[jallenw]

I am currently revising my novel and I have come across an issue that concerns me. Please read this passage from page 7 to page 10. I have some questions in mind, but I don't want to make you biased by voicing my concern directly. Simply give me your critique of the piece. I am open to any ideas or comments concerning anything from spelling to plot ideas. Have a field day.

NOTE: My thread was removed because the excerpt was too long. Please click the following link. The story starts on page 7. You can stop reading at the bottom of page 10. I only need help with that part. From page 7 to page 10.

http://www.lulu.com/browse/preview.php?fCID=626476

Thanks, please tell me what you think. Remember, I just need help with the part up until the bottom of page 10.

Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

[Holbrook]

I am a bit puzzled here. You have published this through Lulu.com, yes? If so just wondering why you are asking for critiques and suggestions when it is already out there.

[jallenw]

Because I can't consider the novel as finished until at least a few people read it and give me their opinions. I have had a hard time getting people to read it. My friends and family don't really take me seriously sometimes when I tell them that this is my career. If any of them would just pick up the book and start it, then they would enjoy it, but it's hard to get someone interested in an ebook or looseleaf manuscript. I published through Lulu.com so that I could get my friends and family to buy bound copies in the hopes that they might actually read the book and give me feedback.

Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

[Jacquin]

Ok, you are very specific about which bit you need help with so I am guessing you have some specific concerns. I have read the bit you mention, but rather than me spend the time doing a line for line crit when this doesn't seem to be what you are after why don't you say what you have an issue with and we can discuss it?

J

[jallenw]

I didn't want to make anyone biased by pointing out the problem area of the passage. I wanted to see if people would point out the same thing that I have heard from others. So far 6 people (2 people I know irl and 4 people on web forums) have independantly mentioned the same problem with this passage since I posted it on several forums. I have already taken their advice and changed the passage.

Thanks for all your help. I will still appreciate any comments that anyone may have, but I think the problem has been fixed.

Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth