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BlueAngel
January 9th, 2007, 02:14 PM
This is what I have written so far of this one. I know the human mutation idea has been rehashed before, but I wanted to try something in my own way, possibly doing something more original with the idea.

http://sffworld.com/community/story/2225p0.html

These two mutants, which are Yun, and the captive Ares have abilities that will manifest as much more destructive forces than any other mutations previous.

1. They can manipulate matter at the molecular level enough to reorganize it, excite it enough to create super heated plasma, and fission reactions.
2. The ability to spread genes for mutation without direct reproduction. By being one of the most powerful of their kind, they were born able to pass their cells through others by physical contact. This works by way of quantum physics, because it does explain that technically we could walk through walls, yet we don't know how.
The genetic material passed on will develope into a virus that will either alter said human into a unwitting carrier of the genes, or will become a fatal infection.

I have some back story behind the war, and the operation taking place after where surviving mutants were captured for experimentation and study. Though, I don't yet have a name for the organization that does this. Anyone's suggestions would be appreciated.

Lastly, I wanted to say thanks to everyone who helped ouit with my last story. All those lessons have gone into making it better, and toward improving future writings.~Angela

MrBF1V3
January 10th, 2007, 12:43 AM
BlueAngel--Good start, interesting ideas. Most of the time it's not all that bad to use settings and themes which have been done before in some way, but it's nice to play with the setting, the characters, the story and come up with something that is completely yours.

Watch out for the dreaded info dump. You have a lot of back story, and that's good, but be careful in how you share it. Do I need to know she has "lightly hued bluish-gray chin length hair" all in the same sentence? Too much detail runs together. I would suggest you describe less and act more. Things are happening, center on that.

Interesting how you present the culture as open, mingling in the market place and all, and how this culture is exactly the opposite in regard to the types of your main characters. I'm not saying to change anything about your setting, but maybe take a bit more time on the contradiction of it and how people might try to justify it to themselves.

I'm probably saying too much. Keep writing, have fun with it, and go places you've never imagined before.

B5

BlueAngel
January 10th, 2007, 11:44 AM
Thanx! You're right, I'm getting too discriptive with the traits. I'll find a better way to get it in. About the cultures being intermingled in contrast with how mutants are treated serve's as a sort of irony in the story. Most people from all cultures are regular humans, so these new humans who are born with dangerous, or supernatural abilities would frighten most. In a way, they're afraid of being inferior to a group who are as of yet a minority. That's sort of how I wanted it to work. Thanx again.

BlueAngel
January 23rd, 2007, 07:19 PM
I need help in one area. I can't seem to get myself to think of a decent way for the male character to escape. Obviously, they keep him drugged enough to inhibit his powers, but if someone gave a degree lower dosage something could happen. But I'm thinking this would be too convenient for someone in a top security facility with extremely dangerous people to make a mistake like that. Or is it? I'm just not sure yet. Is there anything else better that could aid his escape?~Angela

Jacquin
January 24th, 2007, 03:05 AM
I need help in one area. I can't seem to get myself to think of a decent way for the male character to escape. Obviously, they keep him drugged enough to inhibit his powers, but if someone gave a degree lower dosage something could happen. But I'm thinking this would be too convenient for someone in a top security facility with extremely dangerous people to make a mistake like that. Or is it? I'm just not sure yet. Is there anything else better that could aid his escape?~Angela

They're torturing him though, they'd have to reduce his level of sedation for any torture they inflict to be effective. As soon as they do he can utilise his powers again.

BlueAngel
January 24th, 2007, 11:38 AM
Thanx, I'll use that. Only one other thing. What torture/endurance tests/experimentations should would be used? I ask because I need decent reference to decide what would make sense in this case. What purpose it would be for etc.

Jacquin
January 24th, 2007, 12:24 PM
If you really want to know about the sort of thing that could feasibly be done then take a look at one of the many sites dedicated to nazi medical experimentation in the death camps of WWII.

It is not a pleasant subject though.

I'd recommend http://www.remember.org

J

Holbrook
January 24th, 2007, 01:04 PM
One thing to remember about writing either a battle/fight/torture, in fact any violent scene is not to swamp the reader with blow by blow details. Draw the reader into the scene, either from the POV of the victim or the torturer. Through their emotions and reactions to the events you can hook and shock your reader far more than giving too much detail.

