick was his father’s man at arms, and also James’ friend and role model. A role model especially as he was a retired knight late in the service of King George the 3rd and Queen Olivia.

When they got within sight of the study's door all of James’ nervousness washed over him again, but he also felt a light touch of curiosity. Maybe his father was finally was going to make him a page in the castle. James turned ten six months ago and most pages start out a week are so after their tenth birthday. The king made it so that any Noble older than ten can become a page.

Then they reached the door to the study. Patrick knocked on the door twice, waited about five seconds, and knocked twice more then opened the door. They entered and were standing in front of his father; then James found that he couldn't speak or move. He was paralyzed with fear that maybe it was something much worse than becoming a page. What if they went down to commoner status or something like that?

His father started to speak. “What are you doing here... Oh yes, I remember now. I'm kind of busy right now so I will get straight to the point.” Only then did James see the Noble in front of him. It was Kaden, the knight master in the castle. James bowed politely to him and returned to listening to his father. “James,” his father said “you are to become a page in the castle and Patrick is to become a guard at the castle. Patrick you are to live in a connecting room to James. Do you understand me?”

“Yes, my Lord,” James and Patrick replied in unison. His father waited to see if they were going to say more. Seeing that they weren't, he excused them. James and Patrick left the room.

James shouted out his glee saying “Isn't this great Patrick? I'm finaly going to become a page!” He couldn't contain himself any more. He ran down the hall shouting that he was going to become a page.

dragonofdawn
October 21st, 2006, 08:16 PM
thank u i will change the tex of the story thank u agin for your help