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Shadowstorm
October 19th, 2006, 05:44 PM
First time outing on my material. Not great at describing own works for some strange reason, will that count as a form of writers block ??. Do check it out and let me know what you think.

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2010p0.html

JBI
October 19th, 2006, 06:34 PM
Is this fan fiction? If I remember correctly, The Lord of Light and Shadow is from A Song of Ice and Fire.

Liathano
October 19th, 2006, 06:38 PM
I knew it sounded familiar!

kater
October 20th, 2006, 06:46 AM
No this isn't fan fiction, we don't allow that at sffworld ;)

If I may make a suggestion Shadowstorm you might want to break it down into a few chapters, 58 pages is a lot to read and smaller chapters will make it easier for the kind people who will critique your work to give advice :)

JamesL
October 20th, 2006, 08:05 AM
It also sounds quite similar to Sarah Ash's Lord of Snow and Shadows.;)

BrianC
October 20th, 2006, 08:06 AM
Is this fan fiction? If I remember correctly, The Lord of Light and Shadow is from A Song of Ice and Fire.I thought it was a Zelazny title . . . oh, no that's Lord of Light. Anyway, so far as critique goes, I obviously did not read through all 58 pages, but let me make two observations: (1) passive, oh my so very passive. I suggest trying to get a little more active in your writing Shadowstorm. Practically every sentence is in the passive voice (was, had, were, could be, etc). The first two sentences avoid this, but after that . . .; (2) the infodump in the first four or five paragraphs should be chopped into little pieces and doled out over the remainder of the chapter. It is information that the reader needs, but I suggest not in this form. My advice is to begin with the conversation between the grizzled veteran (a cliche that, btw) and the young private (did he enlist in the U.S. Army?) on the top of the wall.

Shadowstorm
October 20th, 2006, 10:15 AM
Duely noted Kater, the 58 pgs comprise the two prologues of events the occur 750yrs before the actual story kicks off and the first three chapters. I used the passive voice in the sense to try and convey as sense of the past, but as you say might be far more effective switching to active. Will consider it.

Fan fiction ?, doubt it, since it predates Sarah Ash's books. My style is influenced by Fiest, Barclays, Gemmell and Errickson. Books that made me turn a short story and poem into something far more.

Perhaps I would cut the other chapters out and leave the two prologues, if I remember rightly that should end up at something at about 18pgs or less.

Thanks Brian for the feedback, answered your critique above, will look at switching tone of voice.

Let me know further thoughts on this as you go along.