Just editied a flash fiction concerning a man that has been tortured and I haven't mentioned what they did, but it is plain they did something. ;)

BlueAngel
April 14th, 2007, 08:00 PM
Haven't been back in months, nor have I been able to write much either. It sucks, and I know I have to push myself more.

I have since added a few new paragraphs to it though, and I've taken the advice on torture to heart so I get it across well. I don't know if I've got it down perfectly, but I think it's a start. Click the link in the opening post to read. Thanx.~Angela

James Carmack
April 16th, 2007, 03:09 AM
Well, I finally found the leisure to sit down and read this excerpt. I have to say that I like the premise. This story can go places and there's enough material to build a franchise on if you've got a mind for it.

Right now, your narrative is awfully in clunky in places. Going overboard on descriptors is part of it, but it's also a matter of a choppy flow. I give this advise a lot, but read the piece out loud. It's one of the best ways to ferret out spots where the flow isn't as smooth as it ought to be.

I don't know where you got your Latin from, but "Vitiositas Acies" does not mean "vicious mind". It's been seven years, but that nearly tore the eyeballs right out of my head. "Vitiositas" is the noun "viciousness", not the adjective "vicious" (that'd be "vitiosus"). "Acies" is also a noun, but it doesn't mean "mind". It means "keenness" or "battle-line" (i.e. the triplex acies). If you want the most direct translation, "Mens vitiosus" would be the most appropriate. However, if this is supposed to be the scientific classification of the mutants, it's at odds with standard taxonomy. After all, the mutants are still essentially human, although their mutations could warrant their classification as a new species (such as the "Homo superior" of X-Men lore). In which case, "Homo vitiosus" or even "Homo sapiens vitiosus" (as we are technically "Homo sapiens sapiens") would fit the bill. If this is simply a case of the scientists putting a fancy Latin name on their test subject (or test group as the case may be), the "vicious mind" is fine. If you want to get a little more ominous than "mens", might I suggest "animus/anima"? Ares the "Animus Vitiosus" and Yun the "Anima Vitiosa". Very portentious. ^_^

Next, you mentioned "syrum" on Page 3. I'm sure you meant "serum".

Lastly, you misused dialog tags throughout the last part. The format is [Dialog tag], "[Dialog]." or "[Dialog]," [dialog tag]. Note the punctuation and capitalization. Making dialog tags independent sentences is the second most common mistake I see in writing dialog. (The most common is treating stage direction as a dialog tag.) Here's a proper example:

"This is the end for us, my friends," Marius said glumly.
Flavia shook her head. "Why does it have to be like the this?" she asked.
Octavian replied, "Because we brought this on ourselves."

Once again, note the punctuation and capitalization and compare it to your exchange amongs the scientists/technicians.

As for the impetus for Ares' escape, you could have a mole in the organization. Such things happen, after all. Maybe one of the scientists starts to grow a conscience. Perhaps there's a late-blooming mutant on the staff who realizes that Ares represents the hope of mutantkind. Maybe Ares is building up a resistance to their cocktail of drugs. Maybe he's faking the effects in order to get stronger, biding his time until the effects are weak enough for him to break free. (However, it sounds like he's too rash for that.) Maybe some overreaching scientist pushes Ares too far, sparking an even greater manifestation of his powers, more than the facility can contain. The possibilities are endless.

If you're still looking for a name and you like to use Latin, consider "Puritas" ("Purity"). It's nice and simple. Elegant, even, yet it hints at their menacing purpose. Alternatively, you could think of something more bureaucratic and seemingly innocuous. "The Center for Advanced Genetic Studies". If you want to make a better acronym than CAGS, feel free to stretch your creative muscles.

As for the society, I'd think a big multiculti mess would provide a good bit of cover for a mutant like Yun. Unless all the cultures have amalgamated into a semi-homogeneous blend, Yun's just "different like everyone else" so long as she doesn't weild her powers. (You indicate that she's ID'ed as a mutant but manages a modicum of tolerance as long as she doesn't rock the boat. Then again, perhaps I've misread.) Now, this cover could serve you well, but if there's a greater sense of conformity, it'd highlight how different Yun is and make her place in society all the more tenuous. Some food for thought.

One final question: is the organization truly torturing Ares or is it simply a matter of his treatment being tantamount to torture? Plain old torture would seem to run counter to any scientific aims (unless they're guaging his tolerance of standard torture protocol).