View Full Version : The Sacking of Veraleigh (Poem, Please Critique!)

Home - Discussion Forums - News - Reviews - Interviews

New reviews, interviews and news

New in the Discussion Forum

January 4th, 2007, 01:19 AM
Just something off the top of my head. Have at it.
I read it out loud two at a time and it sounds alright. I switched up the rhyme schemes just for kicks, not sure if it worked.

Twoscore and five of men they rode,
Along the mountain hills.

Lowborn and high all cowards fled,
Across the frozen rills.

The creeping climbing crawling scum,
Of the nether worlds of old.

Chased the ragged refugees,
Across the lands of cold.

They flee the sacking of Veraleigh,
The shining port along the sea.

They ran like rats from shadows cold,
They left to die men good and bold.

Few were forewarned of the coming fall,
Maybe five and twenty of men in all.

They packed their bags and steeled their hearts,
And left the rest to the gathering dark.

A score was met along the road,
Sold-swords and men of little heart.

The cowards warned them; to gain their swords,
Togather they fled the Shades of Bjorn

But none can flee the Doom of Men,
Not the skilled, nor strongest lord.

Twoscore and five of men were found,
Along the mountain hills.

Lowborn and high the cowards died,
Blood warmed the frozen rills.

Michael B
January 4th, 2007, 01:32 PM
it sounds alright.
That is an understatement. ;) Good would be a much better description.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Am not sure that it is quite complete, but believe that it stands on its own anyway. If you have any more poetry, I would be interested in reading it.

January 4th, 2007, 01:57 PM
In this poem, I was just trying to capture the ideal that cowardice is bad. Not sure if I accomplished it, but I agree that its not quite done. 'Tis but half-baked, so to speak.

This is also mine, much longer, and it feels much more complete. I would love more comments though.

January 5th, 2007, 11:55 AM
I really enjoyed that! Good stuff!!!! You write well and with style.

If it means anything to you, there was one line which made me think "hmmm". That was "The creeping climbing crawling scum". I dunno it just didnt fit for me. I don't know if this will mean anything to you, its just that line stood to me as something which needs changing. Something to think about.

But very good work, congrats!

January 5th, 2007, 02:03 PM
I was just going for alliteration there, and trying to imply that something really nasty was chasing them. I'll see what I can do to change it though, thanks!

January 11th, 2007, 03:10 PM
Liked it, G. Nice 'n dark, my favorite kind of poem.

Keep up the good work