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juzzza
December 8th, 2006, 03:56 AM
The English Language ...

Everybody knows that the English Language has some strange quirks, some are listed below. it makes for interesting reading.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert and got his just deserts.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row the boats in a row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with sowing, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening, evening out a pile of dirt.

Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wiseguy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

Did you ever wonder Who and Why?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ------ ?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Hereford Eye
December 8th, 2006, 07:26 AM
Good stuff, Juzzza.
think male ballerinas are balleros.

JBI
December 8th, 2006, 09:30 AM
That's why I speak Hebrew at home :) Nice list.

MrBF1V3
December 8th, 2006, 05:22 PM
And if you hear with your ears, what do you do with your eyes?

I've heard that saving your pennies makes cents.

...this is the trouble with having more than one root for your language.:) Funny stuff Juzzza.

B5

Nightblade
December 8th, 2006, 11:23 PM
Hehe, I like this list. Great stuff.

Miriamele
December 9th, 2006, 10:17 AM
Honestly, I've always felt sorry for the poor people who come to my country and have to learn English as adults. Their difficulty must only be made worse by the idiocy I see all around town with "cute" spelling on business signs (e.g. Kwik Kopies or Lil' Lords 'n Ladies.) It pisses me off to no end to see people taking a language which is already fairly screwed up and making it worse. :rolleyes:

Dawnstorm
December 9th, 2006, 11:31 AM
Honestly, I've always felt sorry for the poor people who come to my country and have to learn English as adults. Their difficulty must only be made worse by the idiocy I see all around town with "cute" spelling on business signs (e.g. Kwik Kopies or Lil' Lords 'n Ladies.) It pisses me off to no end to see people taking a language which is already fairly screwed up and making it worse. :rolleyes:

Kwik is how you say it. Nice and easy. Do away with the silly "Qu", which is kwite redundant. And what function does that silly "c" before the "k" at the bak of the word have, anyway? "Kwik" is how it shood be ritten. ;) They're unskruing the langwich.

As a non-native speaker I can say, these "cute" spellings actually helped me learn. They're easily identified as non-standard spellings (as their usually applied to common words only), but they help you get a feel for how spelling and pronunciation work together. Who's read this one before:

ghoti

enough + women + station = fish

(Common English foreign learner's joke. Juzzza's first nine are quite popular, too.)

Miriamele
December 9th, 2006, 03:08 PM
Kwik is how you say it. Nice and easy. Do away with the silly "Qu", which is kwite redundant. And what function does that silly "c" before the "k" at the bak of the word have, anyway? "Kwik" is how it shood be ritten. ;) They're unskruing the langwich.

As a non-native speaker I can say, these "cute" spellings actually helped me learn. They're easily identified as non-standard spellings (as their usually applied to common words only), but they help you get a feel for how spelling and pronunciation work together.

Hmm, I hear what you're saying...Kwik is indeed phonetically correct, but until they put it in the dictionary I don't want to see it on a sign. I can't help thinking things like that just add to the overall confusion that seems so rampant in the English language (see Juzzza's post above!).

I'm glad to hear though that those "cute" spellings helped you learn. I never would have thought that would be the case, but then, I learned English when I was a baby so what do I know? :D

Incidentally, this afternoon I was looking through a local magazine and saw an ad for a shop called "Kids R We N' Mums 2B." Yeesh. :rolleyes:

Dawnstorm
December 9th, 2006, 05:00 PM
Hmm, I hear what you're saying...Kwik is indeed phonetically correct, but until they put it in the dictionary I don't want to see it on a sign. I can't help thinking things like that just add to the overall confusion that seems so rampant in the English language (see Juzzza's post above!).

All true. I wasn't entirely serious. I don't mind those forms, though. But then I read 1337 (u no, n00b, etc.) without too many problems. I'm just fascinated by any useage of language, I guess. :)


I'm glad to hear though that those "cute" spellings helped you learn. I never would have thought that would be the case, but then, I learned English when I was a baby so what do I know? :D

As much as I do, I suppose. I have no idea how others learn language, except for what I read about it.

One of my favourites:

An article discussing intrusive-"t" in pronunciation. Some dialects tend to say "an-t-swer", with a weakly articulated "t" in the position indicated. A linguist once caught his daughter singing along to Bob Dylan:

"The ants are my friends, they're blowing in the wind..."


Incidentally, this afternoon I was looking through a local magazine and saw an ad for a shop called "Kids R We N' Mums 2B." Yeesh. :rolleyes:

I love this! (Do you hate me now? ;) )

Rob B
December 9th, 2006, 05:16 PM
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
I always thought the plural of moose was Flock of Moosen.